Many parents and teachers comment to me that when they are speaking to children or teens, they don’t listen! Does this sound like you? After repeated attempts to get them to put away toys or books, shut off the Ipad, get their jacket or eat breakfast, adults admit that they get so frustrated that they begin to yell, bark orders and take offending items out of the children’s hands to get them to focus.
Yup. I get it. I’ve done it too! It can be so irritating and infuriating to be ignored. You deserve respect after all you do! But what if our children weren’t consciously ignoring us but actually were just not really hearing us?
When we yell from the top of the stairs or call out across a room, I call this “back-of-the-head parenting” or “back-of-the-head teaching.” Some kids can respond to it but many don’t tune in when only one sense is being used to get their attention—especially when it’s not a primary one.
Many children, particularly ones that have trouble in the area of focus or have ADHD, have many radio stations playing at once in their brains. And guess what? You’re often NOT the loudest one. In fact, when they are watching TV, digging in the dirt outside, or even sitting in class, they may have multiple stations going on in their heads that has gripped their attention over yours. That spider they are watching? Rock and Roll. You? Easy Listening. Or worse. Muzak. (No Offense.)
So when speaking to children, engage more than one sense. That means talking to them and engaging their eyes and their ears. That turns your station on a little louder.
Of course, for many children—this is still not enough! I often use a three-sensory approach with my own kids. Crouching down, I look them in the eyes, use my voice to convey what I need them to know and rest my hands softly on their shoulders or arms to ensure full focus.
“Noah; we are leaving in 5 minutes. We need to be on time because your friend is waiting and it shows kindness to be on time. Could you please get your shoes and socks on and meet me at the car so we can leave? Thank you. This is going to be fun!”
You are now the loudest radio station! No yelling required.
Speaking of yelling, there may be a time or place for that—but when it’s overused, as one of my best friends, child psychiatrist, Dr. Dehra Harris, says, “it’s like using the emergency break over and over again. It may work…but at what cost to the overall health of the machine?” Every parent gets exasperated sometimes (yes, me included), so we have to find other ways to address our children so that we can get their attention without hijacking it with screaming each time.
Believe me, I wish my kids would just listen the first time when I called down to them from the top of the stairs. I do! Life doesn’t always work the way we wish it did. We don’t always have the kind of children we imagined we would before we had them in our lives! It’s okay.
Instead of making ourselves crazy, try using this multi-sensory approach. It works, it’s easy and you can do it now. While it takes extra effort and work (I know, annoying- who needs more work??? BUT…) I think you will see that there will be a lot less frustration and a lot more listening, understanding and peace in your home, school, camp or wherever you may be today.
About That Fictitious Facebook Family You’re Comparing Yourself to…
/in ParentingWell, life isn’t perfect. And not just for you! It’s not like that for me and it’s not like that for those families we compare ourselves to either. Why? Because, as one of my friends said to me once, “we are not in a Norman Rockwell painting!” We are real and human and flawed. Oh- there are periods of bliss, silliness, pleasure, true connection and triumph—yes! But those days or hours are interspersed with frustration, irritation, misunderstanding or sibling rivalry. Screams of joy are intermingled with shrieks of annoyance. They are. And not just once in a blue moon. Often enough that we can all feel like experts on the topic.
It’s funny; but when I speak to friends, colleagues, even professionals about this—they all admit that everyone is dealing with the same thing but nobody seems to talk about it. We laugh about the FFF and how what looks so perfect from far away can look like such a mess up close. It’s not surprising, is it? Life is messy.
The thing is– most people don’t take pictures of the mess. They don’t reveal their feelings about the fight they had with their child that morning or how, if they are being truly raw and honest, that there are moments when they don’t like their kids very much at all. Or how guilty they feel about that. Or sad. Or just plain pissed off.
Well, I’m here to tell you that “perfect” is a bust. The FFF is a farce. And it’s okay. It doesn’t make you a bad person and it doesn’t mean your kids, your spouse or your family are terrible, awful or not good enough. It just means you’re all not perfect.
We are all just learning here.
And loving each other through it.
Loving ourselves through it.
My humble suggestion? Be honest about it. You might just get the support you need. We are all doing the very best we can and on some days, when it gets too messy, we can lean on others who’ve been there, who’ve done that and who’ve gotten to the other side.
And you know what? They’ll love you despite of the mess. Because of the mess. They love your mess!
And that is something to be truly grateful for.
Xoxox,
Talking with Children? One Quick, Must-Have Technique Every Parent and Teacher Needs to Know
/in Big Talks, ParentingYup. I get it. I’ve done it too! It can be so irritating and infuriating to be ignored. You deserve respect after all you do! But what if our children weren’t consciously ignoring us but actually were just not really hearing us?
When we yell from the top of the stairs or call out across a room, I call this “back-of-the-head parenting” or “back-of-the-head teaching.” Some kids can respond to it but many don’t tune in when only one sense is being used to get their attention—especially when it’s not a primary one.
Many children, particularly ones that have trouble in the area of focus or have ADHD, have many radio stations playing at once in their brains. And guess what? You’re often NOT the loudest one. In fact, when they are watching TV, digging in the dirt outside, or even sitting in class, they may have multiple stations going on in their heads that has gripped their attention over yours. That spider they are watching? Rock and Roll. You? Easy Listening. Or worse. Muzak. (No Offense.)
So when speaking to children, engage more than one sense. That means talking to them and engaging their eyes and their ears. That turns your station on a little louder.
You are now the loudest radio station! No yelling required.
Speaking of yelling, there may be a time or place for that—but when it’s overused, as one of my best friends, child psychiatrist, Dr. Dehra Harris, says, “it’s like using the emergency break over and over again. It may work…but at what cost to the overall health of the machine?” Every parent gets exasperated sometimes (yes, me included), so we have to find other ways to address our children so that we can get their attention without hijacking it with screaming each time.
Believe me, I wish my kids would just listen the first time when I called down to them from the top of the stairs. I do! Life doesn’t always work the way we wish it did. We don’t always have the kind of children we imagined we would before we had them in our lives! It’s okay.
Instead of making ourselves crazy, try using this multi-sensory approach. It works, it’s easy and you can do it now. While it takes extra effort and work (I know, annoying- who needs more work??? BUT…) I think you will see that there will be a lot less frustration and a lot more listening, understanding and peace in your home, school, camp or wherever you may be today.
The Courage to Try: 7 Vital Tips to Help Your Kids Try New Things Even if They Are Scared
/in Big Talks, Character Education, ParentingIt was my 7-year-old daughter’s very first camp overnight. She was nervous, scared, excited and anxious.
Each night, before bed, she would start a looping monologue.
This was getting us nowhere. Have you ever felt like that?
The truth was, we hadn’t had a great track record. Her first sleepover at Grammie’s last year ended abruptly with an ear infection and a fever. The second one took two takes—she came home before sleeping and after a pep talk about fear, she went back but I was there to tuck her in and sing her goodnight. And last weekend, her sweet friend from camp came over to our house to do a practice sleepover and wound up going home at 12:45am because she missed her mom and had a tummy ache. Sleepovers had not been the picture of success.
It’s hard when we want our child to try new things but fear has taken hold and won’t let go. So how can we help our children help themselves when trying constructive, new things that excite but scare them?
When we give children the tools to empower themselves, they can do much more than they ever thought they could—and perhaps more than you thought they could too.
Here’s to many more courageous acts and exciting firsts!
How I Talked to my Children about the Black Lives Matter Protests and How You Should Too
/in Big Talks, Dr. Robyn Silverman, ParentingI explained, as many times as necessary, how there are some police officers who made horrible mistakes and who were very wrong and that people are rightfully angry–and there are many police officers who are kind and helpful and who keep us safe but are often mistrusted because of some officers’ actions. We talked about people dying due to the color of their skin (Tallie, my 7-year-old, exclaimed, “again!” And I corrected; “no, baby…still.”) I answered many questions as honestly and humbly as I could. I hate having to have this conversation. But I will have it as many times as is necessary.
A woman overheard me talking about it at a local restaurant to Noah (he was confused why police officers were there at town hall protecting the people who were protesting and wondered if they might get shot and wondered if those police officers would shoot people). This was not a time to clam up even though it took some persistence and deep breaths. She came over to me after the conversation and said; “I heard you talking about the protests. You did such a great job. I’m just the Aunt and the kids asked me about it but I didn’t know what to say. I’m not good at this.”
I will say here what I said to her. “How wonderful that they turned to you when they needed clarification. They trust you. None of us have all the answers. You don’t need to have all the answers. Just answer them as honestly as you can in words they can understand. Be present. Sometimes that’s the best we can do. And just being there and being as honest as we can– it’s enough.”
It’s time to have these tough conversations. It has to start now if we are going to make change happen. And believe me, this conversation is not over. The best conversations are never given only once but over and over in more nuanced ways. Let’s simply begin and get the ball rolling. There’s no time like the present! #Peace #StPaul #BatonRouge#DallasStrong
Self Esteem & Success: How to Develop the C.O.R.E.™ of Your Children and Students
/in Leadership, ParentingDr. Robyn Silverman
Self-esteem is a powerful thing. From the outside, some kids may seem to have it all, but at their core, they may feel as if they can’t do anything right. You know what I mean? I know you do- you’ve experienced it yourself and seen it with your own eyes.
On the other hand, some may seem to have been dealt a poor hand in life and yet, as their core, they behave as if they can do, be, or have anything. When mindset, heart, and opinion of self are crucial predictors of success, self-esteem can certainly make the difference.
In order to help our students thrive as powerful character-based leaders, they must see themselves and their contributions as worthwhile. When I speak to audiences around the world about construction of self-esteem, I detail my C.O.R.E.™ concept: Comparison, Observation, Recognition, and Experience. See how it applies to the children and students in your life!
What’s at their C.O.R.E.™?
Comparison: How do I stack up vs What strengths do I bring to the table? Those with low self-esteem often short change themselves while either elevating others or cutting them off at the knees in order to elevate themselves. Powerful role models don’t need to make comparisons to demean. Rather, they focus on what each person can bring to the table to form a cohesive group.
Observation: Do the messages I glean demean me or support me?Messages come from many sources— such as the media, peers and parents. What messages are being sent to different students at your school? When we feel we are unacceptable to those we admire and trust, lower self-esteem is likely. Strong role models seek out people who make them feel that they are okay just the way they are as well as who help them to deflect, reframe, or challenge the accepted belief. Strong role models also do this for themselves.
Recognition: Are my qualities and assets overlooked or celebrated?Those with low self-esteem are more likely to receive low praise. On the other side of the spectrum they may receive too much “empty praise.” The phrase “good job” is uttered no matter what they do so it doesn’t hold meaning anymore. Strong role models are built with real praise. When we celebrate meaningful assets in our children/students and connect them with character, process and outcome, words can be harnessed and used whenever that person is placed in a leadership position.
Expertise/Efficacy: Am I honing or phoning in my skills? True internal drive, determination and stick-to-itiveness allow us to reach mastery. The development of expertise also depends on the character to do each challenge to the best of our ability—to knowingly do it right even if we have the chance to “phone it in.” In our society, this takes more ethics than we might give credit for. “Quick fix” appearance-over-substance culture has taught young people to develop their personas instead of the person—to develop persona in lieu of their character. When expertise is acquired in an area of real interest, whether it’s in skills, teaching, or coaching, young people can hone and even personalize their skills. Let’s face it; it’s gratifying to make progress and achieve in areas that are meaningful to us.
Sample questions to assess esteem:
What is at the C.O.R.E of your children and students?
Why this Tween Magazine was Under Fire Due to This Swimsuit Article for Girls
/in Body Image, ParentingWhat are the girls experiencing in preteen years that makes this a tough time?
During the preteen years, a girl’s body is changing, her brain is changing and she is moving from the child stage to the teen and young adult stage. It can feel weird and confusing for any girl—so many turn to communities and resources where they feel safe and valued for who they are.
Why is this article a big deal?
This is the time of year when every magazine is focusing on bathing suits and what cuts are best to accentuate their best features and hide features that are less valued in our culture. When preteen magazines jump on the bandwagon, it sends a message to girls that they need to be thinking about how they look—form over function- when it comes to swim suit.
Of course, teen magazines could have a lot of fun with bathing suit styles by flipping the conversation and asking; “What bathing suit style is best for what you LOVE to do” or “What bathing suit patterns reflect your personality?” And going into bold or subtle prints, loud and soft colors and other fun fashion topics like that.
Why was that one sentence in the apology about the magazine attempting to simply “build confidence in girls” a big deal?
Many parents don’t want their girls to get the message that what you wear and how you look affects whether you feel confident. We all make mistakes, absolutely, and I think parents just wanted to hear that a mistake was made, they take full responsibility and it will never happen again.
How do you build a girl’s confidence?
A girl can build confidence by (1) gaining mastery in something she cares about and (2) feeling connected, safe and valued by people she cares about in and outside of her home. When a girl believes in herself, pushes through barriers, succeeds after failing and feels she has key people to rely on in her life, she gains confidence. Confidence is built from the inside out, not the other way around.
Kinds of message this article can inadvertently send:
This kind of an article can send a negative message to a girl who is using the magazine as a safe place to learn how to be a healthy preteen. When we talk about the need to hide areas of our bodies to look good in a swimsuit, we are saying that there are parts of every girl’s body that may need to be covered because it’s not acceptable.
Let’s be blunt. Raising a girl in today’s appearance-oriented world can be a challenge. When articles seem to reflect rather than deflect the media messages plaguing our girls that state “your value comes from how you look or you need to change the way you look to fit what others think is valuable,” parents get very upset. This is especially true when they trust the resource and feel that the focus took an unexpected turn.
What did you think of the article?
Fourteen Signs that Your Daughter May Have an Eating Disorder
/in Body Image, Parenting*If you feel that your child may have an eating disorder, contact your child’s doctor to discuss your concerns and a possible plan of action.
By: Robyn J.A. Silverman, PhD
Harlequin, 2010
Latest Interview: Dax Shepard Opens Up about Child Sexual Abuse
/in ParentingCan sexual abuse lead to problems later on in life?
Childhood abuse has been linked with many psychiatric and behavioral problems as teens and adults including anxiety, depression, alcohol and drug use and unsafe sex. Dax Shepard has admitted to drug use and alcohol abuse and this may be linked, in part to his earlier experiences.
Is it the same for men as it is for women?
While much of the research has focused on women who were sexually abused as girls, when both genders are considered in clinical studies, it’s found that both men and women suffer with similar mental and emotional problems.
Why do some sexual abuse survivors not tell?
Dax Shepard is only coming out with this private information now. Some people might wonder, why all the secrecy? Why don’t people tell when they’ve been sexually abused? Many children and teens feel shame, they fear retaliation (perhaps threatened), they may blame themselves or minimize what happened, they may doubt what really happened and may be afraid people won’t believe them anyway even if they did tell.
How can Dax’s admission help parents talk about sexual abuse with children?
Whenever a celebrity brings an issue to light with a personal account, it’s a great time for parents to use the admission as a springboard for some tough talks with their children. In age-appropriate terms, talk about good touching and bad touching, what they should do if anyone touches them in an inappropriate way, and that your door is always open to talking about these tough topics.
As always, any tough conversation you have with your child does not need to fit into a certain time, place, space or age. These types of conversations happen many times over years. What you might say to a younger child about their body, their privacy and who is permitted to see them undressed in certain circumstances (i.e. parent, doctor) is different than what you might say to a teenager. While these conversations can be uncomfortable, they are necessary. As I tell parents when I am presenting; “You can say it outright: This is uncomfortable! This is awkward! But do it anyway.”
And don’t worry if you missed an opportunity or when you last talked about it, it didn’t go so well. Parenting provides the ultimate do-over. Each day you get to try again. Thank goodness.
Tips that Work! How do I get my kids to do their chores?
/in ParentingChores. So many children dread them. Why would anyone want to work when they would rather play? Cue the frustration, fighting and fury!
Conversations that Matter: Leadership and Making Mistakes
/in LeadershipWhen do you talk about the importance of making mistakes? When can you convey, at home or at work, the growth opportunities that happen because you go out on a limb and make mistakes? I say; whenever the opportunity presents itself.
In the 2-minute video above, I talk about seizing the opportunity and conveying to ourselves and to those we teach, inspire, train, guide or lead that when trying newer skills:
(1) Mistakes are normal.
(2) Mistakes often show that you had the courage to try.
(3) Mistakes allow you to learn and grow.
(4) Aim for doing your best NOT being perfect.
(5) Our flaws are what make us human, lovable and interesting.
In other words; don’t fear mistakes, embrace them. They are the ticket to your next learning opportunity.