How to Talk to Kids About Homework Struggles Without the Nightly Battles with Phyllis Fagell
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Mini Synopsis:
Back-to-school often brings with it the challenge of nightly homework struggles—for kids and parents alike. In this episode, Dr. Robyn Silverman and school counselor and bestselling author Phyllis Fagell dive into practical strategies to support children as the workload increases and the stress builds. Together, they share tips to reduce conflict, build organizational skills, and help kids feel motivated and capable when it comes to tackling homework
INTRODUCTION:
There is a lot of emotional stuff to unpack when it comes to back-to-school. Yes, there’s the back-to-school jitters but there is also a great deal of emotion that comes to friendships and how we feel about ourselves and how we can handle different parts of school, responsibilities and relationships. I had a brief conversation with my dear friend, Michele Borba, the other day and I wanted you to hear some of what she said because it applies so well.
Bio:
Phyllis L. Fagell, LCPC is a nationally board certified school counselor, a therapist who works with kids and families in private practice at The Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Maryland, an educational consultant, and an author and journalist. She’s the author of the bestselling books “Middle School Matters”and “Middle School Superpowers” (Hachette Books) and a frequent contributor to The Washington Post. She also freelances for publications including Psychology Today, CNN, Working Mother, U.S. News & World Report and Your Teen, and her ideas have been shared in outlets including The New York Times,The Atlantic, The New Yorker, Edutopia, Mindshift and NPR. Phyllis speaks at schools and organizations nationally and internationally on a broad range of topics related to counseling, education and parenting.
Important Messages:
Homework Struggles Are Common – Dr. Robyn “Back-to-school and homework struggles often feel like they go hand-in-hand, for kids and for parents. As students move into upper elementary, middle school, and high school, the workload increases, the expectations rise, and the stress can follow. Even our youngest children, who are still learning how to balance focus after a full day of school, may find it hard to sit down and get homework done. So how can we set our kids up for success when it comes to homework? What conversations can we have that build good habits instead of nightly battles?”
Work With Kids, Not Against Them – Phyllis Fagell “Our job as parents isn’t to talk kids into wanting to do their homework—we have to work with them to help them find ways to get over their own resistance. And that’s really the hard part. First, acknowledge why they might not want to do it. Kids do want to do well, but they might find it boring, frustrating, or feel embarrassed to admit they don’t know what they’re doing. Once you figure out what’s getting in their way, then you can work with them to get beyond that, starting with what motivates them.”
Motivation Comes From Their ‘Why’ – Phyllis Fagell “Rather than trying to convince them why homework is important to you, work with them to figure out why it matters to them. It doesn’t have to be a deep reason. It could just be that it’s a prerequisite for another class or that once they get it done, it’s finished and they can move on to something else. They don’t have to like it to do it—it’s like exercise, you don’t have to like lifting weights to go to the gym. Beyond that, parents can remove some of the barriers that are getting in their way.”
Executive Functioning Matters – Phyllis Fagell “What you’re talking about is executive functioning skills, and that goes beyond simple avoidance. Some kids just leave homework stuck and crumpled in their backpack, think they finished it when they didn’t, or even hand it in to the wrong class. For those kids, having strong systems in place is essential. Schools often give kids monthly planners, but those usually get neglected because a month is too big of a time span. What we want is to break it down into manageable, daily pieces.”
The Today-Tomorrow System – Phyllis Fagell “One tip I use comes from Janine Janot, author of The Disintegrating Student. You fold a piece of paper in half, write ‘Today’ on one side and ‘Tomorrow’ on the other, and on Sunday night write down everything due the next day—homework, cleats for soccer, lunch, whatever it is. Paperclip it to the front of the calendar and cross things off as you go. At the end of the day, anything unfinished or new moves to the ‘Tomorrow’ side. Parents can start this with kids using an ‘I do, we do, you do’ approach until they can handle it themselves.”
Get Kids’ Buy-In First – Phyllis Fagell “You have to ask if they want your help, because if they don’t, the conversation is dead in the water. Start with empathy—say something like, ‘I can see this is really challenging. I remember how hard it was for me to balance everything.’ Then ask if they’re open to trying a system together, but stress that it’s an experiment. We don’t want them to try something once, have it fail, and then decide they’re doomed. We’re just throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks.”
Progress, Not Perfection – Phyllis Fagell “It’s so important to praise kids for progress, not perfection. Perfectionists especially feel like they should master something in one step, and that can set them up for disappointment. I’ll often draw a ladder with rungs, and we break down tasks step by step. If they’re still shooting too high, I’ll add more rungs in between to show that mastery takes time. Nobody understands geometry or masters organization overnight—it’s all about incremental growth.”
Homework Struggles Are Common – Dr. Robyn “Back-to-school and homework struggles often feel like they go hand-in-hand, for kids and for parents. As students move into upper elementary, middle school, and high school, the workload increases, the expectations rise, and the stress can follow. Even our youngest children, who are still learning how to balance focus after a full day of school, may find it hard to sit down and get homework done. So how can we set our kids up for success when it comes to homework? What conversations can we have that build good habits instead of nightly battles?”
Work With Kids, Not Against Them – Phyllis Fagell “Our job as parents isn’t to talk kids into wanting to do their homework—we have to work with them to help them find ways to get over their own resistance. And that’s really the hard part. First, acknowledge why they might not want to do it. Kids do want to do well, but they might find it boring, frustrating, or feel embarrassed to admit they don’t know what they’re doing. Once you figure out what’s getting in their way, then you can work with them to get beyond that, starting with what motivates them.”
Motivation Comes From Their ‘Why’ – Phyllis Fagell “Rather than trying to convince them why homework is important to you, work with them to figure out why it matters to them. It doesn’t have to be a deep reason. It could just be that it’s a prerequisite for another class or that once they get it done, it’s finished and they can move on to something else. They don’t have to like it to do it—it’s like exercise, you don’t have to like lifting weights to go to the gym. Beyond that, parents can remove some of the barriers that are getting in their way.”
Executive Functioning Matters – Phyllis Fagell “What you’re talking about is executive functioning skills, and that goes beyond simple avoidance. Some kids just leave homework stuck and crumpled in their backpack, think they finished it when they didn’t, or even hand it in to the wrong class. For those kids, having strong systems in place is essential. Schools often give kids monthly planners, but those usually get neglected because a month is too big of a time span. What we want is to break it down into manageable, daily pieces.”
The Today-Tomorrow System – Phyllis Fagell “One tip I use comes from Janine Janot, author of The Disintegrating Student. You fold a piece of paper in half, write ‘Today’ on one side and ‘Tomorrow’ on the other, and on Sunday night write down everything due the next day—homework, cleats for soccer, lunch, whatever it is. Paperclip it to the front of the calendar and cross things off as you go. At the end of the day, anything unfinished or new moves to the ‘Tomorrow’ side. Parents can start this with kids using an ‘I do, we do, you do’ approach until they can handle it themselves.”
Get Kids’ Buy-In First – Phyllis Fagell “You have to ask if they want your help, because if they don’t, the conversation is dead in the water. Start with empathy—say something like, ‘I can see this is really challenging. I remember how hard it was for me to balance everything.’ Then ask if they’re open to trying a system together, but stress that it’s an experiment. We don’t want them to try something once, have it fail, and then decide they’re doomed. We’re just throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks.”
Progress, Not Perfection – Phyllis Fagell “It’s so important to praise kids for progress, not perfection. Perfectionists especially feel like they should master something in one step, and that can set them up for disappointment. I’ll often draw a ladder with rungs, and we break down tasks step by step. If they’re still shooting too high, I’ll add more rungs in between to show that mastery takes time. Nobody understands geometry or masters organization overnight—it’s all about incremental growth.”
Small Steps Build Momentum – Phyllis Fagell “I’m a big believer in behavior activation, which research shows doesn’t require you to feel good about something before you start. If you just get going—even by doing something tiny like putting your name and the date on your homework—you get a hit of dopamine. That little reward helps you keep going. Once you’ve started, the task usually feels less overwhelming. The key is teaching kids that starting small can lead to big progress.”
Get Started, Then Keep Going – Phyllis Fagell “Homework, like exercise, doesn’t always feel enjoyable at first. But once you begin, you often realize it’s not as bad as you feared. Even the reward of simply finishing can be motivating. Parents can encourage kids to take that first step, no matter how small, knowing that momentum often carries them through. It’s about building the habit of starting rather than waiting until it feels right.”
Let Kids Set Their Own Goals – Phyllis Fagell “Research shows that when you write down a goal and post it somewhere you’ll see it every day, you’re 42% more likely to reach it. But the critical part is that it has to be their goal, not yours. A parent’s goal might be for the child to finish every assignment, while the child’s goal might be to simply survive the class. Both are valid, but kids need to articulate their own reasons. That way, the motivation is internal, not imposed.”
Personal Goals Drive Motivation – Phyllis Fagell “Kids may find powerful motivation in wanting to take a higher-level class, maintain the respect of a teacher they admire, or prove themselves in a subject they’re struggling with. Whatever the reason, if it resonates with them, it’s valid. Help them put it into words and then write it down so it’s visible. The act of owning their goal helps sustain them through the harder parts of homework. Parents’ role is to support, not dictate.”
Praise Incremental Growth – Phyllis Fagell “As children make progress—no matter how small—we need to point it out and praise it. Perfectionists, especially, will discount their improvement if they stumble even once. Show them evidence of their growth over time—through a math folder, videos of music practice, or examples of essays. Concrete proof helps them recognize that setbacks don’t erase progress. They’re still moving forward.”
Home and School Are Partners – Dr. Robyn “Sometimes the best thing parents can do is work in partnership with the school. That might mean letting a counselor or teacher take the lead in helping a child establish systems, while parents focus on keeping home calmer and supportive. It doesn’t always have to be a parent-child power struggle. When we share the responsibility with educators, kids feel supported on all sides. And it gives us the chance to stay connected in a more positive way at home.”
Notable Quotables:
“Our job as parents isn’t to talk kids into wanting to do their homework—we have to work with them to help them find ways to get over their own resistance.” – Phyllis Fagell
“Kids don’t have to like homework to do it—it’s just like exercise. You don’t have to like lifting weights to go to the gym.” – Phyllis Fagell
“We can’t want homework more than our kids do. It’s their work, not ours.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“Home should be a safe place. If you’re constantly fighting about homework, it’s not working.” – Phyllis Fagell
“When kids say, ‘I can’t do it, I never get it,’ show them evidence of the progress they’ve made. It’s not always about the end result—it’s about growth along the way.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“Even small pauses or sighs can come across as judgment. Kids are experts at sniffing out inauthenticity.” – Phyllis Fagell
“Nobody masters organization or geometry overnight. It’s about taking small steps and celebrating progress.” – Phyllis Fagell
“When your child hits a tough problem, tell them to circle it and come back later. Don’t let frustration end the whole night.” – Phyllis Fagell
“If you just get started—even by putting your name on your homework—you get a dopamine hit that helps you keep going.” – Phyllis Fagell
“The key to motivation is helping kids identify their goal, not ours. That’s when effort becomes meaningful.” – Phyllis Fagell
“We’re not looking for perfection—we’re throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks.” – Phyllis Fagell
“A low grade or tough moment is not a referendum on your child’s intelligence—it’s just part of learning.” – Phyllis Fagell
“Kids are more likely to finish their work when the atmosphere at home is calm and supportive.” – Phyllis Fagell
“Sometimes the best thing parents can do is partner with the school, instead of making homework a nightly battle.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“If kids write down their goals and see them every day, they’re 42% more likely to reach them.” – Phyllis Fagell
“Failure can be uncomfortable, but it’s also an opportunity for resilience.” – Phyllis Fagell
“Parenting is often the ultimate do-over. If you didn’t get it right today, you can always try again tomorrow.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
Personal Goals Drive Motivation – Phyllis Fagell
