How to Talk to Kids about Making Friends with JoAnn Crohn M. Ed
In this podcast episode, Dr. Robyn Silverman and JoAnn Crohn discuss strategies for helping kids forge and sustain healthy friendships. They dive into effective approaches for guiding children in building meaningful relationships.
INTRODUCTION:
When you are cooking a meal you either need a recipe or some skill in knowing what to do, how much of this and that to put in, and what to avoid. Yes, people may approach the dish in different ways and may use some different ingredients but we all want the end result to be good. What does this have to do with anything, Dr. Robyn? Well, I think of teaching kids about making friends in the same way. There’s no one way to do it but you do need skill—for those who don’t naturally do it well, you need a recipe to follow—at least until they feel more confident taking some more license with it. How can we talk to kids about friendship and how do we help them learn how to make friends, choose friends, deal with disagreements and bullying, and maintain the friendships they have? Now I talk about this in Chapter 8 of my book, How to Talk to Kids about Anything—so if you want to go deep into the “how to talk to kids about friendship and bullying” topic, you can certainly look at the many tips and scripts I provide in there. And, we have a treat today, because I have a friend on the show who has written a book that you can read with your young children regarding this topic or your school-age kids can read on their own—that helps kids really understand that there are some skills that they can work on that can really help them make and be a good friend.
Bio:
JoAnn Crohn, M. Ed is a former elementary school teacher with a Master’s degree in Education and a National Board Certified Teacher. She is also a parenting educator and certified life coach who helps moms become happier and more connected parents by prioritizing themselves. She’s an accomplished writer, author, podcast host of the award winning No Guilt Mom Podcast, and speaker, appearing in national media and founder of the company, No Guilt Mom. She has a few books such as Drama-Free Homework and Me and My Friendships: A Kids Guide to Making and Being Friends—which we will talk about today! She’s a mom to 2 kids – ages 15 and 11. She’s been married to her college sweetheart, Josh for 17 years and they live in Gilbert, AZ.
Important Messages:
Teaching Friendships: I struggled with friendships as a child, feeling lost and shy, especially when I transitioned from a small elementary school to a much larger middle school where I knew no one. Through years of trial and error, I eventually learned that social skills can be taught. This realization fueled my passion for helping kids develop these essential skills, which inspired me to write a book and create resources that guide parents in discussing and teaching social skills to their children.
Modeling Friendships: As a parent, if your child struggles with making friends, the first place to start is by examining your own friendships and what you model for your kids. Growing up, my parents weren’t very social, so I never learned how to approach people or form friendships. Now, as a parent, I consciously model social skills for my kids by actively making new friends and explaining my thought process to them. For example, if I see someone with a dog, I’ll strike up a conversation about it, showing my kids how easy it can be to connect with others.
Starting Conversations: When teaching kids how to make friends, it’s important to give them concrete examples. After striking up a conversation with someone, I’ll break it down for my kids, explaining that I simply noticed a common interest—like a dog—and used it as an opening. By showing them how to start conversations and then explaining the process, I help my kids gain the confidence and skills they need to approach new people and form friendships on their own.
Right Environment: There is a way out for all of these kids to succeed in every single environment. I believe that the environment is really important for the child. For example, my son does not do well in loud environments. He was interested in basketball, so we signed him up for a team, but the noise in the gym was overwhelming. He couldn’t even get off the bench. The coach was wonderful and tried to help, but my son just wasn’t having it. This taught me that there are environments better suited to each child, and it’s crucial to find the right fit for them to thrive.
Common Ground: For kids who are not overwhelmed by their environment but are just trying to find common ground with others, a lot of this happens naturally in the classroom. When teachers put them in group work, they have extended time in a controlled environment to talk and discover commonalities. They might get off topic and start chatting about what they like or what they’re doing after school, and it’s in these moments that they find the overlap that helps them build friendships.
Helping Children Blossom: Sometimes, despite all efforts, the environment may just not be right for a child. My son wore a tie-dyed sweatshirt to school, and other kids made fun of him for wearing brightly colored clothes. The environment was one where blending in was valued over being unique. We eventually moved him to a different school, where the focus was on accepting and embracing differences. He didn’t change at all, but in this new environment, he found kids who shared his intense interests and emotions. It was the right place for him, and he blossomed there.
Finding the Right Fit for Your Child’s Unique Interests (Additional from Dr. Robyn): I feel like I had a similar experience with my son, who, you know, we sent to a camp over the summer a couple of years ago, and it was just so wrong for him. It was the kind of camp where some kids could really thrive, but you really needed to be of a similar mold—typically developing, super into sports. My kid liked some of the sports and had varied interests, but it was just like a square peg in a round hole. It just was not going to work. This summer, he’s at a program where the kids are coming from all over, not only the United States but from different countries. He’s doing criminal psychology and design, and there’s no homework or tests—just all the good stuff, like hands-on, super cool activities that you wish you had time to do in school. You need to diversify your child’s friendship circles and allow them to be in different environments. If you’re not able to do something during the school year, then maybe they have an afterschool program or a summer program in a totally different place. This gives them an opportunity to meet kids who have more overlap with them, even if they don’t live next door or down the street
Teaching Social Skills Early: Looking back at my career as a teacher, knowing now what I know, what would I have done differently in my classroom to help these students make friends? And the first thing I would’ve done differently is I would’ve had lessons on social skills. Lessons where it isn’t tied to them. Because so often when we see friendship problems and we’re like, ‘Hey, I feel like you might not be very adaptable,’ kids will automatically go into a shame spiral or they’ll get really defensive. They think it’s them. But when you teach something that happens to so many people, it’s different.
Making Adaptability Relatable Through Examples: When you teach like something that happens to so many people, and I feel this way when I read books and the author pinpoints something I am feeling right there—but it’s not me, like, it’s not tied to me—I’m more likely to take the information and run with it. So that’s the first thing. Just like, talk about adaptability as a group and be like, what does this mean? Or what does it mean to be adaptable? How could we show this? And then I love non-examples and examples. I have a flare for the dramatic, so I will act it out. I’ll be like, ‘If you go over to someone’s house and you’re like, no, all we are doing is baking chocolate chip cookies and nothing else,’ would that be adaptable? And they’d be like, ‘No.’
Understanding and Improving Friendships (Additional from Dr. Robyn): Sometimes even taking that approach, like if you’re reading your book with your kids, they may find, oh wait a second, something’s being revealed because it’s not like you’re doing this. It’s like, here’s an example of something that kids are doing that can be received poorly, and here’s why. And then in the same way you can, it was the first time that a parent, this was really early on when my book first came out, that they’re like, oh yeah, we read the entire section on a friendship together as a family and, you know, say this, not that, or, you know, here are some red flags in friendships or here are some things you can do differently.
Building Friendships Through Repetition and Invitations: Something I always tell my kids is that friendships result from repetition. Like, it’s not one of those high-pressure situations where you go in and you have to say the exact right thing, or that person will not be your friend. Instead, it happens through repetition just like sitting by the same person every day and talking with them each day. And then making an invitation. That’s really where friendship gets started. Making an invitation could be something like, ‘Hey, do you want to sit by me right now when we eat lunch?’ or ‘In free time during the school day, do you want to go and play this game with me?’ Just make some of those little invitations so you can practice making invitations with your kids.
Bridging Interests for Collaborative Play (Additional from Dr. Robyn): I watched my kids now, my daughter and my son, play together in a way that I thought was really interesting. My son would build amazing things out of magnet tiles—like rockets and garages—and then my daughter would come with her dolls and cars and play with the structures he made. It was a neat way of finding an overlap. Even though their interests were different—building and storytelling—they were able to create stories and play together, showing how diverse interests can lead to collaborative play.
Encouraging Inclusion for Shy Kids: It’s important to talk to both our shy and extroverted kids. For extroverted kids, we should encourage them to look around and see if there’s someone alone and invite them in. I tell my son a lot about how I was alone during middle school and eating lunch by myself. I want my kids to recognize those who might be experiencing the same feelings and not think they’re odd or weird, but rather someone who just needs an invitation.
Using Personal Feelings as Teaching Moments: When a kid pushes an issue that others don’t want to do, it’s often a sign they might do this around adults as well. I see these moments as teaching opportunities. Instead of blaming them, I tell them how I’m feeling in that situation. For example, I’ll say, ‘I feel like I’m not being listened to and my feelings aren’t being taken into account.’ This approach helps avoid making them feel ashamed and encourages them to understand and respect others’ feelings.
Staying Neutral in Kids’ Disagreements: I’ve learned that I need to stay out of my kids’ disagreements. I can be a coach or advisor, but I cannot talk to the other parent about it, even if I’m best friends with them. It’s tough to see our kids struggle with friends, but getting involved can hurt their friendships in the long run. Instead, I make it clear to my kids that it’s something they need to work through themselves, while I’m here to offer support and advice.
Teaching Healthy Conflict Resolution: When my son was upset with a friend and considered ignoring him, I explained that ghosting doesn’t solve anything and often makes things worse. I told him it’s better to express his feelings honestly, even if it might make the other person mad. By addressing the issue directly, he could move past the conflict and potentially improve the relationship. Even though he ended up being ghosted himself, he felt okay about it because he knew he had handled the situation as best as he could.
Letting Go of Control: Your kids’ friendships are their own. You can’t control them or judge your parenting based on their social lives. The best you can do is be there for them, offer advice, and provide resources to help them develop social skills. Letting go of control and not letting it stress you out will ultimately make you a better support system for your kids, who will then feel more comfortable coming to you with their friendship issues.
Allowing Kids to Choose Their Path (Additional from Dr. Robyn): It’s hard to separate ourselves from our own childhood experiences, whether it’s sixth grade, third grade, or even kindergarten. We often think, ‘I remember that feeling. Here’s what I did, and here’s what I think you should do.’ But it’s important to step back and brainstorm options with your child. Allow them to choose the solution they think will work best, even if it’s not what you would have chosen. Learning from mistakes can be just as valuable as having successful relationships.
Notable Quotables:
“When your kids see you starting conversations with people, they’re better able to see themselves start conversations too.” – JoAnn Crohn
“I consciously model social skills for my kids by actively making new friends and explaining my thought process to them.” – JoAnn Crohn
“Sometimes the environment is just not right for the child… But as soon as he got into this new school, which was the gifted academy in our district, his whole world opened up for him. He saw kids who were interested in these really intense subjects, and it was just his place, and he has blossomed there.” – JoAnn Crohn
“You need to diversify your child’s friendship circles and allow them to be in different environments. If you’re not able to do something during the school year, then maybe they have an afterschool program or a summer program in a totally different place. This gives them an opportunity to meet kids who have more overlap with them, even if they don’t live next door or down the street” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“As a parent, sometimes you feel like your child’s an extension of you. When they’re not adaptable and a friend calls to go home, it can be heartbreaking. You might think, ‘They were so rude; let me apologize profusely.’ But it’s not you—they’re learning.” – JoAnn Crohn
“You could ask your kid what they might invite a potential friend to do during the school day. They might come up with ideas like inviting them to sit together, play a game, or share supplies. Brainstorming these ideas can help kids feel more confident in social situations.” – JoAnn Crohn
“There’s a real benefit to getting a headstart and being good at something. My son has mentioned how tough it can be for new kids, and he likes to help them despite hearing rude comments. Showing kindness and helping others can really make a difference.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“The best thing for introverts is actually to be adopted by an extrovert. You have that kid who is in class and is like, ‘Come play with me,’ or turns around and says, ‘Let’s be friends.’ This simple act can make a big difference.” – JoAnn Crohn
“As a parent, you should share your feelings honestly with your kids—say, ‘I feel unheard right now’—without blaming them. This helps them learn empathy and accountability. Over time, they’ll start applying these lessons to their friendships, even if it doesn’t happen immediately.” – JoAnn Crohn
“Your kids’ friendships are their own, and you can’t control them or judge your parenting based on them. Be there to offer advice and resources, but let go of control. This approach reduces your stress and helps your kids feel more comfortable coming to you with their issues.” – JoAnn Crohn
“It’s important to step back and brainstorm options with your child, allowing them to choose what they think will work best. Learning from mistakes can be just as valuable as having successful relationships.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
Teaching Friendships: I struggled with friendships as a child, feeling lost and shy, especially when I transitioned from a small elementary school to a much larger middle school where I knew no one. Through years of trial and error, I eventually learned that social skills can be taught. This realization fueled my passion for helping kids develop these essential skills, which inspired me to write a book and create resources that guide parents in discussing and teaching social skills to their children.
