How to Talk about Raising a Self-Driven Child with William Stixrud, Ph.D and Ned Johnson
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Mini Synopsis:
In this empowering episode of How to Talk to Kids About Anything, Dr. Robyn welcomes back Dr. William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, authors of The Self-Driven Child, to explore their companion resource, The Self-Driven Child Workbook. Together, they discuss how parents can foster autonomy, resilience, and motivation in their children—especially during challenging moments when kids seem unmotivated or disengaged.
INTRODUCTION:
On this show, we learn about the science and value of having key conversations with kids while sharpening our own skills as parents and educators and showing up as trusted resources for developing kids. One of your favorite podcast episodes was starring 2 fabulous superstars—William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, who write The Self-Driven Child—which was so good and helpful in allowing us to understand what works best to raise kids who are motivated and self-driven in their lives. But sometimes we need more. Sometimes, we need our favorite authors to provide space for us to think through how these principles apply to our unique lives. What am I doing—or not doing—that is sabotaging progress? What CAN I do to help support the positive development of my child? Well, we are diving deep into that as we discuss The Seven Principles for Raising a Self-Driven Child by friends of the show, William Stixrud and Ned Johnson.
Bio:
Dr. William Stixrud is a clinical neuropsychologist with almost 40 years of working with kids, teens and their families. He is a faculty member at Children’s National Medical Center and an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry and Pediatrics at the George Washington University School of Medicine. In his spare time, Bill plays and sings in the Silver Spring, Maryland based rock band Close Enough.
Dr. Stixrud’s co-author and long-time collaborator, Ned Johnson is president and founder of PrepMatters, a nationally renowned education company that helps students succeed in high school and get into college. He describes himself as a professional “tutor-geek” who since 1993 has spent more than 50,000 one-on-one hours helping students. Ned loves how kids think and is forever curious about what motivates them, what worries them, and what matters to them.
Reframing Parenting Power – Dr. William Stixrud: When I say to kids, ‘You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do… I just want you to make informed decisions,’ they look at me like, ‘Huh?’ And I say, ‘What I mean is that ultimately, you’re in charge of your life. And my job is to help you learn to run it well.
Let Kids Drive Their Own Development – Ned Johnson: One of the big reasons we wrote the workbook is to help parents step back from this overwhelming instinct to control everything—and instead become consultants, not managers.
Connecting Is Always Foundational – Dr. Robyn: We want to raise self-driven kids but connection is foundational to everything. We can’t expect our children to thrive if they don’t feel safe with us—safe to fail, safe to try, safe to talk. I think people forget that children are much more likely to listen and take advice when they feel that we are really on their side and not trying to control them.
Motivation Isn’t the Parent’s Job – Dr. William Stixrud: “I tell parents all the time, ‘Stop motivating your kid.’ It just doesn’t work long term. The goal isn’t to push them. It’s to help them find their own reasons to act.”
Stop Over-functioning – Dr. William Stixrud “Over-functioning means taking too much responsibility for our kid’s life. When we do that, we’re communicating—maybe without meaning to—that we don’t think they can handle things themselves.”
The Power of Autonomy – Ned Johnson: We know from the science of motivation that a sense of control is a huge driver. If we can give our kids more autonomy, we actually reduce their stress and increase their internal motivation. If we’re always rewarding short-term pleasure—more screen time, more stuff—we’re actually missing out on helping kids learn what contributes to long-term happiness like purpose, autonomy, and connection.
Self-Driven Doesn’t Mean Alone – Dr. Robyn: Helping our children become more self-driven doesn’t mean leaving them without guidance. It means giving them a say, collaborating, and allowing them to build their own voice.
Connection and Expectation Must Coexist – Ned Johnson: You can say to your child, ‘I love you deeply, and I expect you to try your best.’ Both things can be true at once. It’s not soft to expect greatness if it’s wrapped in love.
Happiness vs. Pleasure – Dr. William Stixrud: One thing we want kids to understand is the difference between pleasure and happiness. Buying something gives you a rush, sure—but it fades. Long-term happiness comes from doing meaningful things
Acknowledging Hard Truths About Screens – Dr. Robyn: This is the reality we live in—screens are everywhere. And yet, we still want to raise kids who know how to be present in their lives, not buried in pixels.
