Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS | More

How to Talk to Boys about Tough Topics with Joanna Schroeder and Christopher Pepper

Hi everyone! I’m thrilled to share my parenting insights with you. If you found value in this episode, kindly leave an iTunes review. Stay updated on parenting tips by following me.

Mini Synopsis:

Many parents worry that their boys don’t want to talk—but what if that’s not true? In this powerful episode, Dr. Robyn sits down with Joanna Schroeder and Christopher Pepper, co-authors of Talk to Your Boys, to explore how to open the door to meaningful conversations with tween and teen boys about emotions, sex, consent, substances, school, masculinity, and more. Together, they unpack the myths that keep boys boxed in, the cultural pressures shaping their choices, and the simple but powerful shifts parents can make to build trust instead of fear.

INTRODUCTION:

Many parents worry about how to reach their tween or teen boys—especially when it comes to big topics like emotions, mental health, relationships, sex, power, and responsibility. There’s a long-standing belief that boys don’t want to talk, but the truth is, many boys want connection—they just don’t always know how to start the conversation. Today, we’re talking about how parents can open the door to meaningful dialogue with their sons, recognize the moments when boys are ready to talk, and use everyday conversations to help raise confident, caring, emotionally intelligent young men

Bio:

Joanna Schroeder and Christopher Pepper are the co-authors of Talk To Your Boys: 16 Conversations to Help Tweens and Teens Grow into Confident, Caring Young Men. Joanna is a parenting journalist and media critic whose work on raising healthy boys has appeared in The New York Times, The Boston Globe, Vox, and more, and she writes the newsletter Zooming Out. Christopher is an award-winning health educator in the San Francisco Unified School District and the writer of the bestselling Substack Teen Health Today, where he focuses on mental health, substance use, sexuality, and healthy masculinity. Together, they combine expert insight with the real voices of boys to help families navigate crucial conversations that build connection and resilience.

Important Messages:

  • Keep Knocking on Closed Doors: Christopher Pepper – “I think that we really need to keep talking to boys longer than most people think we need to talk to them. So as they go through middle school, as they go through high school, as they go off into their young adult life or into college, to keep having kind of graduated levels of conversation involving them more and respecting that their ideas may not always be the same as yours. And even if they’re sometimes shutting the door or saying, ‘I don’t want to talk right now,’ to keep knocking on that door and keep trying to have those conversations.”

  • Move Beyond the “Man Box”: Joanna Schroeder – “Boys grow up limited by what’s been referred to as the ‘man box’—these expectations and limitations that box them in as it relates to what they can do, like, become, strive for, feel, and how they should behave. And we have to actively talk to them about those messages. Because if we don’t, they just absorb them from culture and peers. And a lot of boys actually want something bigger than that—they just need permission to step outside of it.”

  • Consent Means Everyone Walks Away Feeling Good: Christopher Pepper – “I really think the language of consent can be really powerful when they’re thinking about sexuality, because they can set limits and expect their partner to respect those limits. And the goal of a consensual encounter is for everybody to walk away saying, ‘Oh, that was fun. That was satisfying.’ Even if they say, ‘I don’t think I want to do that again,’ they’re not walking away feeling manipulated. They’re not feeling regretful or forced to do something.”

  • Ask: How Do You Want Them to Feel?: Christopher Pepper – “For somebody who’s at a point where they might do something sexual—maybe they’re making out or taking their shirts off—thinking about when that encounter ends, how do you want the other person to feel? How do you want to feel? A lot of older messaging for boys is about getting something from somebody else. But this shifts it toward agency and mutual respect. It’s about both people having a voice in what happens.”

  • Casual Sex Isn’t Emotion-Free: Christopher Pepper –“Boys often get the message like, ‘Oh, you can just have sex and there’s no feeling attached to it,’ just trying to get a big body count. And that is not the experience of most people. Most people have emotions when they’re sexual with another person—feelings come up. They catch feelings. And those feelings can sometimes be pretty serious, so that’s just something to be aware of in the mix of other things you’re talking about with sexuality.”

