Play Is a Child’s Primary Language — Dr. Kim Van Dusen

When adults meet someone new, they connect through conversation. When kids meet someone new, they connect through play — sometimes without exchanging a single word. This is why play-based strategies work so powerfully: they speak directly to how children’s brains are wired to communicate, connect, and learn. When parents meet kids in that language, cooperation and connection follow naturally.

The “Yet” Negates the Period — Dr. Robyn Silverman

Adding the word “yet” to a fixed-mindset statement turns a full stop into an ellipsis. “I can’t do this” ends the story. “I can’t do this yet” opens it. That single word carries enormous weight for a child who is stuck, because it tells them: it is coming. You are on your way. This moment is not the whole story.

Look for the Motivation Behind the Behavior — Dr. Kim Van Dusen

Every behavior has a reason underneath it. The ABCs of behavior give parents a framework: A is for Avoidance (the child is trying to escape a task or activity), B is for Boredom (understimulation, especially during unstructured time), and C is for Connection (they are craving closeness with a caregiver but expressing it through acting out). When parents identify the real driver, they can respond to the need rather than react to the behavior.

Play First, Then the Rest Gets Easier — Dr. Robyn Silverman

When a child’s need for connection has been met through play, their cup is full — and a full cup means a child who is more cooperative, more settled, and more willing to do the unpreferred things. Putting play first is not indulgent. It is strategic. It saves time and energy in every interaction that follows.

Shift from Problem-Based to Solution-Based Parenting — Dr. Kim Van Dusen

Solution-focused therapy asks one core question: what is going to fix this? Instead of staying stuck in the loop of “my child always acts out at bath time,” parents can ask what small change — in timing, environment, routine, or language — might shift the pattern. If something is not working, stop doing that and try something new. The solution is almost always simpler than the problem feels.

Use the Magic Wand Miracle Question — Dr. Kim Van Dusen

Ask a child: if a fairy came in the night and changed one thing, what would be different when you woke up? The answers are often startling in their honesty. Kids will name a parent’s yelling, a struggle at school, a feeling of being left out. The miracle question gives parents a window into what is actually going on beneath the surface — and a clear direction for where to focus.

Replace Fixed Mindset Language with Growth Mindset Language — Dr. Kim Van Dusen

The word “yet” negates the period at the end of a fixed statement. “I can’t do it” becomes “I can’t do it yet.” “I failed” becomes “I haven’t passed it yet.” Swapping “but” for “and” does the same: “I love you, but you always get in trouble” erases the love. “I love you, and I know you’re working on this” keeps both truths intact. These small shifts in language build a child’s sense of possibility rather than their sense of failure.

Validate Before You Redirect — Dr. Kim Van Dusen

When a child says “I can’t do it” or “I’m stupid,” the instinct is to immediately correct or reassure. But the most effective first move is to validate what they’re feeling: “I get it. That test was really hard, and it feels awful.” Then empathize briefly. Then, and only then, redirect toward the solution. Skipping the validation step means children feel unheard and the message won’t land.

Regulate Yourself Before You Try to Regulate Your Child — Dr. Kim Van Dusen

When a parent’s cortisol is high, their brain is in fight-or-flight mode — and in that state, creative, playful responses are neurologically inaccessible. Dr. Kim’s “wellness winks” are one-minute self-check-ins twice a day: Have I eaten? Had water? Gone to the bathroom? Do I need a breath of air or a moment of quiet? Taking care of your nervous system first is not a luxury. It is the foundation of being able to parent well in hard moments.

When You’re Exhausted, Let Them Do the Work — Dr. Kim Van Dusen

Playing with a child does not mean being the active participant. The spa game, the doctor game, the fashion show, the dance performance — all of these involve the child doing the work while the parent lies there, sits on the couch, and receives. Connection happens anyway. The child’s cup gets filled. And because play fills that need for closeness, compliance with everything else tends to come more easily afterward.

Use Food and Texture as Play with Picky Eaters — Dr. Kim Van Dusen

Many children’s resistance to food is driven by texture, not taste. Letting them smell it, touch it, lick it, and explore it sensorially before eating it is a legitimate step. Putting food in an ice cube tray, freezing yogurt into a new texture, cutting sandwiches into cookie shapes, or letting a child pick a strange-looking fruit at the store and bring it home are all ways to use play and autonomy to lower resistance and build willingness to try something new.

When in Doubt, Play It Out — Dr. Kim Van Dusen

Dr. Kim’s top tip distills the whole book: when a situation is escalating or stuck, ask yourself how you could make it more playful. Not silly. Not fake. Just lighter. A transition that becomes a race. A chore that becomes a freeze-dance game. A dinner that becomes a drawing session. Play does not have to look a particular way. It just has to shift the emotional temperature of the moment.