Step Back When You’re Working Harder Than They Are – Dr. William Stixrud: If it feels like you’re doing more work than your kid to get their homework done or clean up their messes—change the energy. You can’t be more invested in their success than they are.
Ask, Don’t Tell – Ned Johnson: When kids are struggling, we often lecture. But asking thoughtful questions—like ‘What’s your plan?’ or ‘What do you want for yourself?’—helps them own their answers.
Motivation Grows with Ownership – Dr. Robyn: If we do everything for them, they have no reason to act. We’re sending the message: ‘You can’t handle this.’ And then we’re surprised when they believe it.
Start Small, Shift Gently – Ned Johnson: If a parent realizes they’ve been over-functioning, they don’t have to throw in the towel overnight. They can have a loving conversation like, ‘Hey, I’ve been stepping in too much. Let’s work on this together.’
Let Natural Consequences Teach – Dr. William Stixrud: When we shield kids from failure or discomfort, we steal their opportunity to grow. It’s okay to let them feel the weight of their own choices.
Teens Crave Control, Too – Ned Johnson: Teenagers are wired to push back against control—it’s developmentally appropriate. So giving them a voice is one way we actually invite more cooperation.
No One Is Motivated All the Time – Dr. Robyn: There’s this myth that motivated kids are always fired up. But motivation is like a tide—it comes and goes. The key is teaching them how to act even when it’s low.
Be the Consultant, Not the Boss – Dr. William Stixrud: I often say to parents: You’re not the boss, you’re the consultant. You offer guidance, yes—but you don’t do the work for them.
Conversations Change Everything – Ned Johnson: One shift in conversation can change a child’s outlook. Try this: ‘I trust you to figure this out. And I’m here if you want help.’ That’s powerful.
Modeling is the Message – Dr. Robyn: If we want self-driven kids, we have to model self-control, reflection, and purpose. We don’t teach these things by lecture—we teach them by living them.
The Goal is a Capable, Confident Adult – Dr. William Stixrud: The endgame isn’t just college or grades—it’s raising a person who knows how to handle their life with confidence and care.
Notable Quotables:
“You can’t force a kid to be motivated. But you can create conditions where motivation can thrive.” – Dr. William Stixrud
“Our goal is to build resilience by giving kids control, not by controlling every move they make.” – Ned Johnson
“Connection is the root of cooperation.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“Telling a child, ‘You’re in charge of your life, and I’m here to help you learn to run it well’ is a game-changer.” – Dr. William Stixrud
“If we want them to think for themselves, we have to let them practice.” – Ned Johnson
“Screens can consume our kids’ time, but we can help them learn how to manage their focus.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“You can’t control your child—but you can control the kind of parent you want to be.” – Dr. William Stixrud
“Pleasure is short-lived. Meaningful effort builds lasting happiness.” – Ned Johnson
“Motivation isn’t a constant—it’s a spark we help them find, not something we force them to carry.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“Don’t do for a child what they can do for themselves.” – Dr. William Stixrud
“A parent’s energy sets the tone. If we’re panicked, they feel it.” – Ned Johnson
“It’s not about doing less, it’s about doing wisely.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“Failure isn’t fatal. It’s feedback.” – Dr. William Stixrud
“Ask instead of tell. Invite instead of push.” – Ned Johnson
“Self-driven doesn’t mean solo. Kids still need support—they just need it in the right way.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“The more control we give, the more responsibility they take.” – Dr. William Stixrud
“Real change starts with one good conversation.” – Ned Johnson
Resources:
Ned and Dr. William ↓
Book: The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives Hardcover – February 13, 2018
Reframing Parenting Power – Dr. William Stixrud: When I say to kids, ‘You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do… I just want you to make informed decisions,’ they look at me like, ‘Huh?’ And I say, ‘What I mean is that ultimately, you’re in charge of your life. And my job is to help you learn to run it well.
“You can’t force a kid to be motivated. But you can create conditions where motivation can thrive.” – Dr. William Stixrud
