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How to Talk about Punishment-Free Parenting with Jon Fogel

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Mini Synopsis:

In this episode, Dr. Robyn Silverman speaks with Jon Fogel, parenting educator and author of Punishment-Free Parenting: The Brain-Based Way to Raise Kids Without Raising Your Voice. They explore how parents can set boundaries and discipline effectively without punishment, using connection and neuroscience-backed strategies. Jon shares powerful insights on shifting from control-based parenting to teaching self-regulation, respect, and responsibility through collaborative problem-solving and emotional intelligence.

INTRODUCTION:

All of us have had those moments when we know there has to be a better way to raise kids than yelling, threatening, bribery, and punishing our way through our children’s childhoods. In order to bridge the gap from what we do as a knee-jerk reaction or what we’ve been taught through generations of hand-me-down parenting practices that don’t really work to parenting practices that allow us to raise our kids without raising our voices or our hands, we need to recognize and name our emotional triggers and respond to our kids with a deeper awareness of what’s going on in our children’s brains as they grow, make mistakes, and learn. To help us fill this gap, we are welcoming Jon Fogel to the show.

Bio:

Jon is a husband, a father of four beautiful children, an author, and a parenting educator. His goal is to teach how to parent more effectively—with less stress and more success. In his teaching, Jon combines modern neuroscience, developmental psychology, counseling, and positive, gentle parenting wisdom, distilling the science into terms every parent can understand. His new book is entitled Punishment-Free Parenting- The brain-based way to raise kids without raising your voice

Important Messages:

  • Get Curious, Not Furious (Jon Fogel)
    “Whenever my son did something that seemed annoying or defiant, I realized I needed to stop getting mad and start getting curious. Instead of assuming bad intentions, I asked myself: What is going on here? What need is he trying to express? The moment I made that shift, parenting changed for me. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.”
  • Why Punishment “Working” is a Myth (Jon Fogel)
    “Parents often say, ‘I was punished and I turned out fine.’ But did we really? Did punishment teach us emotional regulation or just fear of authority? We need to ask: Could we have turned out even better if we had been taught skills instead of obedience?”
  • Consequences Are Not the Same as Punishment (Jon Fogel)
    “If a child comes home with an F on a test, punishment doesn’t teach them how to improve. Instead of grounding them, a better response is: ‘Let’s figure out what went wrong. Do you need help studying? Should we talk to your teacher?’ Consequences should be about learning, not fear.”
  • Why Kids Need Connection First (Dr. Robyn Silverman)
    “The strongest relationships are built when kids know they are loved no matter what. If we lead with connection—asking questions, and validating emotions—kids feel safe enough to learn and grow. Disconnection creates resistance.”
  • “Cut the But” – Teaching Kids Real Apologies (Jon Fogel)
    “A true apology doesn’t include ‘but.’ Saying ‘I’m sorry, but you made me mad’ is not an apology—it’s blame. Teach kids to say, ‘I’m sorry. I was frustrated, and I should have handled that differently.’ It builds accountability.”
  • The WHOLE Parent Method (Jon Fogel)
    Jon introduces H.O.L.E, a five-step framework for parenting without punishment:
    – Wiring – Understanding a child’s brain development
    – Honor the Experience – Acknowledge their emotions
    – Outline the Boundary – Set clear expectations
    – Lead Them Out – Guide them through emotional regulation
    – Empower for the Future – Equip them with strategies to handle challenges independently
  • Why “Time-Outs” Don’t Teach Self-Regulation (Jon Fogel)
    “Sitting a child in a corner doesn’t magically teach them emotional control. What they learn is: ‘When I’m upset, I get isolated.’ Instead, a ‘time-in’—where a parent helps the child process their emotions—teaches them how to calm down in a healthy way.”
  • Setting Boundaries Without Fear (Jon Fogel)
    “Boundaries are essential, but threats aren’t. Instead of ‘If you don’t do this, you’re in trouble,’ say, ‘I need you to finish your homework before screens.’ Clarity and consistency work better than punishment.”
  • Helping Kids Regulate Big Feelings (Dr. Robyn Silverman)
    “Kids aren’t born knowing how to manage frustration or disappointment. We have to teach them. Saying, ‘I see you’re really upset—let’s talk about it’ gives them the tools they need.”
  • The Science of Emotional Regulation (Jon Fogel)
    “When a child is dysregulated, their amygdala takes over—it’s a survival response. You can’t reason with a child in fight-or-flight mode. First, help them calm down, then talk about solutions.”
  • Parenting is About Teaching, Not Controlling (Jon Fogel)
    “Discipline means ‘to teach,’ not ‘to punish.’ If we focus on skill-building instead of compliance, we raise confident, self-sufficient kids who do the right thing because it’s right—not because they fear consequences.”
  • Why “Toughening Kids Up” is a Myth (Jon Fogel)
    “There’s a common belief that being strict and making kids ‘tough’ prepares them for the real world. But in reality, emotional suppression doesn’t make kids strong—it makes them disconnected. If a child is taught to ‘just get over it’ when they’re upset, they never learn how to manage those emotions in a healthy way. True strength isn’t pretending emotions don’t exist; it’s learning to process them and respond with self-control. The weakest people are those who lash out when overwhelmed. The strongest are the ones who recognize their emotions, sit with them, and handle challenges without exploding or shutting down. That’s the skill we should be teaching.”
  • Teaching Kids How to Apologize (Jon Fogel)
    “Many kids (and adults) struggle with apologizing because they’ve learned to make excuses rather than take responsibility. A real apology isn’t ‘I’m sorry, but you made me do it.’ That just shifts the blame. Instead, we need to model how to apologize the right way: ‘I was wrong. I’m sorry. I’ll do better next time.’ This kind of apology teaches self-awareness and accountability without shame. The key is to separate who they are from what they did—a mistake doesn’t define them, but how they handle it does. Teaching kids this skill early helps them build strong relationships and take responsibility for their actions.”
  • Punishment Creates Sneaky Kids, Not Better Behavior (Dr. Robyn Silverman)
    “Many parents believe punishment will stop bad behavior, but what it often does is teach kids to avoid getting caught rather than make better choices. When kids fear getting yelled at or punished, they don’t stop misbehaving—they just learn to hide it. Instead of fostering honesty, it creates secrecy. A child who fears punishment may lie about breaking something instead of admitting it. They may sneak around to do what they want rather than come to you for guidance. What really changes behavior is open communication—teaching kids that mistakes are learning opportunities, not reasons for shame. When we remove fear and focus on problem-solving, kids are more likely to be truthful and take responsibility.”
  • Empowering Kids Through Choices (Jon Fogel)
    “Power struggles happen when kids feel they have no control. Instead of demanding compliance, offering structured choices gives them a sense of ownership while still keeping boundaries intact. For example, instead of saying, ‘Eat your vegetables,’ ask, ‘Would you like broccoli or carrots?’ Instead of ‘Get ready for bed now,’ try ‘Do you want to brush your teeth first or put on your pajamas first?’ These small shifts reduce defiance because the child feels involved in the decision. The reality is, that kids need to feel some autonomy to cooperate fully. The more we empower them within safe boundaries, the more willing they are to work with us rather than against us.”
  • Parenting for the Long-Term (Jon Fogel)
    “It’s easy to focus on short-term obedience—getting kids to listen now, behave now, comply now. But that mindset misses the bigger picture. Instead of asking, ‘How can I get my child to obey me?’ ask, ‘What kind of adult do I want to raise?’ Do you want a child who listens out of fear but struggles with decision-making later in life? Or do you want a child who understands problem-solving, emotional intelligence, and respect? Parenting isn’t about controlling behavior in the moment—it’s about equipping kids with the skills they’ll need for the rest of their lives. That means focusing less on punishment and more on teaching, guiding, and modeling the behaviors we want to see.”

Notable Quotables:

  • “Get curious, not furious. When your child makes a mistake, your reaction determines whether they learn from it or fear you instead. Every moment is an opportunity to teach—or to shut down growth.” – Jon Fogel
  • “Punishment may stop a behavior temporarily, but it doesn’t teach better choices. If we want kids to learn self-control, we have to model it first.” – Jon Fogel
  • “Connection before correction. A child who feels safe, seen, and supported is far more likely to listen and learn than one who feels scared or ashamed.” – Robyn Silverman
  • “A real apology takes responsibility. ‘I’m sorry, but…’ is just an excuse. True accountability is saying, ‘I was wrong. I’ll do better.’ And that’s what builds trust.” – Jon Fogel
  • “You can’t teach a dysregulated child to regulate. First, help them calm down—then guide them toward better choices. Without connection, correction won’t stick.” – Jon Fogel
  • “Respect is a two-way street. We can’t demand it from kids while treating them with disrespect. If we want them to learn it, we have to show it first.” – Robyn Silverman
  • “Kids don’t misbehave because they’re bad—they misbehave because they’re struggling. Instead of punishing the behavior, help them develop the skills they’re missing.” – Jon Fogel
  • “The goal isn’t to raise obedient kids—it’s to raise thoughtful, responsible adults. That means teaching problem-solving, not just demanding compliance.” – Jon Fogel
  • “Fear-based parenting might control kids now, but connection-based parenting builds trust for a lifetime. The strongest relationships aren’t built on fear—they’re built on understanding.” – Jon Fogel
  • “Every interaction with your child is shaping the person they become. Choose teaching over shaming, guidance over punishment, and connection over control.” – Robyn Silverman
  • “The strongest people aren’t the ones who suppress their emotions—they’re the ones who recognize them, process them, and handle them with self-control.” – Jon Fogel
  • “The way you handle your child’s mistakes now will determine how they handle mistakes in adulthood. Teach them that failure is part of learning, not something to be ashamed of.” – Jon Fogel
  • “Punishment doesn’t build character—it builds secrecy. If you want honesty, create a safe space where kids can come to you without fear of being shamed.” – Robyn Silverman
  • “When a child pushes back, it’s not always defiance—it’s often a need for autonomy. Give them choices within boundaries, and they’ll learn cooperation instead of resistance.” – Jon Fogel
  • “Parents often want immediate compliance, but real growth takes time. Teaching patience, emotional intelligence, and problem-solving is a long game—but it’s worth it.” – Jon Fogel
  • “Kids don’t need perfect parents—they need present ones. Show up, listen, guide them, and let them know you’re in this together.” – Robyn Silverman

Resources:

Jon Fogel↓

Dr. Robyn Silverman ↓

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