August 2013 - Dr Robyn Silverman

I was on the Today Show this morning talking about teens and sexting. A new study suggests that boys are sexting more than ever– aiming to get the attention of girls in profoundly inappropriate ways. Here are some questions parents have asked me– and some answers that I hope will be helpful to you as you navigate today’s high tech culture with your children.

(1) Is this the new normal?

This kind of behavior has become a lot more common likely because there is so many messages out there that are telling young people this is the norm. Pornography is just a few key strokes away. Objectication and sexualization is part of the natural landscape of advertising and marketing to teens today. (3) Hook up culture is celebrated in many TV shows and reality shows for teens. And don’t forget (4) Real life politicians, sports heroes and entertainers are made into household names for doing it, make excuses for it and are excused for doing it. These messages happen 24/7 so their frame of reference is, this is the norm.

(2) What should parents do?

When I’m presenting to parents or educators I tell them that they must look & listen, Engage & explain and Be a powerful example.

Look/Listen: What is my child doing? What is he watching? What kinds of texts is he sending? What is he saying about girls? To his friends? To girls?
Engage & Explain: Ask directly. For example; Dr. Robyn was saying on The Today Show that boys are sending texts to girls about hooking up and having sex—is this happening in your world? What do you think about it? Be very clear that what he is seeing and hearing on the internet and on TV is not the norm.
Provide a powerful example: There are too many messages out there that are telling your children that hook up culture is to be expected—so show them what it means to have a meaningful relationship based on respect, kindness and character.

(3) When should parents talk to their children about it?

Parents need to start talking to their children about the power of the media, their bodies and treating people with respect and kindness from a very early age. This is not one conversation but a series of conversations we have over a childhood so that when we move into sexting, dating, hook up culture and sex, it’s not strained or strange—it is a natural continuation of countless conversations you have had with your child. We can’t just have “the sex talk” we need to have the relationship talk, the character talk, the technology talk and many others to raise a healthy, respectful child. Conversation not only with boys—but absolutely with girls too who may have more power than they think to change the way boys talk to them and relate to them.

(4) Boys are acting with clueless aggression that is fueled by anonymity so I tell them that a good litmus test is– Would you be embarrassed if this text was seen by your mother or your sister? If yes, it’s probably not something you should send.

What do you think? Is this a concern of yours? How do you deal with it?

We don’t mean to do it. But so many of us do it anyway.

“This is my shy one.”

“She’s my tom boy.”

“He’s my clown.”

“She’s my reader.”

“He’s my little athlete.”

“She’s great in spelling.”

“He’s great in math.”

“She doesn’t like sports.”

“He can’t sit still for a minute.”

When we label our children, we unwittingly define them. We provide definite limits that tell our children what we think of them, what we expect of them and who they are to be.

Most of us have heard of the movie, Field of Dreams. The message repeatedly relayed is “If you build it, he will come.” I think of labels similarly; “If you label it, they will BEcome.”

Sometimes, this seems like a win. We label our child a “great student” when we value academics or an “amazing athlete” when we value sports. What could be wrong with that? The problem is detected when we realize that the labels deter the child from taking healthy risks and trying something new. “I am a great student” and therefore “I’m not an athlete.” Or “I’m a great athlete” so “I won’t try out for the school play.”

Labels are accentuated when a comparison is put into the mix. Brothers and sisters are often unintentionally pitted against each other by parents who categorize them. The intention is not to harm, but rather describe. But if we label one child “studious,” another “athletic” and still another “artistic” these areas become that child’s jurisdiction. This can be detrimental to both the labeled and the other sibling. The former can feel trapped and the latter can feel timid about trying that activity.

When it comes to gender, labels can feel like a safety net to ensure gender alignment (i.e. He’s all boy, She’s a girly girl), an affront (he’s effeminate, she’s quote boyish) or a self-fulfilling prophesy (she’s bad in math, he’s a class clown).

As we all want our children, both boys and girls, to have every opportunity to flourish into the person they are meant to become, it’s vital that we stop labeling and acknowledge room for growth, change and reinvention. As a child is “becoming,” there is ebb and flow. Labels can disrupt and “dam” progress and process. To maximize potential, let’s leave development as fluid.

A new alliance I am part of called “Brave Girls Want“, is a force of leadership asking everyone from parents, educators, loved ones, legislators and businesses to support, empower, and encourage brave, adventurous, strong, smart, and spirited girls. We are looking to rid the world of labels that confine, constrict or compress the growth of our girls so they can be their most authentic and awesome versions of themselves.

As part of Brave Girls Want, we are planning to invade Time Square on October 11th, coinciding with the International Day of the Girl. For 7 days we will rent a billboard in Time Square and talk about what we want for our girls and what they are telling us they want for themselves. Fewer limits, more choices. Less photo-shopping, more real images. Less sexualization, more time to enjoy childhood.

Please read about the initiative and help us in any way you can. Check out the IndieGoGo campaign—there are lots of ways to help make this action happen!

After all, these are our girls. All of our girls. And we can make a difference.

Parents: Boys Are Sexting More Now Than Ever– What You Need to Know

The Problem with Labels: Confining, Constricting and Compressing Our Children’s Potential