How to Talk to Kids about the Power of Emotions with Dr. Julia Di Gangi

In this episode, Dr. Robyn Silverman and Dr. Julia  DiGangi delve into navigating parenting challenges and managing emotions amidst chaos, uncertainty, and confusion. Join us as they offer valuable insights and practical strategies for maintaining emotional balance and effective parenting during tumultuous times.

INTRODUCTION:

Did you know that your success in life—as a parent, as a teacher, as an employer, as a leader—comes down to your ability to harness the energy that powers your brain. When your energy rises, you feel a burst of get-up-and-go—you feel empowered and dynamic. When your energy falls, as you well know, you feel down, stressed, defeated, and drained. Believe me—I know what that feels like too—we do a lot of things that feel exhausting, don’t we? How many times do we need to make dinner, lunches, laundry, lesson plans, all kinds of plans. It can zap us of energy—so how in the world do we employ it? What do we need to do? We need to recognize and harness the energy from our brains so we can lead with impact—whether this is within the home or school or outside of those arenas. How do we do this? For the answers, we will turn to our next guest.

Bio:

Dr. Julia DiGangi is a neuropsychologist who completed her clinical training at a consortium of Harvard Medical School, Boston University School of Medicine, and the US Department of Veterans Affairs. She has nearly two decades of experience studying the connection between our brains and our behavior. Dr. DiGangi has worked with leaders at the White House Press Office, global companies, international NGOs, and US Special Forces. The founder of NeuroHealth Partners, a neuropsychology-based consultancy, DiGangi shows people—at work and at home—how to harness the power of the brain to lead more satisfying and emotionally intelligent lives. She is the author of Energy Rising: The Neuroscience of Leading with Emotional Power.

Important Messages:

  • Human Pain and Human Power: I come from a family where there was a lot of good and also a lot of pain. From a young age, the idea of suffering and service were brought before me. Ever since I was a child, I knew I was on the planet to work with human suffering. When I first started my career, I did a lot of political activisms. I did a lot of community organizing. I did a lot of international humanitarian aid and development work. I was working in communities all over the globe: Chicago, Detroit, DC, Abuja, Nairobi, and South Africa. I have a spot for a tiny country in southern Africa called Lesotho, where I did a lot of my work. I realized in all of these places, loss always felt like loss, grief always felt like grief, and hope always felt like hope. I became very interested in the intersection between social justice and biology. One thing led to another, and I became a neuropsychologist. It has been the most extraordinary gift of my life. If I had a million lifetimes, I would live it on this altar of human pain and human power.
  • Emotional Intelligence: My brain is going in a million different directions. We have met this work with profound tenderness and mercy. I often say, “This is a hill I will die on.” Relational and emotional intelligence run on the currency of emotional energy. My book is called Energy Rising. Neurobiologically, emotions are neural electricity guiding our thinking and behavior. Emotional and relational intelligence are the most sophisticated intelligences on the planet. We will colonize Mars before we figure out how to talk nicely to each other on social media.
  • Emotional Circuits: As educators, parents, and people dealing with difficult emotions, we must understand our task is extraordinary. The second important piece, as fundamental as gravity, is that all the meaning in our lives rises on the energy of emotion. Think about any question that matters: Are they a good leader? Are they a good parent? How do you feel about it? Should you stay in your marriage? Should you leave? Should you get a new job? Do you have enough money? Do you have enough time? All of these questions fundamentally depend on how you feel about them, mediated by emotional circuits in the brain.
  • Emotional Conclusions: People come to me to talk about problems, but my medicine is talking—therapy, coaching, writing. Words are profoundly transformative. When people say, “I have a problem,” they are neurologically saying, “I have a bad feeling.” There is no problem until we first have a bad feeling about it. People try to solve problems logistically, strategically, financially, or organizationally. These are important, but at the crux is always emotion. For example, in trauma and anxiety research, the traumatic events people experience do not explain the majority of how they function after trauma. Some people develop PTSD, while others experience Post-traumatic Growth, finding resilience, hope, and connection. The trauma is always horrifying, but it’s the emotional conclusions we draw about our lives that infuse them with meaning.
  • Relationship with our Emotions: It’s easy to think, “This situation is too overwhelming” or “I’m totally screwed now.” But we can come into a new relationship with our emotions, and when we do, the situation transforms. One of the biggest mistakes people make is not realizing that the brain is a pattern detection machine. The brain tries to create a solution that it already knows won’t solve the problem. Often, the actual solution feels counterintuitive or like the opposite of what we thought. In Energy Rising, I talk about how my work is counterintuitive or opposite. We need to figure out how to come into a new relationship with our emotions, which at the beginning feels counterintuitive. Many people focus on situations, like trying to get someone to stop doing something.
  • Pain Tree: I use this example in Energy Rising of what I call the pain tree. Our system, the tree, is in pain, and we try to fix the tree by going leaf by leaf—this situation, this student, this administrator, this day, this comment on social media. But you’re not going to fix a sick tree going leaf by leaf. Going situation by situation in my life is a fool’s errand. I’ve got to start getting into the trunk and the root system, which is all about emotional energy. When I start to transform emotions, that’s when my situations change permanently and redemptively.
  • Strong Drive for Autonomy: I have two relatively young kids. My oldest, who is eight,  he wears all of his clothes backward. I think one of the bizarre ones is that he will put his jeans on backwards. So at first, I used to try to correct it. At first, I just thought it was an accident, but statistically, it was happening 100% of the time. So, this was not happening by chance. The neuropsychologist in me was thinking like a typical neural organization, but he started to say, “Mama, it’s because I want to”, I will be honest with you, at first, I don’t like this. What I really started to realize is that this child has a very strong drive for autonomy. The human brain is in relationships and is wired for them, and this actually explains every single relationship conflict on the planet. Like in our marriages, in our homes, and on social media between nations, the human brain is wired for connection, and the human brain is wired for choice or freedom. The drive for autonomy is the drive for self, and his drive for independence and autonomy is the next level. So, I had to watch myself and my triggers, and so when he wouldn’t listen or want to do things, I had to think about who I really wanted to be.
  • Leadership when triggered by Emotions: I talk about leadership like it is the most powerful and intimate force on the planet. How do I show up to lead my own life? On the days when things are easy, on the days when my kids are agreeing and my kid has an outfit that is all cute, and the emails aren’t overwhelming me, and the people are listening and the things are working, anybody can be a good leader. I think the greatest measure of our leadership is who I become when I am triggered by emotions that I don’t want to feel. Until we know how to hold our power, even in those moments of pain, frustration, or, you know, if I’m at a party with this kid in particular and I say, “hey, it’s time to go,” he’ll say, “I’m not getting in the car”, this used to embarrass me. As anybody who knows me knows, I don’t run a circus in my home, but I would have all these feelings, and I talk a lot about the energy of humiliation. Like, do people think all the things that we think, right? So, it’s like, how do I show up in a way that is merciful and that allows him to be who he is? I can only really do that once I am controlled by my own emotions. First. I get what people are saying about this term of co-regulation. I don’t think it exists. There is no co-regulation before self-regulation.
  • Additional note from Dr. Robyn: I actually know for sure in my home if I lose it. Oh, the whole place becomes derailed, which sucks because there’s a lot of pressure and I’m an emotional being. These kids can really drag me bonkers sometimes, like bananas. But I know for certain that when I can keep it together, breathe, and regulate myself, other people in the family do much better.
  • Emotional Signal: One of the things that I think is beautiful is that my book was published by Harvard Business Review, which obviously speaks to a lot of leaders. And so, when I initially wrote the book, I was like, I’m going to write it for all audiences. I’m going to write it to parents, I’m going to write it to educators, and I’m going to write it to entrepreneurs. And there’s so much beautiful, powerful stuff out there already about leadership. I feel like my contribution is really brain expertise. And so I said, based on how the brain works, what is really the neurology of leadership? And here is the best definition I can give you for who’s the leader: Leadership actually has nothing to do with hierarchy, age, degrees, or titles. The leader is the person in the room with the most potent emotional signal.
  • Who do I say that I am: When we are in a swirl of emotion, it feels like you can use any of these words: chaos, ambivalence, and confusion. I want to talk a lot about this because I think it’s going to be very helpful to people’s uncertainty. We don’t know what’s going on here; no one knows what the right or left hand is doing. It feels like confusion, chaos, and uncertainty. The brain’s answer to uncertainty, chaos, and confusion is identity. Who do I say that I am? And energy was rising, and I broke it into what I call neuro-energetic codes. These are very practical and beautiful blueprints for how to actually live our lives. I think one of the strengths of the book is that it’s very applicable. In code two, I talk about the idea of building a power pattern. So the power pattern is a very core, simple, universal statement about “Who do I say that I am?” I will give you an example of my own. Mine is that I am a global leader in emotional power; I am not the leader in emotion. When I say that, my body constricts. I don’t feel like I am the only one. I think there are tons of brilliant minds around emotional intelligence, but I do feel like I’ve been put on this planet to educate people about emotion.
  • Finding Calm in the Chaos: About a week ago, my kid said, “Mama, I want to go to the batting cages,” and it was really hot in Chicago. So I took him to a local batting cage. The machines were throwing fastballs, and I knew he wouldn’t hit any. He got frustrated and wanted more tokens, but we were out. He started saying upsetting things about himself and a little about me. In the crowded amusement park, I felt embarrassed and flustered. Then, I remembered my power pattern and told myself, “I am a global leader in emotional power.” This helped me stay calm. I got him in the car, knowing that only time and humor work with him. We drove to Dunkin’ Donuts. At the drive-through, I asked the guy, “How does a karate instructor greet his students?” He said, “I don’t know.” I replied, “Hi-ya!” The Dunkin’ Donuts guy laughed, I laughed, and my kid in the backseat started to crack a smile. He began to soften.
  • Dropping the Rope: I’m going to tell you why claiming identity is so transformative, not just for us, but for the people who rely on us. Do you know what I did not do that day? I did not create legacy trauma. I did not shout at him and say, “What is wrong with you?” I didn’t say, “Why the hell are you acting like this?” I didn’t say, “You are so ungrateful. Do you think I want to be sweating my butt off?” I let him be. I dropped the rope.
  • Transformative Power of “I Am” Statements (Additional Note from Dr. Robyn): In my book, I have a full chapter on self-esteem, body image, and identity, and how to talk to kids about these topics. One of the first things I discuss, and something I include in my presentations, is the power of your own “I am” statement. It’s so transformative. I love that you brought that up because it speaks to me deeply. I try to convey this to kids as well, that they can have an “I am” statement that can be debilitating and create negative patterns. These feedback loops, such as “I am ugly,” “I am lazy,” “I am stupid.” That was mine when I was younger: “I am stupid.” Then we put it out into the world, and people feed it back to us, making it stronger and stronger.
  • Shaping Reality Through Neurologic Capability: There is no meaning until it is mediated through our brain. Our neurologic capability determines our reality. Old patterns become well-worn roads, but the way out is to have mercy for ourselves, understanding this is sophisticated work. Often, we think if we don’t execute perfectly, the whole effort is wasted. But a powerful approach is to reach the edge of what’s available in the direction of power. For instance, if I identify as a global leader in emotional power, it helps me respond thoughtfully, even if I’ve made a mistake. This allows me to meet situations anew, simplifying my approach. Simplicity is key; consistency in identity helps navigate life’s challenges.
  • Driving Power Through Meaning: There is no meaning until it hits the nervous system, and we make meaning out of it. There are only two ways to drive power—meaning value, safety, confidence, courage, and all the good feelings we seek. One way is to get it externally, through energy-raising activities. This includes overgiving, overworking, overthinking, overanalyzing, overfunctioning, and overscheduling. There’s a significant difference between giving and overgiving, working and overworking, thinking and overthinking. We overdo these things because we are afraid and trying to manipulate the external world to create an inner sense of safety. However, this can increase anxiety. The best definition of anxiety is a disturbed relationship with certainty. Seeking certainty obsessively creates more anxiety.
  • Meeting Uncertainty with Identity: We can either try to create certainty externally, which can make us sick, or we can choose to meet uncertainty with identity. The future is inherently uncertain, but we can decide to face it with a strong sense of self. It doesn’t matter what happens—whether we are misunderstood, rejected, hurt, or chosen—we can meet these situations with our identity. This approach helps us maintain our inner stability and power regardless of external circumstances.

Notable Quotables:

  • If I had a million lifetimes, I would live it on this altar of human pain and human power.” – Julia Di Gangi
  • “Emotional and relational intelligence is the most sophisticated intelligence on the planet. As educators, parents, and people dealing with difficult emotions, we must understand our task is extraordinary. As fundamental as gravity, all the meaning in our lives rises on the energy of emotion. Think about any question that matters: Are they a good leader? Are they good parents?” – Julia Di Gangi
  • There is no problem until we first have a bad feeling about it. People try to solve problems logistically, strategically, financially, or organizationally. These are important, but at the crux is always emotion. For example, in trauma and anxiety research, the traumatic events people experience do not explain the majority of how they function after trauma. Some people develop PTSD, while others experience Post-traumatic Growth, finding resilience, hope, and connection. The trauma is always horrifying, but it’s the emotional conclusions we draw about our lives that infuse them with meaning.” – Julia Di Gangi
  • Going situation by situation in my life is a fool’s errand. I’ve got to start getting into the trunk and the root system, which is all about emotional energy. When I start to transform emotions, that’s when my situations change permanently and redemptively.” – Dr. Julia Di Gangi
  • “On the days when things are easy, anybody can be a good leader. I think the greatest measure of our leadership is who I become when I am triggered by emotions that I don’t want to feel.” – Julia Di Gangi
  • “I know for certain that when I can keep it together, breathe, and regulate myself, other people in the family do much better.” – Robyn Silverman
  • The brain’s answer to uncertainty, chaos, and confusion is identity. Who do I say that I am.” – Julia Di Gangi
  • “There is no meaning until it is mediated through our brain. Our neurologic capability determines our reality. Old patterns become well-worn roads, but the way out is to have mercy for ourselves, understanding this is sophisticated work.” – Dr. Julia Di Gangi.
  • The future is inherently uncertain, but we can decide to face it with a strong sense of self. It doesn’t matter what happens—whether we are misunderstood, rejected, hurt, or chosen—we can meet these situations with our identity. This approach helps us maintain our inner stability and power regardless of external circumstances.” – Julia Di Gangi

Resources: