How to Raise Securely Attached Kids with Eli Harwood
In this episode, Dr. Robyn sits down with Eli Hardwood to explore how to raise securely attached children. They dive into parenting strategies that address past traumas, foster healing, and build strong connections
INTRODUCTION:
We all want to raise kids who are confident, capable, and caring, don’t we? But in the day-to-day, sometimes, we find ourselves wondering what the heck we are doing and if we are just messing up left right, and sideways. We’ve all heard that when children feel seen, heard, and understood, they thrive—but how do we actually put that into practice—especially when our children might be having a meltdown, lying, over-using screens, refusing to brush their teeth, arguing with their sibling—or just not listening? We need to learn how to choose connection over control and thank goodness we have Eli Harwood, The Attachment Nerd, on our Show today to help us figure out how to do this!
Bio:
Eli Harwood is a licensed therapist, author, and educator who has more than 17 years of experience helping people process relational traumas and develop secure attachment relationships with their children and partners. Eli has three children, one husband, two cats, and an extraordinary number of plants! She has a new book out called Raising Securely Attached Kids and I’m so excited to talk with her!
Important Messages:
Healing from Trauma Legacy: I was born into a family with an insecure attachment legacy. We had lots of trauma. I like to joke that my family tree is a Christmas tree. And on that Christmas tree, the ornaments are primarily mental illness, domestic violence, sexual abuse, trauma, and religious trauma. We just have a lot of stuff. But I was born into my family and I inherited a lot of that. But when I was nine years old, my mom was really struggling. She had PTSD Bipolar two disorder and not a lot of support in her life. And she was at a point where she was really seriously considering ending her life.
Importance of Secure Relationships: Human beings are relationally wired. We function and develop in connection to other people. No baby was ever born, crawled out of the uterus, and went, ‘Eh, I can do better. I’m going to go do this by myself.’ This experience of close relationships is what we call attachment, and the instinct and drive for attachment is ingrained into babies and into parents. Over time, it extends into our other close relationships with our besties and romantic partners. These attachment relationships are different; they’re where we really go to get support, identity, belonging, and soothe. In a perfect world, all of us would be born into the arms of people who have had secure relationships. And let’s pretend that happens. According to the stats, it didn’t happen for me, but it happens for some people—about 50% of people.
Embracing Imperfection: A quality of a secure relationship is a caregiver who is confident and grounded in the care they’re offering. If we’re constantly stuck in a perfectionist mindset—‘Are you okay? Did I do that wrong? Did I mess you up? Are you going to go to therapy for this? What does this mean? —that does not cultivate security. That might be responsiveness, but that’s not meeting a child’s need. Because children need to be able to sense our calmness and borrow it.
The Control Mindset: When we are thinking in a control mindset, which many of us have inherited, it’s often driven by fear. We’re scared, so we try to take control. But here’s the truth: we are not flying our child’s plane. We cannot control every aspect of their journey or their flight path. What we can do is influence the environment in which they learn to fly, but they’re going to encounter weather and turbulence we have zero control over. Our role is to guide, not control, and focus on what we can actually influence—our behavior, our responses, and our modeling.
Focus on Influence: At no point in the parenting journey are you in control of your child. But if you think you are supposed to be, that’s where we get really off course attachment-wise. Instead of focusing on the things we can control—like our behavior, our responses, our modeling—we focus on our child’s behavior, trying to control what they’re doing. This approach erodes trust and leads to disconnection. It’s crucial to shift from controlling to guiding, creating a secure attachment through influence, not control.
Embracing the Journey (Additional from Dr. Robyn): I totally went through the miscarriage—four of them, IVF, all the infertility ups and downs for four years. I’m fully aware that I don’t have control, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t trying to get control because everything felt out of control for me. Understanding that distinction—that you are not flying the plane—is so important. You can influence the plane through modeling, being responsive, and staying connected, but you cannot fly it.
Scripting as a Guide (Additional from Dr. Robyn): In your book, you do a lot of scripting, which I love. Scripting is always interesting because people ask, ‘How can you tell people what to say?’ We’re not telling people what to say. We’re offering options to see what feels good to them. It’s like a dessert menu—you don’t have to eat chocolate cake, but it’s there if you want it. It’s just about choosing what feels right for you.
Connecting, Not Controlling: I’m trying to influence you and connect with you. I’m trying to absolutely connect with you and influence you. I’m not trying to control you. It’s important to be thoughtful about what your child needs in order to succeed at a task and how you can support them in succeeding. While holding boundaries is crucial, understanding their needs and offering creative solutions can help them achieve their goals.
Managing Screen Time and Resetting Boundaries: My child started to get preoccupied with Fortnite. I realized it was addictive. We noticed that the pain-pleasure balance was off, so we worked on slowing it down and discussing the behavior. Eventually, I realized he just couldn’t handle that level of dopamine. The sense of accomplishment—it’s something like a grand win, it was pulling him in. We said, “Listen, we’re taking a long break—a month and a half—to clear your brain of Fortnite. Mm-hmm.” I’m not saying no Fortnite forever, but it’s affecting you too much right now. We need to take it out of your system because there are fun summer activities like fishing and biking to enjoy. We’re currently in the middle of this reset, and it’s going well. The restlessness has decreased, and the fighting about Fortnite is no longer an issue.
Balanced Approach: I told him that we are going to work together on that, I understand it’s tough when all your friends are talking about something and you’re not involved. So, when we start again, we’ll do it in small doses with clear expectations. If it doesn’t work well with your brain right now, it’s not your fault. It just means we need to adjust.
Managing Screen Time: The first thing I’m going to do is get the screen out of the conversation. I’m going to say, ‘Sounds like we need to have a talk. I know there are things you need me to hear. Let’s figure this out.’ For now, I’m going to take the iPad and return it to its place. Your child might react strongly, as they are experiencing a dopamine crash due to the intense pleasure these games provide. It’s crucial to allow them to express their frustration, show empathy, and give them time to reset.
Setting Boundaries: When your child is in the midst of a tantrum over losing screen time, it’s important to step away and take a moment for yourself if needed. Reassure them that you understand their pain and that you are there to support them but avoid trying to reason with them during this emotional peak. Once they have calmed down, approach the situation with compassion and explain the reasons for the boundaries you’ve set, emphasizing their overall well-being and health.
Enforcing Clear Boundaries (Additional from Dr. Robyn): By setting a clear boundary, such as a two-hour limit on screen time, you are reinforcing an agreed-upon rule. If your child does not comply and the iPad remains in their possession, it’s essential to uphold the boundary firmly. This consistency helps in maintaining trust and ensuring that expectations are met.
Adjusting Structure: You can adjust the structure in your home to address situations where your child struggles to manage their behavior, and this isn’t about controlling them. For instance, if you’ve set limits on screen time and your child continually disregards them, it may indicate they are not yet able to regulate themselves effectively. In such cases, it may be necessary to remove the Xbox console or similar distractions temporarily. This action should be accompanied by a discussion explaining that the removal is for their well-being and will be revisited in the future.
Boundaries vs. Punishment: So a boundary is, I am setting up this limit in order to help you, my child suffer less in order to help you get what you need. And so that you have the opportunities to grow in the ways I know you need to grow so you can feel confident and great about yourself and capable in the world. Whereas punishment is that belief system that if you are acting badly, I’m going to make you pay for it, because if I make you pay for it, then I’ll be dominant, and what I want will be dominant and maybe you won’t do it again. And that erodes trust. Our kids are going to get mad when we set boundaries, but man, it does feel different when someone is saying, Hey, this is what I’m going to do in order to help support you and me. And when someone is saying, this is what you get for being bad.
Healing Past Trauma: Parents often ask for scripts and tips, but the most important gift we can give our children is healing from our own trauma, pain, and insecurities. We need to address these issues so they don’t continue to affect us. For instance, if you had a painful relationship with your father and coped by ignoring the pain or trying to be excessively accommodating, you may carry that unresolved trauma into your relationship with your kids. When your children express frustration, that unresolved pain can impact your response and ability to set boundaries.
Staying Grounded (Additional from Dr. Robyn): I would just fall apart, standing in the middle of the stairway and screaming when I couldn’t cope. When things became truly overwhelming, I realized there was a problem I needed to address. To stay connected and grounded while our children were losing control, we had to avoid losing it ourselves. As my husband said, it’s important for one of us to remain grounded when the other is upset. We needed someone to keep their feet on the ground while dealing with the chaos.
Processing Trauma: If we haven’t had a way to release past trauma, like through crying, our nervous systems hold onto that pain. Tears, sweat, and movement are all ways to let it out. It’s important to do this in the presence of loving witnesses who can affirm your worth. For example, you might hear, “You did not deserve to have a dad who was checked out. Your dad missed out on an amazing kid. How sad that he was so not okay that he couldn’t enjoy the gift of you.
Loss of Meaningful Speech: One thing I want to emphasize is that the very first thing we lose when our limbic system becomes activated is meaningful speech. We don’t lose all speech, but meaningful speech. That’s why, when we’re upset with our partner, we might say things in much meaner and crustier ways than we intend. We’re trying to communicate something, but the part of our brain that handles language isn’t as active as the part that defends us from danger.
Understanding Kids’ Emotions: When our kids say things like, “I hate you,” or “You’re the worst parent ever,” that’s not truly what they’re trying to communicate. We need to be more mature, grounded, and healed to help them navigate their emotions. We should guide them to express that they’re upset about the situation, wish things were different, or feel misunderstood, rather than defending ourselves or yielding to their immature demands.
Top Four Parenting Tips from Eli Hardwood:
Tip 1: Light Up Around Your Kids – I want you to light up around your kids. Make sure they know they are wanted when they come into the room or come home from school. They should be able to see in your face, body, and voice that you are happy to be near them. Tip 2: Listen Up – Take the time to listen to what your kids have to say about their feelings, thoughts, needs, desires, and loves. Be a place where they know they can truly be understood. Tip 3: Show Up – Show up in both the tender moments when they are heartbroken, overwhelmed, or ashamed, and in the triumphant moments when they are full of joy, excitement, and pride. Be present for their first bike ride, the game they want to win, and even when they fall off their bike or don’t win. Tip 4: Lead with Repair – When you make mistakes, model how to repair the relationship. Acknowledge when you are off track, apologize sincerely, and prioritize reconnection. Demonstrate that while we’re not perfect, we can always work towards a secure attachment by figuring things out together.
Notable Quotables:
“The decision my mother made to check herself into a psychiatric hospital didn’t just save her life; it checked all of us into hope, healing, and a path forward from the insecure legacies our family had been handing down for generations.” – Eli Hardwood
“A quality of a secure relationship is a caregiver who is confident and grounded in the care they’re offering, allowing the child to sense and borrow that calmness.” – Eli Hardwood
“We are not flying our child’s plane. We cannot control every aspect of their journey or flight path. Our role is to guide, not control, and focus on what we can influence—our behavior, our responses, and our modeling.” – Eli Hardwood
“Understanding that you are not flying the plane is so important. You can influence the plane through modeling, being responsive, and staying connected, but you cannot fly it.” – Robyn Silverman
“Being thoughtful about what motivates your child and supporting them in a fun, engaging way can make all the difference.” – Eli Hardwood
“We put the game away and let the Gollum tantrum unfold. It’s essential to show empathy and understanding during these moments of intense frustration. Sometimes, we need to take a step back and let our child experience their emotions while we manage our own responses, coming back to offer support and compassion once they have calmed down.” – Eli Hardwood
“By enforcing the boundary you’ve set, such as a two-hour limit on screen time, you uphold the agreed-upon rule and reinforce trust. Consistency in maintaining these boundaries is crucial for clear expectations and effective parenting.” – Robyn Silverman
“When a child is unable to respect limits and regulation, removing a disruptive element, like an Xbox console, can be necessary. It’s crucial to explain that this is a temporary measure for their well-being and that they will have opportunities to engage with it again in the future, once they’ve developed better self-regulation skills.” – Eli Hardwood
“A boundary is, I am setting up this limit in order to help you, my child suffer less in order to help you get what you need. Whereas punishment is that belief system that if you are acting badly, I’m gonna make you pay for it, because if I make you pay for it, then I’ll be dominant, and what I want will be dominant and maybe you won’t do it again. And that erodes trust.” – Eli Hardwood
“Our desire to control things often stems from our own past traumas. Making peace with your ghosts is crucial because it allows you to address and heal those underlying issues, which in turn helps you build healthier, more secure relationships.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“The most important gift we can give our kids is healing our own trauma, pain, and insecurities. If we don’t address these issues, they will continue to affect us and, in turn, impact our relationship with our children.” – Eli Hardwood
“When unresolved trauma is activated by our children’s behavior, it becomes harder to maintain boundaries and can lead to punishment or control mode instead of effective parenting.” – Eli Hardwood
“When things got overwhelming, I realized that to stay connected and grounded while our children were losing control, one of us needed to remain calm and grounded to handle the situation effectively.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
“To process past trauma, it’s crucial to release it through crying, sweating, and movement, and to do so with loving witnesses who affirm your worth and acknowledge what you deserved but didn’t receive.” – Eli Hardwood
“You can bring that inner child into the room with you. When you get activated, have a script in your head for that part of yourself that says, ‘It’s okay. You are worthy, and you are always worthy. Your kids just can’t have another popsicle right now.” – Eli Hardwood
“When our kids say things like, ‘I hate you,’ they are not expressing their true feelings. We need to be mature and grounded to help them articulate their emotions and understand their inner world, rather than reacting defensively or submitting to their demands.” – Eli Hardwood
“Show up in both the tender and triumphant moments, and when you make mistakes, model how to repair the relationship. Demonstrate that while we’re not perfect, we can always work towards a secure attachment by prioritizing reconnection.” – Eli Hardwood
Healing from Trauma Legacy: I was born into a family with an insecure attachment legacy. We had lots of trauma. I like to joke that my family tree is a Christmas tree. And on that Christmas tree, the ornaments are primarily mental illness, domestic violence, sexual abuse, trauma, and religious trauma. We just have a lot of stuff. But I was born into my family and I inherited a lot of that. But when I was nine years old, my mom was really struggling. She had PTSD Bipolar two disorder and not a lot of support in her life. And she was at a point where she was really seriously considering ending her life.
“The decision my mother made to check herself into a psychiatric hospital didn’t just save her life; it checked all of us into hope, healing, and a path forward from the insecure legacies our family had been handing down for generations.” – Eli Hardwood