  • Fentanyl Changes the Conversation: Christopher Pepper –“Prescription pills—there are very good counterfeits available now. And when people are buying pills from social media or getting them from friends, often those are counterfeit and unfortunately now very often contain fentanyl. So what I tell my kids is, never take a pill that’s not prescribed to you in a prescription bottle that you know your doctor prescribed to you. Don’t take random pills. Because that sudden overdose risk just wasn’t there in the same way in the past.”

  • Lead With Safety, Not Fear: Christopher Pepper – “I think we can borrow some lessons from how parents talk about drinking and driving. You can say, ‘I’d prefer if you don’t drink at all. But if you are, definitely don’t drive a car and don’t get in a car with someone who’s been drinking.’ And setting up those messages like, ‘You can call me anytime. You can get an Uber or Lyft. You’re not going to be in trouble. The most important thing is for you to get home safe.’ That practical mindset—where safety is the main goal—can apply to other substances too.”

  • If You Lead With Threats, They Won’t Call: Dr. Robyn Silverman –“It’s really important that we say that because the message that you’re going to be in so much trouble if I find out you’ve been drinking or you took something can actually keep our kid from contacting us when they need us. If they did drink something, take something, they’re at a party where it’s happening and they don’t want you telling them, you know, this is it—your phone, your computer, your whole life is ended right now because I’m taking everything. That fear can shut down the very connection we need in that moment.”

  • If They Don’t Believe You, They Won’t Reach Out: Joanna Schroeder – “So this is a model for a lot of different conversations. For instance, if I found out you’re watching Andrew Tate, you’re going to lose your phone. Then if he sees something and has questions, he’s not coming to you to ask them. We interviewed more than 80 boys for this book, and they tell us constantly, ‘My dad says I can call him anytime if I’ve been drinking, but I know I’ll lose my car. I know he says I won’t be in trouble, but I don’t believe him. He’s going to be so mad.’ So it’s like they don’t believe us, and we need to find a way to communicate in a way that keeps the door open.”

  • When School Feels “Dumb,” Validate First: Joanna Schroeder – “Don’t say, ‘It’s all very important and you need to get straight A’s or you’re going to fail in life and disappoint everybody.’ Instead say, ‘I totally understand.’ A lot of these things you probably won’t specifically need, but your brain is growing in school in all sorts of different ways. Even if you don’t use pre-calc, you’re learning mathematical processes that are going to come in helpful later. And even if the only reason you’re learning it is to get that A or B so you can go to that college on your list, that’s a good enough reason.”

  • If You Catch Porn, Start With Curiosity: Christopher Pepper – “Don’t lean on shame. Don’t come in and say, ‘Oh my gosh, how could you watch that? You should be so ashamed of yourself.’ Instead say, start with curiosity. ‘Can you tell me about what you’re watching?’ Or, ‘I was surprised to see that on your screen. What’s up?’ Just sort of an open-ended question like that. Start with curiosity.”

  • Porn Is Common — So Talk About It: Christopher Pepper – “In our current teenage culture, almost everyone sees porn. It is very common. And we want to stay connected to our boys. One of the risks of people seeing porn is that they’re learning about sex through the videos they’re seeing, and it’s not a great way to learn how sex actually works in most real-life situations. So you want to be able to actually have conversations about that — and if you come in really hot and angry, those conversations aren’t going to happen.”

  • Ask If It’s a Good Time to Talk: Joanna Schroeder – “The first tip is ask your kid if it’s a good time to talk. Yes, you’re the parent. Yes, you can just impose if you want to, but start showing that you respect him as an individual by just saying, ‘Hey, is now a good time to talk?’ Don’t just assume that when he’s looking at his phone or zoning out with headphones on that he’s doing nothing. Sometimes doing nothing is important emotional work anyway.”

  • Move Together to Lower Defenses: Joanna Schroeder – “The second step is move — move with your kid if that’s what he responds to. If you can throw a ball back and forth, strum guitars, build a tent, or just walk, then as Dr. Stan Tatkin told us, the brain allows the adrenaline and the protective hormones and all the stress stuff to settle down. He can start opening up more. And you also might not be staring him straight in the eyes, which can be really intimidating to a lot of kids.”

  • Talk About Ethics, Not Just Rules: Christopher Pepper – “As they go through middle school and high school and into young adult life, we want to involve them more and respect that their ideas may not always be the same as ours. But to really be thinking about ethics — thinking about how they want to live their life, what kind of person they want to be in the world. Those are the conversations that matter. It’s not just about rules. It’s about identity.”

  • Sex Should Be About Mutual Enjoyment: Joanna Schroeder – “One thing I learned years ago was talking about sex as something that, you know, two grownups who care about each other, they have sex sometimes just because it’s fun. It’s fun for both of them. Both of them are happy about it. And keeping that spirit of emotion enmeshed with it is important. Even if it’s casual, it should still be fun or connective in some way.”

  • Emotions Are Part of Sexuality: Christopher Pepper –  “I would pair that with the message that many young people find that casual sex carries more emotions than they expect. Boys often get that message like, ‘You can just have sex and there’s no feeling attached to it.’ But that’s not most people’s experience. Most people have emotions when they’re sexual with another person. Feelings come up. They catch feelings.” 

  • Borrow Words When You Need Them: Dr. Robyn Silverman – “You don’t even have to have the words. You can borrow somebody else’s words who has been thinking about this and writing about this and working through it. You can use a video, a story, a real-life example as your entry point. You don’t have to do this alone. Sometimes that makes it easier for our kids to connect to the message.”

  • Safety Is the Main Goal: Christopher Pepper – “You can say, ‘I’d prefer if you don’t drink at all.’ But if you are, definitely don’t drive and don’t get in a car with someone who’s been drinking. You can call me anytime. You can get a ride home. You’re not going to be in trouble. The most important thing is for you to get home safe. That practical mindset — where safety is the main goal — can apply to other substances too.”

  • Respect Builds Connection: Joanna Schroeder – “Start showing that you respect him as an individual. Ask if it’s a good time to talk. Give a little preview — ‘It’s nothing serious,’ or ‘This is important, we need about 20 minutes.’ When you approach them with respect, when you show that you see them as someone whose time and emotional state matters, that changes the tone. And when the tone changes, the conversation opens.”

Notable Quotables:

  • “Even if they’re shutting the door… keep knocking.”
     — Christopher Pepper
    “I think that we really need to keep talking to boys longer than most people think we need to talk to them… and even if they’re sometimes shutting the door or saying, ‘I don’t want to talk right now,’ to keep knocking on that door and keep trying to have those conversations.”
  • “The goal of consent is that everyone walks away feeling good.”
     — Christopher Pepper
    “The goal of a consensual encounter is for everybody to walk away saying, ‘Oh, that was fun. That was satisfying.’ Even if they say, ‘I don’t think I want to do that again,’ they’re not walking away feeling manipulated or regretful or forced.”
  • “How do you want them to feel?”
     — Christopher Pepper
    “When that encounter ends, how do you want the other person to feel? How do you want to feel? A lot of the older talk for boys is about getting something from somebody else. This shifts it to agency and mutual respect.”
  • “Casual sex carries more emotions than they expect.”
     — Christopher Pepper
    “Boys often get the message like, ‘Oh, you can just have sex and there’s no feeling attached to it.’ But that is not the experience of most people. Most people have emotions when they’re sexual with another person. Feelings come up. They catch feelings.”
  • “Never take a pill that’s not prescribed to you.”
     — Christopher Pepper
    “What I tell my kids is, never take a pill that’s not prescribed to you in a prescription bottle that you know your doctor prescribed to you. Don’t take random pills. That sudden overdose risk just wasn’t there in the same way in the past.”
  • “If they think they’ll be in trouble, they won’t call.”
     — Dr. Robyn Silverman
    “The message that you’re going to be in so much trouble if I find out you’ve been drinking or took something can actually keep our kid from contacting us when they need us. That fear can shut down the very connection we’re trying to protect.”
  • “They don’t believe us.”
     — Joanna Schroeder
    “They tell us constantly, ‘My dad says I can call him anytime if I’ve been drinking, but I know I’ll lose my car. I know he says I won’t be in trouble, but I
  • “Don’t lean on shame.”
     — Christopher Pepper
    “Don’t come in and say, ‘Oh my gosh, how could you watch that? You should be so ashamed of yourself.’ Instead say, ‘Can you tell me about what you’re watching?’ Start with curiosity.”
  • “Almost everyone sees porn.”
     — Christopher Pepper
    “In our current teenage culture, almost everyone sees porn. It is very common. And we want to stay connected to our boys, because if we come in really hot and angry, those conversations aren’t going to happen.”
  • “Ask if it’s a good time to talk.”
     — Joanna Schroeder
    “Yes, you’re the parent. Yes, you can just impose if you want to. But start showing that you respect him as an individual by just saying, ‘Hey, is now a good time to talk?’ That changes the tone right away.”
  • “It’s not just rules — it’s about identity.”
     — Christopher Pepper
    “As they go through middle school, high school, and into young adult life, we want to involve them more and respect that their ideas may not always be the same as ours. But to really be thinking about ethics — thinking about how they want to live their life, what kind of person they want to be in the world. That’s what we want to keep talking about.”
  • “Start with curiosity.”
     — Christopher Pepper
    “I was surprised to see that on your screen. What’s up? Can you tell me about what you’re watching? Just sort of an open-ended question like that. Start with curiosity.”
  • “Safety is the main goal.”
     — Christopher Pepper
    “You can say, ‘I’d prefer if you don’t drink at all. But if you are, definitely don’t drive and don’t get in a car with someone who’s been drinking.’ You can call me anytime. You’re not going to be in trouble. The most important thing is for you to get home safe.”
  • “You don’t have to have all the words.”
     — Dr. Robyn Silverman
    “You don’t have to have even the words. You can borrow somebody else’s words who has been thinking about this and writing about this and working through it. That can make it easier to open the conversation.”
  • “Doing nothing is sometimes emotional work.”
     — Joanna Schroeder
    “Don’t just assume that when he’s looking at his phone or zoning out with his headphones on that he’s doing nothing. Sometimes doing nothing is important emotional work anyway.”
  • “Move with your kid.”
     — Joanna Schroeder
    “If you can throw a ball back and forth, if you can be strumming guitars or building a tent or just walking, then the brain allows the adrenaline and the protective hormones and all the stress stuff to settle down. He can start opening up more.”
  • “Don’t lean on fear — you’ll lose the conversation.”
     — Christopher Pepper
    “If you come in really hot and really angry — ‘I’m taking away your computer and you’re never getting it back’ — those conversations aren’t going to happen.”
  • “Validate before you lecture.”
     — Joanna Schroeder
    “Don’t say, ‘It’s all very important and you need to get straight A’s or you’re going to fail in life.’ Instead say, ‘I totally understand.’ A lot of these things you probably won’t specifically need, but your brain is growing in all sorts of different ways.”
  • “Feelings come up.”
     — Christopher Pepper
    “Most people have emotions when they’re sexual with another person. Feelings come up. They catch feelings. And those feelings can sometimes be pretty serious.”
  • “Boys have opinions — and they may surprise you.”
     — Dr. Robyn Silverman
    “Boys have opinions on this and they may not be what you expect. It’s really interesting to hear their personal feelings about dating, about casual sex, about multiple partners. We have to give them space to talk about it.”

Resources:

Joanna Schroeder and Christopher Pepper↓

Dr. Robyn Silverman ↓

Turn Small Talks into Big Lessons- FAST.

Fun prompts, zero prep, real growth. From courage and kindness to mindset and resilience, each card sparks skills that matter. And the best part? Kids love them. Build character, strengthen connection, and make every moment count—one question at a time.

What Are These Cards?

KIDVERSATION CARDS These aren’t ordinary cards. Created by Child Development Specialist and “Conversation Doc” Dr. Robyn Silverman, Kidversation Cards make meaningful conversation simple. Each one taps into the 6 Cs—Confidence, Competence, Contribution, Caring, Character, and Connection—a proven framework for helping kids thrive. Fun for kids and easy for parents, they spark quick talks that build lasting skills and memories.

Related Posts: