How to Talk about Pressure to Succeed and the Feelings that Go with It with Dr. Jessi Gold

This episode dives into the pressure that young people, especially students and professionals in high-pressure environments, face when striving for success. Dr. Robyn and Dr. Jessi Gold discuss how to navigate these emotions, the importance of acknowledging feelings, and the role of mental health in achievement.

INTRODUCTION:

Is it really okay to ask for help? If you are focused on succeeding—showing you have grit, potential, what it takes to be the best, is it weak to ask for help when you’re struggling? How about if you are a person who is supposed to take care of others—young people who are dreaming of becoming a doctor—can you admit that you aren’t feeling whole and happy when you want people to think you have it all together? AS IT TURNS OUT, it can be awfully hard to slow down in a fast-paced world where everything feels like a race to the top.

Bio:

Dr. Jessi Gold holds the esteemed position of the first Chief Wellness Officer for the University of Tennessee System, a role encompassing 5 campuses across the state of Tennessee and 59,000 students. She also serves as an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Tennessee Health Science Center. Internationally recognized, Dr. Gold is in high demand as a speaker, media advocate, author, and mental health consultant with a special focus on college students, healthcare workers, and the entertainment industry. Her new book is called “How Do You Feel?” where she searches for the humanity in medicine—as well as in herself. While I read it, I saw a need to dig in for insight on how we talk to our children about achievement, getting help, and dealing with our feelings in a hyper competitive world that asks us to shove them down into our right foot and put a neutral expression on our face even when we are struggling.

Important Messages:

  • Pressure on College Students: I see a lot of college students who feel like if they don’t get that perfect grade, they aren’t worthy. They tie their value to their success, which can cause extreme stress and even lead to burnout. The constant need to be the best can make them feel like they’re on a treadmill they can’t stop, always running toward the next achievement without ever feeling satisfied.
  • Fear of Disappointing Parents: I often see kids who feel terrified of disappointing their parents. They don’t want to let them down because they’ve been conditioned to believe that success is the only option. And it’s not just the pressure of failure but the fear of even appearing weak or vulnerable in front of their parents that holds them back.
  • Misconception of Mental Health (Additional from Dr. Robyn): There’s still a misconception about mental health—that if you need help, there must be something wrong with you. But seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. We need to change the narrative that getting mental health support makes someone less capable.
  • Students’ Expectations vs. Reality: Students come to college thinking it’s supposed to be the best time of their lives. They imagine all the parties and new friends, but then reality hits. They don’t realize how much stress comes with balancing academics, social life, and often being away from home for the first time.
  • Coping with Failure (additional from Dr. Robyn): “We’re not teaching kids how to fail. Instead, we’re teaching them to avoid failure at all costs. But failure is part of life, and knowing how to cope with it is crucial for resilience. If we let kids believe that failure defines them, we’re setting them up for unnecessary suffering.”
  • Anxiety and Academic Pressure: I see students paralyzed by anxiety because of the pressure they place on themselves. It’s not just about doing well but about outperforming others and constantly proving they’re worthy. The anxiety becomes overwhelming because it’s not just about grades, it’s about their entire sense of self-worth.
  • The Importance of Boundaries (additional from Dr. Robyn): “Setting boundaries with your work and your expectations is vital. Kids need to understand that they don’t have to be everything to everyone. Learning to say no and taking breaks is essential for long-term success and mental well-being.
  • Social Media’s Impact: Social media exacerbates the pressure to succeed because kids are constantly comparing themselves to others. They see their peers’ highlights but don’t see the struggles behind the scenes. This comparison culture leads to feeling like they’re always falling short.”
  • The Stigma Around Therapy (Additional from Dr. Robyn) There’s still this stigma around going to therapy. Kids are afraid to admit they need help because they don’t want to be seen as weak or different. But we need to normalize therapy as part of health, just like going to the doctor for physical checkups.
  • Parent Expectations and Communication: Parents often have these unspoken expectations that their kids pick up on. Even if the parent doesn’t say ‘You have to get an A,’ the child might still feel that’s the expectation. Communication is key—parents need to clarify their support and remove the fear of disappointing them.
  • Learning to Navigate Pressure: Teaching kids how to manage pressure is one of the most important things we can do. Pressure isn’t going away, so kids need the tools to navigate it effectively without letting it consume them. That includes teaching them relaxation techniques and how to ask for help when needed.
  • College Isn’t the Only Path: We need to stop acting like college is the only path to success. There are many ways to succeed in life, and not everyone needs a college degree to find their passion or make an impact. When we push that narrative, we’re setting some kids up for a sense of failure when that path doesn’t work for them.”
  • Validation Beyond Success (Additional from Dr. Robyn): Kids need to know that their worth isn’t tied to their success. They are valuable just for being who they are, and that validation has to come from within, not from external achievements or praise. We should help them build that internal sense of worth.
  • Managing Time and Expectations: A lot of stress comes from poor time management and unrealistic expectations. Students feel like they need to do everything perfectly and on time, and it just leads to burnout. Teaching them how to prioritize and manage their workload can go a long way in reducing anxiety.
  • Creating Safe Spaces for Emotions: Creating a space where kids feel safe to express their emotions is crucial. They need to know that it’s okay to be upset, stressed, or anxious, and that they won’t be judged for it. This is how we begin to help them process their feelings rather than bottling them up.

Notable Quotables:

  • Dr. Jessi Gold: “We’re creating a generation of kids who feel like they have to be perfect all the time, and it’s damaging their mental health.”
  • Dr. Robyn: “Failure is not the enemy—it’s an opportunity for growth. Kids need to learn that it’s okay to fail, and it doesn’t define them.”
  • Dr. Jessi Gold: “There’s this fear among students that if they don’t succeed academically, they won’t succeed in life. And that’s just not true.”
  • Dr. Robyn: “The pressure to succeed can feel like a weight that’s impossible to carry, but we need to teach kids how to manage that weight, not avoid it.”
  • Dr. Jessi Gold: “Mental health support should be normalized. It’s not a sign of weakness to need help—it’s a sign of being human.”
  • Dr. Jessi Gold: “Anxiety is paralyzing for many students because they equate their self-worth with their academic success. That’s a dangerous connection.”
  • Dr. Robyn: “We need to start teaching kids that their value comes from who they are, not what they achieve.”
  • Dr. Jessi Gold: “Parents don’t always realize how much pressure their kids feel to succeed. Even without saying it directly, the expectations can be overwhelming.”
  • Dr. Robyn: “Social media paints a false picture of success. Kids need to know that what they see online isn’t the whole story.”
  • Dr. Jessi Gold: “College isn’t the only path to success, but we act like it’s the only option. That narrative needs to change.”

Resources:

For Dr. Jessi Gold:

For Dr. Robyn Silverman: