Diana Kapp – Although hidden from many history books, where credit wasn’t provided, or downplayed in media where coverage skewed towards gains boys and men were making, women have been making strides, creating useful inventions and running companies for longer than we know. But credit needs to be revealed if we are going to ensure that girls and boys have strong female role models and understand that women bring greatness, innovation, indomitable spirit, focus, ingenuity and leadership to this world in many of the same ways—and in different ways than do men. Without women’s creativity and persistence, we wouldn’t have some of the greatest inventions that we completely take for granted! Just dip back into history for a moment and we can reveal, for example, that the first dishwasher was developed by a woman. The Brooklyn Bridge? Woman. Windshield wipers, the game of monopoly, the brown paper bag? All developed by women. And today, we also have incredible examples of motivated, innovative women that are positive examples of taking risks, trying again, working hard, knocking off the negative self talk and forgetting about perfectionism on the way to success. We can learn a lot from these women- and today, we are going to discuss how we can use their stories to help inspire children when we are having conversations about such topics as success, persistence, risk-taking and perfectionism. And for that, I have invited author, Diana Kapp, on the show today.
Dr. Tim Elmore is a best-selling author and CEO of Growing Leaders, a global non-profit organization created to empower students with real-life leadership skills. Tim’s expertise on the emerging generation has led to media coverage in The Huffington Post, The Wall Street Journal, Forbes.com, USA Today and The Washington Post. He has also appeared on CNN’s Headline News and Fox and Friends to discuss how to lead Millennials and Generation Z. Tim’s latest books include Marching Off the Map: Inspire Students to Navigate a Brand New World and 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid.
Someone asked me how to help her child become more confident– especially give that she felt she lacks confidence too.
You can’t will yourself to be confident. There’s no trick. There’s no magic button. In order to become confident you need to do the thing that scares you. You need to look in the face of uncertainty and still keep going.
You need to be louder than doubt. Bigger than the barrier. Bolder than the fear.
Remember when you ??? You know that time when…??? Conjure up those experiences when you kicked insecurity aside and did what you had to do. You can do this. You can do this.
Yes you can. Just do the thing. When you do the thing that scares you, you realize, it’s not so tough. It’s not so bad. It’s not so scary. And along the way, you become better at the thing, don’t you? And becoming better at it often makes us feel more comfortable. Or at least you can say, “well, I’ve already done it once so I can do it again.”
So speak up. Stand up. Try the activity. Get up on stage. Have the conversation. Put yourself out there. Make the call. Plant your feet. Look them in the eye. Walk to the front of the room. Go for that run. Teeter, totter, slip, fall, fail and wipe out. Then get back up. Try again. Go for it. Your confidence depends on it.
Self Esteem & Success: Have your Children and Students Developed their C.O.R.E.™?
Self-esteem is a powerful thing. From the outside, some kids may seem to have it all, but at their core, they may feel as if they can’t do anything right. You know what I mean? I know you do- you’ve experienced it yourself and seen it with your own eyes.
On the other hand, some may seem to have been dealt a poor hand in life and yet, as their core, they behave as if they can do, be, or have anything. When mindset, heart, and opinion of self are crucial predictors of success, self-esteem can certainly make the difference.
In order to help our students thrive as powerful character-based leaders, they must see themselves and their contributions as worthwhile. When I speak to audiences around the world about construction of self-esteem, I detail my C.O.R.E.™ concept: Comparison, Observation, Recognition, and Experience. See how it applies to the children and students in your life!
What’s at their C.O.R.E.™?
Comparison: How do I stack up vs What strengths do I bring to the table? Those with low self-esteem often short change themselves while either elevating others or cutting them off at the knees in order to elevate themselves. Powerful role models don’t need to make comparisons to demean. Rather, they focus on what each person can bring to the table to form a cohesive group.
Observation: Do the messages I glean demean me or support me?Messages come from many sources— such as the media, peers and parents. What messages are being sent to different students at your school? When we feel we are unacceptable to those we admire and trust, lower self-esteem is likely. Strong role models seek out people who make them feel that they are okay just the way they are as well as who help them to deflect, reframe, or challenge the accepted belief. Strong role models also do this for themselves.
Recognition: Are my qualities and assets overlooked or celebrated?Those with low self-esteem are more likely to receive low praise. On the other side of the spectrum they may receive too much “empty praise.” The phrase “good job” is uttered no matter what they do so it doesn’t hold meaning anymore. Strong role models are built with real praise. When we celebrate meaningful assets in our children/students and connect them with character, process and outcome, words can be harnessed and used whenever that person is placed in a leadership position.
Expertise/Efficacy: Am I honing or phoning in my skills? True internal drive, determination and stick-to-itiveness allow us to reach mastery. The development of expertise also depends on the character to do each challenge to the best of our ability—to knowingly do it right even if we have the chance to “phone it in.” In our society, this takes more ethics than we might give credit for. “Quick fix” appearance-over-substance culture has taught young people to develop their personas instead of the person—to develop persona in lieu of their character. When expertise is acquired in an area of real interest, whether it’s in skills, teaching, or coaching, young people can hone and even personalize their skills. Let’s face it; it’s gratifying to make progress and achieve in areas that are meaningful to us.
Sample questions to assess esteem:
- What three things do you like about yourself?
- What three things could you teach someone how to do?
- What three people make you feel good about who you are?
- What experiences make you feel powerful and confident?
- How can our opinion of ourselves affect how we work with or lead others?
What is at the C.O.R.E of your children and students?
When do you talk about the importance of making mistakes? When can you convey, at home or at work, the growth opportunities that happen because you go out on a limb and make mistakes? I say; whenever the opportunity presents itself.
In the 2-minute video above, I talk about seizing the opportunity and conveying to ourselves and to those we teach, inspire, train, guide or lead that when trying newer skills:
(1) Mistakes are normal.
(2) Mistakes often show that you had the courage to try.
(3) Mistakes allow you to learn and grow.
(4) Aim for doing your best NOT being perfect.
(5) Our flaws are what make us human, lovable and interesting.
If you think about it, if we aren’t making mistakes, it may be because we aren’t trying something new or we aren’t truly engaging in the learning process. Without mistakes, how would we know that we do our best when we have more time to study (and worse when we leave it until the last minute)? Without mistakes, how would we learn when we get our best work done, where and when we are the most productive (and when we are not), who are the right people to surround ourselves with and who drag us down? We must love ourselves as the learners we are and realize that without learning, there would be no growth. As leaders, growth is what makes us better, stronger and more skilled.
In other words; don’t fear mistakes, embrace them. They are the ticket to your next learning opportunity.
Do you or those with whom you work or live often give up or shut down when a skill or concept is a bit out of reach? Are you or those you work with using language like; “it can’t be done,” “I can’t do it,” “I don’t know how,” or “It can’t happen?” You might be dealing with a fixed mindset that needs to be shifted so you (or the person in question) can grow.
This past year, I’ve talked a lot about the concept of “Not Yet” when presenting to business leaders and adults who work with children, teens and young adults. The idea of “not yet” here comes from Carol Dweck who discusses the “Not Yet” concept when presenting about shifting the mindset of young people. When we use the concept of “not yet,” she explains, we set children up with a growth mindset—one that allows them to see that while they have “not yet” mastered a new concept, they are on their way. They are making progress.
Those who had a fixed mindset only focused on the fact that they hadn’t mastered a skill “now” and therefore were more likely to cheat and assume they were unlikely to improve. “Not Yet” can make a big difference. Interestingly, they use the concept of “not yet” in my children’s school. And yes- I think we are missing something if we only apply it to kids.
So what about the concept of “Not Yet” for adults?
Whether you are an entrepreneur, parent, coach, teacher, CEO or business employee, you, too, have to shift your mindset to one that embraces “not yet.” Do you believe you can improve? Do you have room to try out new skills so you can get better? As adults, it’s so easy to get stuck in a rut perpetuating the myth of “this is how it’s always been done” or “old dogs can’t learn new tricks.”
Frankly, I think that is a bunch of garbage.
Do you want to employ the concept of “not yet” and change your results? Then, let’s go for it.
Here are some quick tips to keep in mind:
- Try new skills with the knowledge that you WILL improve. You may not have the concept “yet” but it’s simply a matter of time and practice. Believe that you will improve and master the concept.
- Stop the negative self talk. Having a negative nag in your ear is never a helpful strategy for success. Answer negative self talk with the concept of “not yet” and then keep practicing and working towards your goals.
- Show yourself the evidence: As you work to improve, chart or write down your progress. Learning to become a “runner” for the first time? Write down how long you were able to run for today. Trying to stay calm in the morning rush without yelling? Chart how long you were able to make it this week and what strategies worked for you. Trying to get better at presenting at work in front of others? Write down what you did better today (clear voice, clear concept, succinct points, etc). When you look at the evidence, you will see how you are improving over time.
- Keep going: If Rome wasn’t built in a day, 1000 practices before you become an expert and it takes at least 30 days to create a habit, how long will it take you to see improvements? That might seem like one of those convoluted word problems from middle school but the point is—improvements take time. Don’t stop. Persevere. Engage that indomitable spirit and you will leave your fixed mindset in the dust.
Remember to embrace yourself as a learner who can improve. You are “in process.” You may not have the skill, the concept, or the knowledge today—but that doesn’t mean you won’t in time. You just don’t have it yet.
Carol Dweck: “The Power of Believing That You Can Improve”.
Dweck, C. (2012) Mindset: How You Can Fulfill Your Potential, New York: Random House.
Women (and many men too) are notorious for aiming for perfect. Whether it’s in parenthood, the workplace, our looks or the overall appearance that we have it all together, imperfections are painted over with a broad brush.
Low risk. Low reward.
Our lack of honesty with ourselves and others is hurting much more than it’s helping.
For any of us to move forward in any realm of life, there must be room to make mistakes. To take the risks. To swim in doubt. To be authentic and imperfect and unsure on our path to success. Living a photoshopped life grounded in reality show flawlessness and Facebook photo perfection does not lead to forward movement.
So here’s some food for thought.
- When do you feel most connected with people? To truly connect, we must be real. Think about those friends, work buddies, clients or relatives in your life to whom you feel the closest. They know the real you, don’t they? The messy you. And it’s this raw honesty that allows the relationships to deepen. When we reveal our concerns, doubts and mistakes along with the strengths and accomplishments, you allow others to love you for who you are rather than who you project yourself to be. And the relationship authenticity can then go both ways.
- When can you progress as a parent, professional, athlete or performer? It’s when you take risks and go beyond your comfort zone, isn’t it? When trying a new technique or going down a path you have not yet visited, it’s hard to be perfect. We must embrace ourselves as the learners we are so we can take risks without the baggage. Each time we learn—each time we make a mistake—we become stronger, more knowledgeable and ironically, more successful.
- When can you figure out your next steps in life? It’s often when we provide room for doubt. If we continue to plug in the next move, the next job and the next conversation without providing space and time to figure out what we do and don’t want, we can be squelching our true, thought-out next steps. We must be able to ask ourselves, whether professionally or personally; “Am I happy with the direction I am going? Do I want to change my trajectory? Do I want to try something new? What do I truly want?” Doubt can be uncomfortable—but it’s a necessary vehicle for progress.
Life is not perfect. We must stop striving for perfection and instead, try for our best. Try for learning. Try for better, stronger, more nuanced and more open than yesterday. Life is messy, weird and wonderful. We make progress from imperfection. Letting go of perfect can feel like it’s shining high beams on our weaknesses but in actuality, it demonstrates our courage and strength.
Go for it!
It’s International Women’s Day—a day to reflect on the amazing women and girls in our lives but also to ponder what’s to come for the up and coming women in the world.
As the mother of a young girl and a speaker who works with girls and women with regard to leadership, confidence, mentoring, and the barriers that stand in our way, I see so much potential in today’s girls. Yet, I think there is some work to do in order to help them to become the leaders they are meant to be.
We know that there is still an imbalance when it comes to the number of women vs men in leadership positions. This is true in business as well as in government. Women have a great deal to offer but many are not taking their rightful place in this world—which for many, is in front…leading the pack.
How do potential women leaders stand in their own way of success?
(1) Pleasing others instead of pleasing ourselves: Many girls and women are known “people pleasers.” They want to be liked. They want to be admired. They want to feel useful. And while there is nothing wrong with being liked, admired, and useful—many girls and women will sacrifice what they want in order to “do” for others. Leaders do what is right and what is needed- but they also follow their own bliss. They assume their rightful place in this world not because others put them there or others don’t want the job but because they are doing exactly what they were meant to do. When a girl or woman follows her our own bliss, they are always in the lead. Nobody can usurp the position that has someone else’s name on it.
(2) Perception of ceiling: We’ve heard for years about a glass ceiling that is impenetrable by women in business. But every time I hear something like that, I think of Roger Bannister, a runner who was told it was impossible to run a 4-minute mile. It had never been done! And then he did it. Immediately following, others did it. I think if we sell ourselves and our daughters a bill of goods that this ceiling exists, they will believe it. What they believe is what they will see. Leaders don’t look at ceilings—they look at what’s beyond it.
(3) Distraction: Girls receive hundreds of messages each day telling them that they need to look and act a certain way if they are going to be deemed worthy by others. Questions loom in their heads; Am I thin enough? Too ugly? Pretty? Do I seem like too much of a know-it-all? Do people like me? Do guys like me? Am I sexy? As I told the New York Times when they did a piece yesterday about girls’ need to always be camera ready, “the preoccupation with ‘How do I look?’ may well be getting in the way of living authentically. They are looking outward in at themselves — constantly thinking of the mirror rather than being fully engaged in the conversation, the activity or the learning.” With one eye on one’s goals and another eye on how they look (or how they think they are perceived) while going after their goals, how are girls supposed to make it to the top?
(4) The ‘who the heck do you think you are’ complex? I have had my own run-ins with this goal-grabbing question. It’s the lesser-known cousin of “survivor guilt.” We question our right to achieve—and even the right to consider going after a particular goal. Am I worthy enough? What will others think? Why would anyone want to work with me? Why would anyone want to give me this chance, this job, or this award? Leaders don’t wonder if they should achieve, they make it happen.
(5) Overloaded- all things to all people: We are notorious for over-scheduling. We say yes. We over-yes. Spread so thin we nearly crack, our ability to concentrate on our own gifts and our own path diminish. Who has the time? Leaders don’t just make the time amidst everything. They say ‘no’ to many opportunities or requests so that they can honor the path they are on.
(6) Lack of tangible, known women role models & mentors: With so many anti-role models out there, it’s difficult at times to tease out who the winners are. Women in power are often cut down and labeled in a snarky world of politics and Hollywood appearance standards. Reality TV stars from girls glamorized on 16 and pregnant to Snooki getting into bar fights and hooking up, are lavished with attention and paid handsomely for their appearances nation-wide. The message tells us that those women and girls who are celebrated are not those who do great things but those who entertain us, look the part, and do what will get ratings. Step out of line and you will be denigrated. We need our girls to align themselves with real, unscripted mentors and leaders who can show them what true strength, perseverance, and courage looks like. No matter what other people say.
(7) Asking the wrong question: Many girls and women allow themselves to get sidetracked and shut down on their path to success when someone doesn’t like their idea, doesn’t want to help them, or has a bad attitude. Girls often wonder; “How can I change her mind? “ They begin to ponder; “if only she were different, then I could…” They allow the power to rest in their challenger rather than within themselves. No. Leaders take control. They accept the fact that a barrier exists and then ask themselves; “how can I get what I want or need even if this barrier is standing in my way?”
And while there needs to be an education process—to show men and boys what girls and women can offer without the *nudge, nudge, wink, wink* that statement often is slathered with—I refuse to say that the end-all-be-all answer to more women leaders lies in the hands of changing the minds of our men. Yes, as a mother of a boy I have a responsibility to raise a man who respects women—but I also must be accountable for the type of gutsy, focused, authentic girl I raise too. Not to mention, I must show her an example of what it means to be a female leader in my own life.
Who the heck do I think I am? I’m her mother.
PS. My friend, Amy Jussel, wrote an outstanding piece regarding what people are doing with social media and education to celebrate International Women’s Day…here.