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How to Talk to Kids about Staying Calm and Not Freaking Out with Carla Naumburg, Ph.D.
This episode features Dr. Robyn and Dr. Carla Naumburg as they delve into discussions about mindful parenting. They explore practical strategies for managing everyday challenges, fostering resilience, and promoting emotional well-being in children.
INTRODUCTION:
I used to feel myself starting to freak out when I had a big test when I was younger. I don’t know if you’re in that same boat. Many of us have that freaking-out feeling when it’s time to present in front of other people or when we are on the spot and have to answer a question. Do you remember when the teacher would go around the room or randomly choose somebody to answer a question and you didn’t know what it was, or you weren’t quite sure what it was? Remember that flood of flush to your face or that feeling in your legs—like you want to just head for the door? Or how about that useless shrink down that we used to do in our seat? Maybe the teacher will not see us and pick on us. I still remember that feeling. It’s that visceral. We all freak out sometimes. I know. We don’t always talk about it. We, it’s true. We are not always calm and collected. Our kids are not always calm and collected. Of course not. Our feelings sometimes get pushed down and pile up, and then we freak out. So, how do we talk to our kids about how to stay calm when we feel like we’re freaking out inside? Or maybe even bypass the complete freak out. That’s what we’re discussing today.
Bio:
Carla Naumburg is a Clinical Social Worker and the author of several parenting books, including the Bestselling, How To Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids. Her newest book, for kids, ages 8 and up, is called, How To Stop Freaking Out. The Ultimate Guide to Keeping Cool When Life Gets Chaotic. She lives outside of Boston with her husband and two daughters.
Important Messages:
- Experience with Stress and Parenting Carla: I was a professional working mom with two young kids, and I remember getting easily frustrated. It wasn’t just about what my kids were doing but everything around me too. You’re trying to juggle so many roles – the kids, the house, your work – and it can be overwhelming, especially when you feel like you’re constantly behind. I realized that I needed to find ways to cope, otherwise I wasn’t going to be the kind of parent I wanted to be.
- Understanding Why Kids Push Boundaries Carla: Kids don’t wake up in the morning thinking, ‘How can I make my parent’s life hard today?’ That’s not how they work. They push boundaries because they’re learning and growing, trying to figure out how the world works and where their limits are. It’s our job to help them learn without making them feel like they’re bad kids for doing it. They’re just testing their environment, and sometimes that testing looks like defiance.
- Parents as Emotional Regulators Carla: When kids are having big emotions, they need us to be their emotional rock. If we escalate, they escalate, but if we stay calm, it helps them calm down too. They rely on us to show them how to manage emotions. If we can model calmness, we are teaching them how to manage stress. And that modeling is crucial because kids don’t just learn by what we say; they learn by what we do.
- The Importance of Taking Breaks Carla: “As parents, we need to take moments to breathe and reset. It’s not selfish; it’s essential. I’ve found that even a small five-minute break can change how you handle the rest of your day. You come back to your kids more present and more capable of handling whatever they’re throwing at you. It doesn’t have to be a huge break, but those small moments can make a world of difference.
- Kids Learn by Watching Parents Carla: Kids are always watching us, even when we don’t think they are. They pick up on how we manage stress, how we handle conflict, how we talk about ourselves and others. We’re teaching them, even when we don’t realize it. So, if we’re constantly hard on ourselves or not taking care of ourselves, they pick up on that too.
- Self-Compassion for Parents Carla: We often talk about how parents need to show compassion to their kids, but what about self-compassion? Parents are incredibly hard on themselves. We’re always thinking about how we could have done better or what we messed up on. But it’s important to recognize that we’re doing the best we can, and we deserve compassion too.
- Parenting is a Learning Process Carla: Parenting is a learning process for both parents and kids. We make mistakes, we learn, and we try again. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being present, showing up, and learning from the challenges we face. If we can model that learning process for our kids, it shows them that it’s okay to make mistakes.
- The Power of Apologizing to Your Kids Carla: One of the most powerful things a parent can do is apologize when they’ve made a mistake. It teaches kids that it’s okay to mess up and that it’s important to take responsibility for our actions. It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength. When we say, ‘I’m sorry,’ it shows our kids that we’re human, and it builds trust in the relationship.
- Setting Boundaries with Love Carla: Setting boundaries with your kids is essential, but it doesn’t have to be done with harshness. You can set firm boundaries while still showing love and empathy. It’s about finding that balance where you’re saying, ‘I love you, and this is the rule.’ That consistency helps kids feel safe, even when they’re pushing back against those boundaries.
- Parenting in a Digital Age Carla: Parenting in a digital age comes with its own unique set of challenges. From managing screen time to navigating social media, it’s a different world than when we were growing up. It’s important to stay connected with your kids and understand the pressures they’re facing in this constantly connected environment.
- The Pressure of Perfectionism Carla: We live in a society that often promotes perfectionism, and parents can feel this pressure acutely. We’re bombarded with messages about the ‘right’ way to parent, the ‘right’ way for our kids to behave. But the truth is, there’s no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child. We have to let go of those unrealistic expectations.
- Teaching Kids to Manage Stress Robyn: One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is teaching them how to manage stress. Life is full of challenges, and if they can learn to cope with stress in a healthy way, they’ll be better equipped to handle whatever comes their way. It’s about giving them the tools to navigate life’s ups and downs.
- Dealing with Guilt as a Parent Carla: Guilt is a constant companion for many parents. We worry that we’re not doing enough or that we’re doing too much. But guilt doesn’t serve us or our kids. What’s more important is focusing on what we can do in the present moment to be the best parent we can be.
- The Importance of Play Carla: Play is so important for kids, but it’s also important for parents. When we take time to play with our kids, it strengthens our bond and reminds us to have fun. Play can be a way to relieve stress and connect with your child on a deeper level. It doesn’t have to be complicated, but it should be intentional.
- Being Present in the Moment Robyn: In a world full of distractions, being present with your child can be one of the hardest things to do. But it’s also one of the most rewarding. When you’re fully present with your child, they feel seen, heard, and valued. It’s about putting away the phone, letting go of the to-do list, and just being with your child.
- The Importance of Self-Care Carla: Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s essential for parents. If we’re constantly running on empty, we can’t be the parents we want to be. Taking time to care for ourselves allows us to recharge and be more present with our kids. It’s about finding balance and making sure we’re taking care of our own needs, too.
- Letting Go of Control Robyn: As parents, we often feel like we need to control everything – our kids, our schedule, our home. But letting go of that need for control can be incredibly liberating. It’s about trusting that things will work out, even if they don’t go exactly as planned. And when we let go, it opens up space for more connection and joy.
- Encouraging Independence in Kids Carla: It’s important to encourage independence in kids, even when it’s hard to let go. We want our kids to be self-sufficient, to be able to problem-solve and make decisions on their own. That doesn’t mean we’re not there to support them, but it means we’re giving them the freedom to learn and grow.
- The Role of Empathy in Parenting Robyn: Empathy is at the heart of parenting. It’s about understanding what your child is going through and being there for them in a supportive way. When we show empathy, it strengthens our connection with our kids and helps them feel understood. It’s not about fixing everything for them but being there as a source of comfort and guidance.
- Helping Kids Build Resilience Carla: Building resilience in kids is one of the most important things we can do as parents. Life is full of challenges, and we want our kids to be able to bounce back when things get tough. It’s about teaching them that failure isn’t the end, but an opportunity to learn and grow.
Notable Quotables:
- “Mindful parenting is about staying present with your child in the moment, not letting stress or emotions take over.” – Carla Naumburg
- “There is no perfect parent, and that’s okay. What children need is love and understanding, not perfection.” – Robyn Silverman
- “We have to learn to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes. Parenting is hard, and self-compassion goes a long way.” – Carla Naumburg
- “One of the most powerful things a parent can do is apologize when they’ve made a mistake. It shows kids that it’s okay to mess up and builds trust.” – Carla Naumburg
- “When we stay calm, we help our children stay calm. Our emotional state directly impacts theirs.” – Carla Naumburg
- “Listening is one of the most powerful tools in parenting. Sometimes, kids don’t need solutions, they just need to be heard.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
- “We can’t avoid mistakes in parenting, but we can teach our children how to handle mistakes with grace.” – Carla Naumburg
- “It’s okay to pause, breathe, and respond later. A thoughtful response is always better than a rushed reaction.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
- “We often try to do too much and forget that taking care of ourselves is just as important as taking care of our children.” – Carla Naumburg
- “Building a strong emotional connection with your child helps them feel secure, even when they make mistakes.” – Carla Naumburg
- “It’s not about always getting it right; it’s about showing up with love and compassion for your child.” – Robyn Silverman
Resources:
For Carla Naumburg:
- Website: https://www.carlanaumburg.com/
- Social Media:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carlanaumburg/?hl=en
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/cnaumburg
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carlanaumburg/
- Get a copy of her book:
(1) How to Stop Freaking Out: The Ultimate Guide to Keeping Cool When Life Feels Chaotic – September 10, 2024
(2) You Are Not a Sh*tty Parent: How to Practice Self-Compassion and Give Yourself a Break – September 27, 2022
(3) How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids: A Practical Guide to Becoming a Calmer, Happier Parent– August 20, 2019
(4) Ready, Set, Breathe: Practicing Mindfulness with Your Children for Fewer Meltdowns and a More Peaceful Family – December 1, 2015
(5) Parenting in the Present Moment: How to Stay Focused on What Really Matters Paperback – October 14, 2014
Link: https://www.amazon.com/Carla-Naumburg/e/B00MU6MV86
For Dr. Robyn Silverman:
- Podcast: How to Talk to Kids about Anything
- Website: www.drrobynsilverman.com
- Social Media:
-
- Instagram: www.instagram.com/drrobynsilverman/
- Facebook: www.facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman/
- YouTube: www.youtube.com/c/DrRobynSilverman
- Twitter/X: www.twitter.com/drrobyn