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How to Talk about Parenting Yourself First with Bryana Kappadakunnel, LMFT
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Mini Synopsis:
In this episode, Dr. Robyn Silverman speaks with Bryana Kappadakunnel about the transformative power of parenting yourself first. They discuss how childhood experiences shape parenting behaviors, how to set and hold boundaries, ways to foster connection with children as they grow, and how parents can break negative generational patterns.
INTRODUCTION:
Many of us didn’t have a perfect model of parents and may not have been parented in a way that sets them up to be grounded, present, intentional, compassionate, and confident parents themselves. How do we unlearn bad habits and learn new habits when we don’t have the model for good parenting in the first place. It turns out, we have to learn to parent ourselves first. For this, we are going to turn to Bryana Kappadakunnel.
Bio:
Bryana Kappadakunnel, LMFT, is a seasoned Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Infant/Early Childhood Mental Health Specialist, and Perinatal Mental Health Specialist, Bryana has dedicated her career to helping families thrive. With an MA in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University, she has guided numerous families toward healing and growth. As CEO/Founder of Conscious Mommy & Child Parent Connection, Bryana provides expert support, community-driven solutions, and a safe space for connection. Her upcoming book, “Parent Yourself First” (January 2025), offers a transformative guide for parents.
Important Messages:
Understanding the Importance of Parenting Yourself First (Bryana Kappadakunnel)
Parenting yourself first is essential because we can’t raise emotionally healthy children if we are not emotionally healthy ourselves. Many of us were raised with parenting approaches that emphasized compliance over connection, which means we were not always taught how to regulate emotions or set boundaries in a healthy way. By becoming more aware of our own triggers, childhood wounds, and emotional patterns, we can shift from reactive parenting to intentional parenting. When we heal and understand ourselves better, we model healthier behaviors for our children. This is how we break negative cycles and foster emotional security in our kids.- Recognizing How Your Past Shapes Your Parenting (Bryana Kappadakunnel)
The first step in parenting yourself first is to reflect on how your childhood experiences influenced your parenting approach. If you grew up in a household where emotions were dismissed or punished, you might struggle with validating your child’s feelings. If your parents were highly critical, you may find yourself overcorrecting or overpraising. Taking time to understand where your reactions stem from allows you to break generational patterns and create a more secure environment for your child. Self-reflection is one of the most powerful tools in conscious parenting. - Emotional Triggers and Parenting Reactions (Bryana Kappadakunnel)
If your child is refusing to clean their room or get off their device, ask yourself—why is this making me so upset? Often, these reactions are tied to our own unresolved childhood experiences. Maybe you were punished harshly for being messy, or maybe you were raised in an environment where control was mistaken for discipline. When you recognize your own triggers, you can start responding to your child’s behavior with more empathy and clarity instead of frustration. Parenting from a place of self-awareness rather than reactivity leads to stronger relationships. - Setting Boundaries in Parenting (Bryana Kappadakunnel)
Boundaries with children look different than boundaries with adults. With another adult, you can say, “I don’t like how you’re speaking to me, so I’m going to step away.” With a child, boundaries need to be taught, reinforced, and supported with structure. Instead of simply saying “Stop that,” you can guide them by offering choices: “You can jump on the trampoline, or you can sit and relax, but I can’t let you jump on the couch.” Boundaries should always be clear, firm, and connected to respect and understanding. - How to Set and Hold Boundaries with Children (Bryana Kappadakunnel)
Bryana outlines three key steps for setting and maintaining effective boundaries with children:
- Clarity – Make sure the boundary is clearly stated in a way your child understands. Example: “You can watch one episode, then it’s time for bed.”
- Consistency – Stick to the boundary every time. If you allow extra time one night, it sends mixed messages.
- Compassion – Acknowledge that it’s hard for kids to stop doing something they enjoy, and offer empathy. Example: “I know it’s hard to turn off the TV when you’re having fun. I get it. But it’s bedtime, and we’ll watch more tomorrow.”
- Setting Boundaries with Family Members (Bryana Kappadakunnel)
Setting boundaries with extended family members, especially those who may not respect your parenting choices, requires direct but compassionate communication. If a grandparent or in-law frequently criticizes your parenting, you can address it by saying:
- Acknowledge their intention – “I know you want what’s best for my child, and I appreciate that.”
- Set the boundary – “However, I’d like to raise my child with positive discipline rather than punishments, so I won’t be using those methods.”
- Hold firm but remain kind – “I’d love your support in reinforcing our family’s approach to discipline.”
- How to Approach a Child Who Refuses to Do Homework (Bryana Kappadakunnel)
Instead of jumping into a power struggle, start by assessing the child’s needs. Are they overtired? Overwhelmed? Feeling disconnected? Bryana recommends using a when-then strategy:
- “When you finish your homework, then you can play video games.”
- Break tasks into smaller steps to make them more manageable.
- Offer structured choices to help them feel a sense of control over their routine.
- Validate their frustration while maintaining expectations: “I know you’d rather be doing something else, but let’s get this done together.”
- Using Brain Breaks to Improve Focus ( Robyn Silverman)
Kids, just like adults, need breaks to reset their focus. Long periods of work or study without breaks can lead to frustration and resistance. One effective strategy is the brain break method, where children work for a focused period and then take a short break to reset. Example: “Let’s set a 20-minute timer for work, and then you can take a five-minute movement break.” These short resets make difficult tasks feel less overwhelming and increase productivity. - Structuring Homework Boundaries (Bryana Kappadakunnel)
When a child struggles to complete their homework but has time for friends or video games, the first step is to examine their full afternoon schedule. School is mentally demanding, and children need unstructured downtime before transitioning into additional responsibilities. If a child’s schedule is overly structured, it can negatively impact their ability to focus on homework. Adjusting the environment by ensuring they have adequate rest and decompression time can make a big difference.
- Assess the environment first – Are they getting enough downtime after school? Overloading them with structured activities can create resistance.
- Set clear expectations – Use a when-then approach: “When you finish your homework, then you can play with your friends or use your video games.”
- Minimize parental pressure – Constant supervision and checking over their work can add unnecessary stress. Trust them to take ownership of their responsibilities.
- Identify underlying struggles – If homework consistently leads to meltdowns or extreme frustration, it may be worth exploring potential learning difficulties, ADHD, or the need for accommodations.
- Setting Boundaries with Extended Family (Bryana Kappadakunnel)
When family members, such as a mother-in-law, criticize parenting choices, it can create unnecessary stress. Cultural sensitivity is important, as some families see correcting an elder as inappropriate. However, boundaries can still be set with kindness and clarity. Using the SET technique can help:
- Say what you need clearly – “Mom, I appreciate your care and guidance, but I need to parent in my own way.”
- Express compassion – “I know your intentions come from love, and I value that.”
- Treat with respect – “If I ever need advice, I’ll be sure to ask you, but for now, I’d appreciate it if you could support my approach.”
Tone matters when setting boundaries. Approaching these conversations with kindness can prevent tension while still reinforcing parental authority.
- Aligning with Your Partner on Household Responsibilities (Bryana Kappadakunnel)
If a parent feels overwhelmed because their spouse and children aren’t helping around the house, it’s essential to address the root of the issue rather than just enforcing a boundary. This is a systemic issue that requires a shift in responsibility dynamics.
- Reflect on personal patterns – Are you unintentionally taking on everything and then feeling resentful? Do you struggle to ask for help? Recognizing past conditioning (such as the expectation for women to “do it all”) is an important step.
- Initiate a household conversation – Sit down with your spouse and children and outline all the daily and weekly tasks that need to be completed.
- Delegate responsibilities fairly – Assign age-appropriate tasks to children and request equal participation from your partner.
- Communicate expectations clearly – “I don’t want to be the manager of everything. I need us all to contribute so that our family runs smoothly.”
- Discuss the consequences of imbalance – “If I don’t receive help, I won’t have the energy to show up as my best self for the family.”
- Model co-parenting for children – When kids see both parents sharing household tasks, they learn that caregiving and responsibilities should be shared rather than falling solely on one person.
- Facilitating Connection with Growing Children (Bryana Kappadakunnel)
As children grow more independent, parents may feel a sense of emotional distance. Some try to control their children’s lives or live vicariously through them, while others feel lonely and unsure of how to connect. Instead of forcing a connection, parents can focus on three essential practices:
- Acceptance – Understand and appreciate that independence is a natural and healthy part of development.
- Curiosity – Show interest in their world, even if it’s something you don’t personally enjoy. Ask engaging questions about their interests rather than imposing your own.
- Observation and engagement – Notice what excites them and lean into their world without judgment. Example: If your child is passionate about cars, engage with their interest by asking what they love about specific models.
True connection comes from honoring who they are, not who we want them to be. When parents remain present and emotionally available, children will naturally turn to them when they need guidance.
- Teaching Kids to Recognize Bids for Connection (Bryana Kappadakunnel)
Relationship expert John Gottman describes bids for connection as small moments when someone reaches out for attention, support, or acknowledgment. Couples who acknowledge these bids tend to have stronger relationships, and the same principle applies to parenting.
- Recognize small bids – If a child says, “Look at this drawing I made!” or “Did you hear that funny joke?” they are seeking connection. Responding with interest strengthens the bond.
- Match their enthusiasm – Even if the topic doesn’t excite you, responding with curiosity (“Tell me more!”) validates their experience.
- Avoid dismissive responses – Ignoring or brushing off bids for connection can make a child feel unseen and unimportant.
- Create intentional moments – Spend time with your child doing activities they love, even if it’s just watching their favorite show together or engaging in their hobbies.
These small, everyday interactions create a foundation of trust and emotional security that carries into adolescence and adulthood.
- The Power of Self-Reflection in Parenting (Bryana Kappadakunnel)
One of the most valuable parenting skills is the ability to self-reflect. Research shows that self-reflective parents are more likely to raise securely attached children. The ability to examine your own experiences, emotions, and reactions makes it easier to understand and support your child.
- Recognize patterns from your past – How did your parents respond to emotions, discipline, or mistakes? Are you unconsciously repeating or rejecting their approach?
- Pause before reacting – When triggered, ask yourself, “Is my response about my child’s behavior, or is it about something from my past?”
- Repair when needed – No parent gets it right all the time. If you react out of frustration, go back and repair: “I was feeling overwhelmed earlier, and I raised my voice. That’s not your fault. I’m working on managing my emotions better.”
- Seek support – Therapy, parenting groups, or journaling can help deepen self-awareness. Parenting is a journey of learning and growing alongside your child.The most powerful thing a parent can do is model self-awareness. When children see their parents reflecting, apologizing, and improving, they learn that growth is a lifelong process.
Notable Quotables:
“You can’t have healthy children without healthy parents. Parenting yourself first is not selfish—it’s necessary.” – Bryana Kappadakunnel
- “Every trigger is an invitation for self-awareness. When we understand our reactions, we can choose to respond instead of just repeating the past.” – Bryana Kappadakunnel
- “Boundaries aren’t about control—they are about safety, structure, and teaching our kids how to navigate the world.“ – Dr. Robyn Silverman
- “When we yell at our kids, we are showing them how to handle frustration, not teaching them to regulate. We have to model the self-control we want them to have.” – Bryana Kappadakunnel
- “The moment you say, ‘My kid is making me crazy,’ pause and ask yourself—what is this really bringing up for me? Are they the problem, or is something from my own childhood being activated?” – Bryana Kappadakunnel
- “Parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about being present, being aware, and being willing to grow alongside your child.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
- “If we want our kids to communicate openly with us, we need to create an environment where they feel heard—because a child who feels heard is a child who listens.” – Bryana Kappadakunnel
- “The way we parent today influences not just our children, but future generations. Every choice we make has a ripple effect.” – Bryana Kappadakunnel
- “Our kids learn more from watching how we handle stress than they do from any lecture we give them.” – Bryana Kappadakunnel
- “Power struggles aren’t about winning. They’re about connection, regulation, and teaching kids how to manage their emotions effectively.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
- “A child who feels safe and emotionally supported is far more likely to cooperate than a child who feels controlled or shamed.” – Bryana Kappadakunnel
- “Boundaries are about love, not punishment. When we set them with clarity and compassion, our kids feel safe rather than restricted.” – Bryana Kappadakunnel
- “Healing from your own childhood wounds isn’t about blaming your parents—it’s about breaking patterns so your children don’t inherit them.” – Bryana Kappadakunnel
- “Modeling emotional regulation is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children. They learn self-control by watching us, not by being lectured about it.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
- “Your worth as a parent isn’t measured by perfection. It’s measured by your willingness to keep learning and growing alongside your child.” – Bryana Kappadakunnel
- “When we change the environment, children will almost certainly adapt in response. Instead of demanding they change first, we should adjust what’s around them to better support their growth.” – Bryana Kappadakunnel
- “Boundaries with family don’t have to be harsh, but they do have to be clear. You can be kind and still hold firm: ‘I love you, but I need to parent in my own way.’” – Bryana Kappadakunnel
- “Kids thrive when they feel seen, heard, and valued. Real connection isn’t about control—it’s about curiosity, respect, and truly understanding who they are.” – Bryana Kappadakunnel
- “Parents often take on everything, then feel resentful when no one helps. But asking for support isn’t weakness—it’s modeling teamwork, balance, and self-respect for your children.” – Bryana Kappadakunnel
- “If we want our children to develop self-awareness, we have to model it first. When we reflect on our past and recognize how it shapes us, we break generational cycles and parent with intention.” – Bryana Kappadakunnel
Resources:
Bryana Kappadakunnel ↓
- Book: “Parent Yourself First” – January 28, 2025
Order the book here: https://www.consciousmommy.com/book#Or you may check on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Bryana Kappadakunnel/e/B0D54XTL23/ref=zg_bsnr_g_11119_d_sccl_14_bl/000-0000000-0000000
- Website: https://www.consciousmommy.com/
- Social Media:
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/bryanamft
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2hsBmVOcUMPAGvGsIPXpgA
- Instagram https://www.instagram.com/consciousmommy/?hl=en
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/consciousmommyco/
- TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@consciousmommy?lang=en
- Thread: https://www.threads.net/@consciousmommy
Dr. Robyn Silverman ↓
- Podcast: How to Talk to Kids about Anything
- Website: www.drrobynsilverman.com
- Social Media:
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- Instagram: www.instagram.com/drrobynsilverman/
- Facebook: www.facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman/
- YouTube: www.youtube.com/c/DrRobynSilverman
- Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/drrobyn.bsky.social
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