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How to Let Go of Punishing Our Kids to Embrace Parenting Peace with Michelle Kenney M. Ed

In this podcast episode, Dr. Robyn and certified parenting coach Michelle Kenney discuss why embracing empathy, rather than resorting to punishment, fosters stronger parent-child relationships and promotes effective parenting strategies.

INTRODUCTION:

Parenting is hard—and that might be the nicest way to put it when we are really in the throes of frustration. Sometimes punishments seem like the only way to fix undesirable behavior—isn’t that how we were raised? How do you create a peaceful home when the relationship with your child is unpredictable or combative? How do you manage their volatile emotions from one moment to the next when you don’t know how to manage your own? Is there really a better way?

Bio:

Michelle Kenney is a mother of two daughters who are 15 and 18, podcast host, author and Certified Parenting Instructor. She came to this work 13 years ago as a young mom with a very strong and determined daughter. She tried everything she learned as a veteran teacher and counselor and nothing worked. When she discovered Connective Parenting she was amazed at just how well her kids responded. The oldest became more flexible and her younger daughter found her voice. In 2015 Michelle became a Certified Parenting Instructor through Hand in Hand Parenting and in that same year founded Peace and Parenting. She has helped 1000’s of parents find more calm at home and discontinue the use of punishments and rewards. She helps parents move from punitive measures like spanking and time out into a more connected way to parent their children.

Important Messages:

  • “A turning Point in Parenting”: When my daughters started pushing back, the breaking point came when one of them held her sister underwater in the pool. I had to dive in and pull them out, and I was overwhelmed, screaming and yelling. Despite trying everything—timeouts, punishments, rewards—nothing worked. At a school meeting, someone asked if I’d tried Hand in Hand Parenting. I hadn’t, but I was desperate, so I decided to give it a shot. As I studied the method and worked with a coach, I discovered a completely different approach to parenting. It felt good for both me and my kids, and the changes were immediate. Inspired by the transformation, I began offering free classes in my living room and encouraged local teachers to attend. This was the beginning of “Peace and Parenting.” Now, I’m passionate about sharing these methods with others.
  • “Trusting Natural Consequences”: I believe that natural consequences exist internally for a child, even if we don’t immediately see them. For instance, a child might feel bad about a poor grade or be embarrassed at school for not having their homework, even if we don’t witness it. My daughter once came home late, and while I was worried and upset, I didn’t punish her. Instead, I let her process it on her own. A few days later, she apologized for making me worry because she had time to feel her own guilt, shame, and remorse. If I had punished her immediately, she might have turned those feelings into resentment toward me. This approach of not punishing and allowing children to lean into their natural mechanisms of guilt, remorse, and shame is a long process, but it’s effective. My daughter is 18 now, and she’s able to recognize and voice these feelings because we’ve practiced this approach for years.
  • “Rethinking Punishment”: Imagine you went out, got a DUI, and came home. Would you want your partner to say, “The $10,000 fine and court appearance aren’t enough—you’re in double trouble with me now”? Is that how we want to treat our loved ones? Now, think about a child who stole candy from a store. Instead of being punitive, could we approach the situation with curiosity and ask, “What happened? Do you want to talk about it?” The child might admit they really wanted the candy and recognize their mistake. By giving an additional punishment, what are we actually achieving? The child is already dealing with the consequences of their actions. What does adding more punishment do for them or our relationship?
  • “Impact of Excessive Punishment” (Additional from Dr. Robyn): Punishment kind of wears things away. Children don’t even end up having a safe haven at home. They begin to feel that their behavior is defining them in every way, and we don’t see any other side to them except the behavior. It follows them wherever they go.
  • “The Cycle of Shame and Mistakes”: When we don’t accept mistakes, we create a culture where adults, often shaped by harsh punishment in childhood, excessively beat themselves up over errors. This leads to deep shame, guilt, and remorse, making them feel they should be punished further. As a result, they get stuck emotionally, which often leads to more mistakes.
  • “Trusting Your Child’s Intelligence”: We have to trust that our child is smart. If they’re smart enough to steal something, they’re not two or four; they’re probably eight, nine, ten, twelve, or somewhere in there. They are intelligent people who really do already know the things we think we need to teach them.
  • “Conventional Parenting”: Conventional parenting and society tell us that we have to teach our children all the lessons, to make sure they know everything. Because if we don’t, we’re going to be bad parents, and they’re going to turn out as bad children. We need to take that thinking and throw it in the garbage, and trust that our child is a good person, even if they do dumb things.We don’t have to have an ulterior motive in this conversation. You see where the conversation goes. It could lead to a million different things. We don’t have an agenda. Our agenda is to listen, be empathic, hold space, and allow them to get to the place where they need to fix it—because they can fix it. We don’t have to fix it.
  • “Embracing Parenting Challenges”: I think there are two things to consider before we can even get to empathy. First of all, we weren’t parented with empathy, so eliciting empathy in ourselves is really hard. Mm. And that might be something we have to practice and really work on. It can be a process. But I think having the expectation, when you start to become a parent, that your child is going to screw up a lot is important. And every time they screw up, don’t be surprised. But we’re always like, please just let it be easy. Please, just let them come home. And I think we have to get rid of that thinking.
  • “Conventional Wisdom”: There’s a lot of mindset stuff that has to change if you really want to embrace this ideology. You really have to take the conventional wisdom and throw it out because it doesn’t serve us. But that’s hard because we grew up with it. It’s ingrained in us. So, I think just expecting that bad things are going to happen and not being surprised is key. Try not to be surprised. Try to take that surprise and allow it to ground you and say, “Okay, this is going to be a great learning experience. My child is not bad. I am not a bad parent, and I’m not going to succumb to that.” Because when we succumb to it, and I could hear you talking when you were trying to say what you think the parents are saying is, you go to fear.
  • “Understanding the Root of Misbehavior”: With issues like stealing, it’s often a sign that the child might not have enough access to money or an allowance. When a child says, “I wanted the candy but didn’t have any money,” it highlights a potential gap in their resources. Instead of jumping to punishment, consider addressing these underlying issues. For example, setting up an allowance might help. There could be various factors behind a child’s behavior that we miss if we focus solely on punishment.
  • “Overcoming the Inner Critic in Parenting”: When our child misbehaves, it’s easy to worry they’ll lead a life of crime or fail in school. This fear often drowns out the ability to listen to our child, as we’re overwhelmed by our inner critic, shaped by our upbringing, societal expectations, or what we see online. To move past this, remind yourself that good parents have children who make mistakes, and that doing bad things doesn’t mean our kids are bad. Root yourself in the belief that making mistakes is part of growing up and doesn’t define either your child or you’re parenting. I recall a moment when my child threw a tantrum at the park. I worried that other moms would judge me harshly. Now, I see that how I responded—with empathy and calmness—is what truly matters. We should focus on our ability to hold space and be empathic, rather than on the behavior itself. By believing that our child’s behavior doesn’t reflect their worth or our abilities as parents, we can better manage our own inner critic.
  • “Avoiding Threats and Bribes”: The biggest piece is not to stop your child from expressing their feelings. Avoid threats like “If you scream one more time, you won’t get the toy” or “We’ll never come back to the store.” Don’t bribe them with rewards like cookies to quiet them. Instead, focus on being present and quiet. Just being there with them can be more connective and supportive than any threats or bribes.
  • “Handling External Judgments While Parenting” (Additional from Dr. Robyn): It’s incredibly challenging when you’re trying to manage your child’s behavior and feeling overwhelmed by external judgments. As you’ve mentioned in your book, and I’ve noted in mine, it’s tough to deal with the feeling that others are watching and criticizing you. For example, you might be at the playground, trying to get your child to sit down on the swing, while someone approaches to tell you what you’re doing wrong. In addition to dealing with your inner critic, you’re faced with unsolicited advice and judgment from others. To navigate through this, focus on being present and supportive for your child. Remember that you’re doing your best, and try to let go of the need to meet everyone’s expectations. Hold space for your child’s emotions and use these moments as opportunities for growth, both for you and your child.
  • “Finding Space for Tantrums”: When feeling overwhelmed by judgment and a child’s tantrum, sometimes it helps to move to a more secluded place. For instance, if you’re at a mall and your child is having a meltdown, consider taking them to the car where you can have some privacy. If moving isn’t possible, stay where you are and reassure your child that you’re there for them, even if you can’t immediately resolve their distress or give in to their demands. Maintain your boundaries while still providing emotional support. Focus on your child’s needs over external judgments, and remember that their well-being is what truly matters.
  • “The Impact of Physical Discipline“: If an adult resorts to hitting a child to stop their behavior, it often means that the physical discipline they experienced as a child didn’t resolve the underlying issues. Instead, it may have taught them that physical violence is an acceptable way to get their way. This approach can perpetuate a cycle where physical aggression is used to manage conflicts, rather than addressing underlying problems in a constructive way.
  • “Success in Fostering Emotional Growth and Autonomy”: So how do I measure success with a child who is fully able to have all of their feelings, fully able to exercise their own free will and autonomy, and fully able to make mistakes and transgressions? That’s part of being a complete human being. Without this, I don’t know what the child is learning by being hit, but they’re certainly not learning many other things by being hit.
  • “Handling Sibling Rivalry: What to Avoid”: Here are one or two things you shouldn’t do when dealing with sibling rivalry. Firstly, it’s important to strengthen your individual relationships with each of your children. A strong connection with each child can positively impact their relationships with one another because their prefrontal cortex is more engaged, allowing them to share and compromise better. Strengthening these relationships is crucial, and one way to do this is by avoiding punishments. A significant pitfall in managing sibling rivalry is how we respond to conflicts. When we see a sibling altercation, such as one child hitting another, our immediate reaction is often to go to the child who did the hitting and say, “Why are you hitting your sister? Stop hitting your sister. We don’t hit.” By doing this, we point out their transgression and take sides, which can lead to the child feeling blamed and frustrated with us.
  • “Addressing Sibling Rivalry with Empathy and Problem-Solving”: The relationship between siblings has been ongoing for as long as your children have been together. It’s a complex, long-term dynamic that cannot be accurately assessed by a brief snapshot. When we single out one child and assign blame, we can exacerbate the rivalry. The child who feels wronged may think, “She got me in trouble, so I’ll get her back next time,” leading to further conflict. Instead, approach the situation with empathy. For example, if you see a conflict, instead of immediately assigning blame, ask, “Hey, what happened here?” Even if you witnessed the incident, encourage each child to explain their perspective. For instance, Child A might say, “She’s always bugging me, so I hit her.” Respond with empathy: “I understand it’s hard having a sister who bugs you sometimes.” Then turn to Child B: “What happened on your end?” Child B might say, “I was just telling her to get out of my room, and she didn’t listen.” Acknowledge their feelings with empathy: “I can see how it’s tough when someone doesn’t listen.” For older children, you can then ask, “What can we do to fix this?” or “What can we do differently next time to avoid this situation?” This approach helps them learn problem-solving and communication skills. By consistently applying this method, you can help your children get along better over time.
  • “Building Lifelong Bonds with Your Children”: The relationship you share with your children is the most important thing and commodity that you have. This relationship isn’t over at 18. You are building a lifetime of friendship with someone who you want to be part of your life. How do you make that happen?

Notable Quotables:

  • “I believe that natural consequences exist internally for a child, even if we don’t immediately see them. My daughter once came home late, and while I was worried and upset, I didn’t punish her. Instead, I let her process it on her own. A few days later, she apologized for making me worry because she had time to feel her own guilt, shame, and remorse. If I had punished her immediately, she might have turned those feelings into resentment toward me. This approach of not punishing and allowing children to lean into their natural mechanisms of guilt, remorse, and shame is a long process, but it’s effective.” – Michelle Kenney M. Ed.
  • “Now, think about a child who stole candy from a store. Instead of being punitive, could we approach the situation with curiosity and ask, “What happened? Do you want to talk about it?” The child might admit they really wanted the candy and recognize their mistake. By giving an additional punishment, what are we actually achieving? The child is already dealing with the consequences of their actions. What does adding more punishment do for them or our relationship?” – Michelle Kenney M. Ed.
  • “Punishment kind of wears things away. When children don’t ultimately find a safe haven at home, they begin to feel that the behavior is, that it’s defining them in every way, that we don’t know any other side to them except the behavior leads, and that it comes with them wherever they go.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
  • “Trust your child’s intelligence and goodness. Let go of the need to fix every mistake, and instead, hold space for them to learn and grow on their own.” – Michelle Kenney M. Ed.
  • “Expect your child to make mistakes, and don’t be surprised when they do. It’s a learning experience for both of you—neither of you are bad, you’re just growing.” – Michelle Kenney M. Ed.
  • “The biggest piece is don’t stop them from having their feelings. Just be there, be quiet, and don’t threaten or bribe them.” – Michelle Kenney M. Ed.
  • “Parenting isn’t just about managing behavior; it’s about holding space for your child’s emotions, even when you’re being judged by others. The real challenge is staying grounded in your values amidst external criticism.” – Dr. Robyn Silverman
  • “A sibling relationship is a long journey, not a snapshot moment. By staying empathetic and helping them problem solve, you’re teaching them how to navigate conflicts and build a stronger bond over time.” – Michelle Kenney M. Ed.
  • “The relationship you share with your children is the most important thing and commodity that you have. And that this relationship isn’t over at 18. You are building a lifetime of friendship with somebody that you want to have and be part of your life. How do you make that happen?” – Michelle Kenney M. Ed.

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