How to Transform Toddlerhood: Turning Chaos into Connection with Devon Kuntzman

Hi everyone! I’m thrilled to share my parenting insights with you. If you found value in this episode, kindly leave an iTunes review. Stay updated on parenting tips by following me.

Mini Synopsis:

Toddlerhood doesn’t have to be a season of chaos, power struggles, and constant correction. In this episode, Dr. Robyn talks with Devon Kuntzman — founder of Transforming Toddlerhood and author of Transforming Toddlerhood: Connection-Driven Discipline that Works in Real Life — about how to rethink toddler behavior through the lens of development, compassion, and connection. Together, they explore how “terrible twos” are actually a vital period of brain growth, why tantrums are a form of communication, and how parents can move from control to guidance. From decoding behavior beneath the surface to setting limits that actually work, this conversation helps parents trade frustration for understanding and turn daily challenges into opportunities for trust and growth.

INTRODUCTION:

Toddlerhood is often painted as messy, chaotic, and full of power struggles — but what if we’ve been looking at it all wrong? What if tantrums aren’t signs of misbehavior, but communication? What if discipline isn’t about control, but connection? Today, we’re rethinking one of the most misunderstood stages of childhood — and uncovering how these early years can become the foundation for trust, resilience, and cooperation that lasts a lifetime.

Bio:

Devon Kuntzman is the founder of Transforming Toddlerhood, an ICF-certified coach, psychology graduate, and the original toddler parenting expert on Instagram with a community of over 1 million parents. A former nanny to high-profile families and now a mom herself, Devon has helped thousands of caregivers reframe toddler behavior through her courses, workshops, and annual Transforming Toddlerhood Conference. Her new book, Transforming Toddlerhood, offers a science-backed and compassion-filled approach to decoding big feelings, reducing power struggles, and creating connection-driven discipline that works in real life

Important Messages:

Toddlerhood Isn’t Terrible — It’s Transformative – Devon Kuntzman
“When we label toddlerhood as ‘terrible,’ we start from a place of frustration instead of understanding. The truth is, toddlerhood is a time of tremendous brain growth — they’re learning emotional regulation, communication, independence, and self-control all at once. It’s not misbehavior; it’s development. If we can shift our mindset and see these moments as opportunities for teaching rather than punishment, everything begins to change. Toddlerhood isn’t something to survive — it’s something to understand.”
The Parent’s Mindset Shapes Everything – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“I love that you talk about the power of shifting from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset in parenting. So many of us say, ‘I’m failing,’ or, ‘I keep yelling,’ and we feel defeated. But when we move from ‘I’m failing’ to ‘I’m learning,’ we leave room for growth. We’re showing our kids that mistakes don’t define us — they teach us. That mindset shift allows parents to lead with compassion and confidence instead of guilt and shame.”
3. Growth Mindset Builds Confident Leaders – Devon Kuntzman
“When we approach parenting with a growth mindset, we model resilience. We’re teaching our kids that learning takes time, and that it’s okay to get it wrong before you get it right. When parents adopt that mindset, they become more grounded — less reactive, more connected. You start to see your child’s mistakes not as personal failures, but as learning opportunities. It’s one of the most powerful leadership tools we can give our children.”
Repair Makes Relationships Stronger – Devon Kuntzman
“We all make mistakes — we yell, we lose our patience, we say things we wish we hadn’t. What matters isn’t perfection; it’s how we come back from those moments. Repair is what strengthens the relationship. When we say, ‘I’m sorry I yelled. I was feeling frustrated, and that wasn’t okay,’ we’re teaching accountability and modeling emotional intelligence. That kind of repair tells your child: our connection is safe, even when things go wrong.”
Behavior Is Communication, Not Defiance – Devon Kuntzman
“When a child says ‘no,’ throws a toy, or melts down, they’re not trying to give you a hard time — they’re having a hard time. Their behavior is communicating something they can’t yet put into words. So instead of asking, ‘Why did you do that?’ or labeling them as bad, we need to get curious. What’s underneath that behavior? Often, it’s fatigue, hunger, overstimulation, or just a skill they’re still developing. Once we start seeing behavior as communication, everything softens.”
Connection Comes Before Correction – Devon Kuntzman
“We can’t guide our children effectively if they feel disconnected from us. Before you correct, connect. It might sound like, ‘You really wanted that toy, didn’t you?’ or ‘You’re upset that it’s time to leave the park.’ Once the child feels seen, they’re more receptive to guidance. Correction without connection feels like control — but when you start with empathy, boundaries become easier to hold.”
Limits Create Safety and Trust – Devon Kuntzman
“Setting limits isn’t about power — it’s about safety and consistency. A limit says, ‘I care enough to help you learn what’s okay and what’s not.’ But those limits only work when we follow through. If you set a boundary you can’t enforce, your child learns that words don’t hold weight. So, choose your limits wisely, deliver them calmly, and be consistent — that’s how children learn to feel secure in your leadership.”
Setting Limits Isn’t Controlling — It’s Guiding – Devon Kuntzman
“When we set limits, we’re not trying to control our kids — we’re teaching them about boundaries, safety, and respect. A lot of parents worry that limits will make their child upset or push them away, but the opposite is true. Limits actually make kids feel secure because they know what to expect. When a child knows that even if they scream or beg, the rule is still the rule, it helps them calm down faster. They learn, ‘My parent is in charge, and that makes me safe.’”
Be Clear, Calm, and Consistent When Setting Limits – Devon Kuntzman
“A limit doesn’t sound like barking orders or saying no over and over again. It sounds calm, clear, and direct. You might say, ‘We’re not having cookies before dinner, but you can have one after we eat.’ That’s kind, firm, and predictable. It teaches your child that you hear their desire, but you’re also holding the boundary. Kids don’t need perfect parents — they need consistent ones.”
Tantrums Are Communication, Not Manipulation – Devon Kuntzman
“When a child is having a tantrum, they’re not trying to manipulate you — they’re overwhelmed by feelings they can’t manage yet. Their brain literally doesn’t have the capacity to calm down on its own. Our job is to stay regulated so they can borrow our calm. Instead of saying, ‘Stop crying!’ or ‘Go to your room!’ we can say, ‘You’re really upset right now, and I’m here with you.’ When we do that, we’re teaching them how to handle big emotions — not by shutting them down, but by moving through them.”
Don’t Fear Big Feelings — Guide Through Them – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“So often, parents panic when their child is crying, screaming, or losing control. We think, ‘This shouldn’t be happening’ or ‘I have to fix this now.’ But those big emotions are actually part of healthy development. Our role isn’t to stop the feelings — it’s to help our kids ride the wave. When we stay calm and present, we’re showing them that emotions aren’t dangerous and that they can survive them.”
The Iceberg of Behavior — Look Beneath the Surface – Devon Kuntzman
“Every behavior has something underneath it. The anger, the defiance, the ‘no!’ — that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Beneath it is an unmet need, a lagging skill, or an emotion that’s too big to manage. So instead of reacting to the behavior, we can pause and ask ourselves, ‘What’s really going on here?’ When we move from offended to curious, we can actually help instead of just discipline.”
Curiosity Builds Connection – Devon Kuntzman
“Curiosity changes everything. When you look at your child through the lens of curiosity instead of frustration, you start to understand them instead of trying to control them. You might notice that the tantrum after school isn’t defiance — it’s exhaustion. Or that the whining isn’t manipulation — it’s a request for connection. Curiosity helps you respond with empathy, and that’s where true cooperation begins.”
Scripts Help Parents Find Their Calm – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“I love that Devon includes specific scripts in her book — because sometimes, when we’re frustrated, our words just disappear. Having go-to phrases like, ‘I can figure this out,’ or ‘I’m still learning,’ gives us something to hold onto when emotions run high. Those small scripts re-center us, so we can model the exact calm and confidence we want our kids to develop. They remind us that we’re all still growing.”
Discipline Is About Teaching, Not Punishing – Devon Kuntzman
“When people hear the word ‘discipline,’ they often think about punishment — but the word actually means to teach. Our goal isn’t to make our child feel bad, it’s to help them learn what to do differently next time. When we guide instead of punish, we preserve the relationship while still holding limits. That’s how discipline becomes connection-driven — it builds cooperation, not compliance.”
You Can’t Regulate a Child You’re Dysregulated Around – Devon Kuntzman
“Our energy sets the tone. If we’re yelling or anxious, our child’s nervous system mirrors that. Regulation is contagious — so if we want our kids to calm down, we have to model calm. That doesn’t mean we have to be perfect; it means we pause, breathe, and ground ourselves before responding. When we bring calm into the room, our kids borrow it until they can create it on their own.”
Parenting Requires Practice, Not Perfection – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“Parents often think, ‘I should know how to do this by now,’ but parenting is a skill — and skills are learned through repetition. Every meltdown, every limit, every repair is practice. You’re not supposed to get it right every time; you’re supposed to keep showing up. The more you practice, the more confident and compassionate you become, both with your child and with yourself.”
Power Struggles Are Invitations for Connection – Devon Kuntzman
“When toddlers push back, it’s not because they want to make our lives difficult — it’s because they’re learning autonomy. Power struggles happen when both the parent and the child are trying to feel in control. Instead of battling for power, we can invite cooperation: ‘You can choose which pajamas to wear,’ or ‘Would you like to walk to the car or hop like a bunny?’ It’s not manipulation — it’s guidance through connection.”
Repair After Conflict Builds Lifelong Trust – Devon Kuntzman
“After a tough moment, coming back to repair with your child tells them, ‘Even when we fight, I still love you. Even when I lose my patience, our relationship is safe.’ That’s huge for a toddler’s nervous system. Repair doesn’t erase the mistake — it strengthens the bond. When kids see us take responsibility and make amends, they learn that love and accountability can exist together.”
Toddlerhood Is the Foundation for Lifelong Emotional Health – Devon Kuntzman
“The early years are where we plant the seeds for emotional intelligence, empathy, and resilience. If we can slow down and teach our kids to name their feelings, respect boundaries, and feel seen, we’re shaping how they’ll handle relationships, challenges, and setbacks for years to come. These moments — the tantrums, the limits, the repairs — they’re not small. They’re the foundation of everything that comes next.”

Notable Quotables:

“Toddlerhood isn’t terrible — it’s transformative. It’s a time when little brains are learning emotional regulation, communication, and independence all at once.” – Devon Kuntzman
“Connection always has to come before correction. If your child doesn’t feel understood, they can’t take in your guidance.” – Devon Kuntzman
“When you start seeing behavior as communication instead of defiance, everything about your parenting changes.” – Devon Kuntzman
“You can’t teach calm if you’re not calm. Regulation starts with us.” – Devon Kuntzman
“Repair doesn’t mean we’ve failed; it means we’re brave enough to rebuild trust.” – Devon Kuntzman
“Discipline isn’t about punishment — it’s about teaching. It’s not about control, it’s about connection.” – Devon Kuntzman
“Limits don’t push kids away — they help kids feel safe. Consistency tells them, ‘You can count on me.’” – Devon Kuntzman
“Parenting is a skill, not an instinct. Every tough moment is another chance to practice.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“When we shift from ‘I’m failing’ to ‘I’m learning,’ we make room for growth — in ourselves and in our children.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“Power struggles aren’t about winning or losing. They’re an invitation to connect and lead with empathy.” – Devon Kuntzman

“Toddlers aren’t giving you a hard time — they’re having a hard time.” – Devon Kuntzman
“Our job isn’t to stop the feelings — it’s to help our kids ride the wave and come out stronger on the other side.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“A child’s behavior is just the tip of the iceberg. Beneath it is always a need, a skill, or a feeling waiting to be understood.” – Devon Kuntzman
“Curiosity softens frustration. The moment we ask, ‘What’s really going on here?’ we move from control to connection.” – Devon Kuntzman
“Perfection doesn’t build trust — repair does.” – Devon Kuntzman
“Consistency is one of the greatest forms of love a parent can offer. It tells your child: you can depend on me.” – Devon Kuntzman
“You can’t regulate a child you’re dysregulated around. The calm you bring becomes the calm they learn.” – Devon Kuntzman
“Boundaries are not barriers — they’re bridges to safety, trust, and respect.” – Devon Kuntzman
“Every tantrum, every limit, every repair — it’s all shaping who your child becomes. These moments matter.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“Toddlerhood isn’t something to survive — it’s the foundation of everything that comes next.” – Devon Kuntzman