In this episode, Dr. Robyn Silverman talks with clinical psychologist and USA Today bestselling author Dr. Chloe Carmichael about the psychology of free speech and what it costs us when we stop saying what we really think. Together they explore the difference between healthy self-restraint and harmful self-censorship, how words shape our mental health and connections, what the WAIT test is and how to use it, the neuroscience of authentic communication, how to listen even when we disagree, and what free speech has to do with leadership, parenting, and raising kids who can speak up with clarity and confidence.
Introduction:
We are living in a time when many people feel like they have to hold back what they really think, worried about saying the wrong thing, being misunderstood, or being canceled. And while open dialogue is essential for connection, there is also a real question many of us are asking when it comes to our children, our teens, and even for ourselves: where is the line? Do hate speech, bullying, and misinformation have a place in everyday discourse, or are we losing something important when we shut conversations down? In this episode, we are talking about how to express ourselves honestly while still listening — even when we disagree. We will discuss how to navigate difficult conversations without fear, and what it truly takes to communicate with both confidence and care.
Short Bio:
Dr. Chloe Carmichael is a clinical psychologist and USA Today bestselling author known for her warm yet direct approach to some of psychology’s most important questions. She completed her doctorate in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University after graduating summa cum laude from Columbia University. She works with high-achieving individuals in her private New York City practice and presents workshops for corporations, universities, and think tanks. Her first book, Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety, was endorsed by Deepak Chopra. Her newest book, Can I Say That? Why Free Speech Matters and How to Use It Fearlessly, has been endorsed by Dr. Phil, Dr. Drew, and Dr. Daniel Amen, among others, and reframes free speech as not just a legal or political issue — but a mental health one. Dr. Chloe has been featured in The New York Times, Vanity Fair, Forbes, and Rolling Stone, and has appeared on ABC Nightline, CNN, Fox, VH1, and Inside Edition.
Important Messages:
Self-Censorship Is a Mental Health Issue, Not Just a Political One — Dr. Chloe Carmichael
When we stifle what we genuinely believe because we fear offending people or being pushed out of a group, we do not just lose a conversation. We start to disconnect from ourselves. Over time, hiding parts of our authentic perspective can lead to repression, suppression, and a kind of internal dissociation where we make choices that no longer align with our actual values.
Free Speech Is Not a Defense for Bullying — Dr. Chloe Carmichael
Free speech, correctly understood, is about the freedom to express genuine beliefs, challenge ideas, and ask questions without fear of punishment. It is not a license for mean-spirited name-calling, and it is certainly not a justification for publicly targeting a child and calling for their bullying. Those are separate categories, and conflating them does a disservice to both.
Speaking Up Disturbs Your Outer Peace. Not Speaking Up Disturbs Your Inner Peace. — Dr. Robyn Silverman
When we stay silent to keep the peace, we often end up present in body but absent in mind — sitting with someone while mentally rehearsing the conversation we wish we had. That is not connection. Authentic relationships require some willingness to disturb the surface in order to protect what is underneath.
Silence Has a Cost Too — Dr. Chloe Carmichael
People often think of speaking up as the risk and staying quiet as the safe option. But holding things in chronically raises cortisol levels, makes emotional regulation harder, and erodes the quality of our social connections. When we are not being authentic with the people around us, we degrade the very support system our mental health depends on.
Neural Syncing: What Authentic Communication Does to the Brain — Dr. Chloe Carmichael
When two people engage in genuine, authentic conversation, their brains begin to develop matching neural patterns — a phenomenon called neural coupling. This does not happen when someone is performing or pretending. As tribal creatures, human beings are wired to need this kind of real synchrony with others, and when we fake it, our bodies and brains register the absence of true connection.
Say the Quiet Part Out Loud — Dr. Robyn Silverman
When children or adults have been holding something back, the most powerful first step is often just naming that fact. “I’ve been nervous to bring this up because I didn’t want you to be upset with me.” Saying the hesitation out loud does not make you more vulnerable — it actually invites the other person in, because it signals honesty and gives them something real to respond to.
Use the WAIT Test Before Speaking Up — Dr. Chloe Carmichael
The WAIT acronym helps you decide when and how to speak up. W: Do you Want to say it? A: Is this the right time and place? I: Can you Inoculate first — test the waters gently before going all in? T: Do you Trust the person you are speaking to? Walking through these questions before a hard conversation puts you back in control and reduces the chance of saying the right thing at the wrong moment.
Inoculation: Test the Waters Before Going All In — Dr. Chloe Carmichael
When a teenager wants to share a different point of view with her friend group, she does not have to declare a new position all at once. She can signal openness first — “Hey, I’ve been looking at some different perspectives on this and it’s making me think” — and then wait to see how the group responds. This approach gives her information and keeps her in control of how much she reveals and when.
Listening Does Not Mean Agreeing — Dr. Chloe Carmichael
One of the most common blocks to good listening is the fear that hearing someone out means endorsing their view. It does not. You can sit with a perspective, follow it fully, and still hold your own. Saying “Thank you for sharing your viewpoint with me” after someone speaks signals that you heard them — not that you agreed. That distinction is powerful and worth modeling for children.
A True Safe Space Is Where People Can Disagree and Still Be Safe Together — Dr. Chloe Carmichael
Safety in a relationship or a classroom does not mean the absence of disagreement. It means that disagreement can happen without harm. Supreme Court Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Antonin Scalia held opposite views on nearly everything — and vacationed together, had lunch every week, and spoke warmly of each other. That is what a genuinely safe space looks like.
Notable Quotables:
“When we stifle ourselves from saying what we really think, we risk disconnecting from ourselves. If we feel some part of ourselves is so shameful it can’t be spoken, we can start hiding that part even from ourselves.”
— Dr. Chloe Carmichael
“Speaking up can disturb your outer peace. But if we don’t speak up, our inner peace is disturbed. We can’t sleep. We can’t concentrate. We’re there with someone but not really there at all.”
— Dr. Robyn Silverman
“Free speech is not about the freedom to say mean-spirited things. It is about being able to say what you genuinely think about ideas that matter — to challenge a professor, to ask a hard question, to disagree without being punished for it.”
— Dr. Chloe Carmichael
“Say the part out loud — the part that says I’ve been worried to bring this up. I’ve been nervous. Whatever it is, just get it out in the open. Authenticity and vulnerability invite people in.”
— Dr. Robyn Silverman
“People think of speaking up as the risk and staying quiet as the easy way out. But staying quiet all the time has its own fallout. It raises cortisol. It makes it harder to regulate emotions. The ‘easy way’ is not actually easy.”
— Dr. Chloe Carmichael
“Listening does not mean agreeing. I used to be afraid that if I listened without challenging something I disagreed with, it was as if I was agreeing with it. Understanding that those are two different things changed how I show up in conversations.”
— Dr. Chloe Carmichael
“A lot of people in leadership positions don’t realize they are promulgating their own viewpoint as if it is the correct one with a capital C. Acknowledging and summarizing other viewpoints in the room is not weakness. It makes the whole project better.”
— Dr. Chloe Carmichael
“A true safe space is where people can disagree and still be safe together. RBG and Antonin Scalia were on completely opposite sides of the bench. They vacationed together. They had lunch every week. That is what a safe space looks like.”
— Dr. Chloe Carmichael
“Free speech is not the enemy. It transcends politics. It is really a mental health issue. And when we don’t make space for people to discuss disagreements directly, they resort to passive aggression. Or worse.”
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