We’ve all heard the labels. Strong-willed, spirited, explosive, and highly sensitive. As parents of kids who have been marked as “difficult” we need an alternative road map to guide us where conventional parenting tools have failed. We need a way to calm the chaos. My next guest explains that there are five steps to calming the chaos, each step bringing us closer to family success even as emotions run high so that we can build a safe haven in our homes that support healthy kids.
Tag Archive for: parenting
The world today can feel overwhelming- complicated, overloaded, moving at the warp speed! What do kids need to thrive—so that they catch their breath before facing the next hurdle, cope gracefully with the ups and downs of life and bend not break? My next guests provide 10 essential, actionable strategies that we can use to raise kids who can. Who can roll with punches, connect, deal with frustration, bounce back and ultimately thrive. For this, we will be talking to my new friends, Catherine, Heather and Jennifer.
We live at a time when many parents, out of love, do so much for their kids—so much so that kids are not learning the skills they need in order to thrive. This is one of the reasons why I created one of my free bonuses for the How to Talk to Kids about Anything book launch—118 Skills to Teach Kids by Age 18—a checklist of 118 skills that allows you to ensure your children are ready to thrive on their own by the time they leave your home. You can access that bonus list and several more at DrRobynSilverman.com, under the tab “book.” Now—what about when you are NOT raised in a home where your parents are doing a lot for their kids—maybe because they can’t, maybe because they won’t, maybe their life situation dictates that the children need to be independent to survive. Yes, what is you are raised in a home where you wonder if you’ll have food on the table and anger and shame are the norm? How can we learn to show up for ourselves, strategize ways to succeed, hustle, learn and become? And then, how, as a parent, can we instill these lessons so they can live boldly- no matter where they started in life? I think we can all learn something from my next guest who created the life she wanted by discovering the strength she needed was within her all along.
I’m so excited today for this special podcast where Dr. Robert Melillo is interviewing me on my new book, How to Talk to Kids about Anything! It’s out now wherever books are sold and I hope you have yours—it’s currently #1 on Amazon in the School-Age Children Parenting Category—and that’s because of all of you. Thank you for your support- and please review it- those 5-Star reviews make a huge difference in the algorithm. So TODAY- I want to introduce Clinician, brain researcher, and Best-selling author, Dr. Melillo is one of the most respected specialists in childhood neurological disorders in American and has been helping children with learning disabilities, autism, ADHD, OCD, dyslexia and more for over 30 years. He’s the author of Disconnected Kids- and we interviewed him here on that very book, along with several others including Reconnected kids- and there’s even a TV show based on that one. We’re flipping the script again so here is my guest interviewer for How to Talk to Kids about Anything, so take it away, Dr. Robert Melillo!
We have a lot of TOUGH talks on this podcast. We’ve talked about sex, porn, suicide, bullying, neurodiversity, failure, death and so much more. It was always my aim to present you with the entire child development pie and invite amazing guests on the show, bestselling authors and top experts, who could dig deep, providing you with the deep slices of that pie so that you can have these conversations with your children and teens—and that they will come to us when they need someone to talk to as well. One thing I know for sure is that if we want our kids to talk to us about anything, we have to be willing to talk to our kids about everything.
Today’s guest in the hot seat is ME! Ha! Since my book comes out today, October 10th, and I couldn’t be more excited to share it with all of you. You’ve been part of my village and my community since 2017—we have been through a lot—and talked about some very intimate things—I will ask now, as I’ve never asked before, would you please go to wherever you get your books—Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Books a Million, Target, your local Indy Book store and order How to Talk to Kids about Anything right now. It’s been 6 years of work—interviews, researching, this podcast which I have never charged for- writing and editing– and I know you will find it worth it and love it—and once you order it and receive the book, please give those 5 star reviews because that will get more people to know about it, buy it, use it, and make a difference with their kids. Would you do that now please? Thank you in advance!
And now for my amazing moderator for today, none other than, my husband, whose been through it all with me. So I hope the Dads will give a good listen to what he has to say, he’s been through it all with me. The good, the bad, the ugly and the utterly hilarious. Jason Silverman and I have been married for almost 25 years- he’s a brilliant marketer, the founder, Chief Executive Officer and president of Silverman Consulting and Systems Success Mastermind, he’s a business development coach, my partner in Powerful Words Character System, and my partner in life—so welcome to the How to Talk to Kids about Anything podcast, and now, I’ll flip to guest mode!
What to do when your child throws a tantrum? How to react when your child hits, punches, or bites? How do we help to co-regulate our child’s nervous system? And how do we head-off tantrums before they happen? As you know, we’ve entered a new way of helping our children through big emotions—moving far away from the ways our parents used to parent us and their parents used to parent our parents. Instead of pushing big feelings under the rug, hiding them in the closet or stuffing them down into our bodies like a batch of old brownies, as our understanding of developing brains has increased, today’s parents are looking for a new way to help their children understand their feelings and learn to process them. Who is leading the way for us today? Alyssa Blask Campbell is joining us for her second time today.
I know. This is not easy. The very idea of having to talk to your child about sex is making you squeamish, squirmish and squirrelly. But we can do this. And I have to tell you– it’s not as bad as you think.
Here are some key tips for parents who know that it is time to talk to kids about sex:
(1) Talk early and often: It’s never “THE talk” or “one talk” but a series of big and little ones that you have over time starting when they are very little. The first talks are about their body parts, caring for their body parts and loving each body part! And yes, you’ll build on these foundational talks- don’t avoid it and don’t make it weird! There’s nothing to be embarrassed about!
(2) Use the actual words: Just like we call an “arm” and “arm” and not a “Little llama,” refer to a penis as a penis and a vagina as a vagina. There is nothing wrong with these words and we don’t want to send the message that there is! Plus, it will make it much easier to discuss the mechanics of sex later- you don’t want to be talking about intercourse like “the peepee goes into the women’s lady bits” because that will cause confusion and it frankly doesn’t sound right at all. (We talk about this in more depth in the interview with Dina Alexander and with Bonnie J. Rough)
(3) Be the trusted source: Seriously, who do you want talking to your child about sex- you, or that kid, Barnabee, in the back of the bus who overheard something in some movie? Kids are hearing about sex in elementary school. By age 11, most kids have been exposed to porn. Make sure you talk early and often so you get to educate your kid with your values and the right information or you might have to unravel the wrong information! And DON’T tell your child s/he’s too young to know- they’ll just find out from somebody else (or the internet- you definitely don’t want that).
(4) Be ready! This conversation doesn’t happen when you schedule it (what conversation does?). So you might be putting your daughter to bed and a question about nipples becomes a full-fledged segway into intercourse. A report on something your child heard on the school bus about how babies really came to be might come up over “pass the potatoes.” And family movies, seeing a pregnant woman, witnessing breast-feeding, a school video on puberty- are all springboards for discussion around “how babies are made.” If they’re asking; be ready to tell. Ask them what they already know (to dispel myths or build upon knowledge). Be ready to put on your big boy and big boy pants, take a deep breath and say things like; “the man’s penis goes into the vagina,” “erection,” “lubrication,” “ejaculation,” “testicles,” “clitoris,” if the child is asking about exactly how baby-making works.
(5) Don’t shame body exploration: Totally normal, folks! The body is amazing! Our kids need to know their bodies. Get your daughter a mirror so she can look at her amazing vagina! According to sex therapist, Dae Sheridan, interviewed on How to Talk to Kids about Anything, most girls don’t even know they have 3 holes down there. Let your boys and girls touch themselves- and simply give guidance that body exploration is private and not something you do in public. As your children get older, you don’t want them to have any shame around masturbation, contrary to how you might have grown up, it is not a shameful thing to do—and is a totally normal part of sexuality.
(6) Be age-appropriate and follow the child’s lead: A young child may only want to know about the sperm and the egg while an older child may want to know more about how to egg and the sperm get together. Oversharing when a child isn’t ready doesn’t feel good for anyone so don’t answer more than what they are asking. Undersharing doesn’t feel good either so make sure you are answering the question and not changing the subject to “what’s for dinner?” Leave the door open to answer any others whenever s/he is ready. They’ll let you know. (And you WANT your child to ask YOU questions—about this and about ANYTHING).
(7) Discuss consent: This, again, can start early. We each get to say whether we want to be touched and how we want to be touched. We get to say if we want to be hugged or kissed and if we’d rather have some alone time. And we need to listen to the wishes and boundaries of others as well. (See my interview with Richard Weissbourd and Peggy Orenstein).
(8) Tell them that sex is more than just mechanics and for procreation: Because it is. Sex is a way to connect. It’s an adult way to show love, passion, playfulness, generosity, warmth and affection. You can explain to your children that; “When you find the right person who truly loves and respects you for who you are and who you truly care about and love for who they are, sex can be beautiful and amazing.” (The opposite is true too- the wrong person who could care less about you- sex is no bueno.)
(9) Nervous? Practice! Say it to yourself in front of a mirror, say it to your spouse, the wall or a willing friend or bookclubber! When you practice talking about sex, it’s much easier to actually talk about it when you need to have the conversations.
(10) There are larger conversations to have: Your children may ask about other ways babies come into our lives- and you can get into discussions about IVF, adoption, surrogacy and more. And, especially if your child identifies with being in the LGBTQ community- you don’t get a pass if you are straight and your child is gay, by the way- you must talk about sex with same-sex partners. If you don’t know the answers, ask someone who does. If you don’t have this conversation with your child who identifies with being in the LGBTQ community, they will get their information elsewhere (likely not a trusted source) and they will likely feel alone and confused.
Need resources? Listen to these podcast episodes we’ve done on the topic of talking to kids about sex:
How to Talk to Kids about Sex with Dina Alexander
How to talk to Kids about Sex, Love & Equality with Bonnie J. Rough
How to Talk to Kids about Healthy, Caring, Romantic Relationships with Richard Weissbourd
How to Talk to Boys about Sex with Peggy Orenstein
How to Talk to Kids about Porn with Gail Dines
How to Talk to Kids about Sexual Assault with Dae Sheridan
To come: How to Talk to Boys about Puberty, Sex, Body Image & Growing Up with Cara Natterson
Thinking of you, my friend! You can do it!
Life gets crazy and parenting can be stressful. Many parents anticipate the stress and experience stress throughout the day—whether it’s morning time and getting the kids off to school, or after-school time when homework must be completed—shuttling multiple children to practices and activities, getting a healthy dinner on the table while dealing with sibling arguments—or dealing with bedtime shenanigans. And let’s not forget friendship issues, electronics battles, getting your kids to clean up after themselves—or life issues like divorce, illness, bullying, work stress and whatever else is your personal bugaboo. Yes- life can be stressful, parenting can stressful—and we focus so much on how we can help our kids, talk to our kids, be there for our kids—but what about us? What about the parents? How do we cope with our stress and what might help us to take a collective breath, allow some of the frustration to fall away and become more mindful so that we can better help ourselves as well as those we love?
Dr. Laura Markham trained as a Clinical Psychologist, earning her PhD from Columbia University. She is the mother of two, now ages 21 and 25. Dr. Laura is the author of the book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting and Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life. We interviewed her on both of these books as well as on her wonderful workbook called the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook—a great resource for parents. You can find her online at http://www.ahaparenting.com
Family rules. Something every family needs but likely has not formally discussed or written down. Think about it– does your family have known, documented family rules?
Rules make the household “work.” They keep things safe and fair for everyone. With rules, kids know what is to be expected and can rise to the occasion. Of course, without known rules, it’s very hard to enforce them, use them for guidance or for each family member to know when they’ve crossed the line.
As I’m getting ready to release my very first Family Action Blueprint (forthcoming) package that centers on family rule development and discussion, I certainly have tons of ideas!
Below is an example of 10 rules to get you thinking of what you’d like to post on your fridge and discuss in your family meeting. However, I encourage you to ask your children to contribute to the family rules as I’ve continued to learn that when working with young people; if you say it, it can be ignored or challenged, if they say it, it becomes the gospel truth.
You can ask directly; Read more
It was 1996, my Freshman year of college, when I came face-to-face with a truth that still follows me today- one unifying concern that almost all girls and women seem to share is that they want to change something about their bodies. I still remember when it happened, as it came as a surprise to me. One of my friends asked me if my thighs touched. This gifted young woman, with big brown eyes, a sharp brain and warm heart worried that how close her thighs were to the other cancelled out her talents, intelligence and overall value.
It stuck with me. I spoke to countless other women and teens along the way who felt similarly. Despite the strengths they had to offer, they felt that “looks” were more important than their other attributes.
In graduate school, I studies body image. In fact, I wrote a qualifying paper and my 167-page dissertation on the topic. As it turns out, even research tells us that despite all that women and girls have to offer this world, 96% of girls and women want to change something about their bodies.
I completed my book, Good Girls Don’t Get Fat: How Weight Obsession is Messing Up Our Girls & How We Can Help Them Thrive Despite It, based on my dissertation work, in 2009 with my newborn baby girl, Tallie, strapped to my chest. The book was published in 2010. It’s 2018– and the issue is just as prevalent today as it was then. But of course, my own mothering love and worry for my now 9-year-old daughter and her beautiful friends, sheds a much more personal light to this prevalent problem.
So, how can we help our girls thrive? Read more
About Dr. Robyn
Child and Teen Development Specialist, Dr. Robyn Silverman, is the author of How to Talk to Kids about Anything, and the host of the podcast of the same name. She’s also the founder of Powerful Words Character Development.