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Self Esteem & Success: How to Develop the C.O.R.E.™ of Your Children and Students

Dr. Robyn SilvermanSelf Esteem & Success: Have your Children and Students Developed their C.O.R.E.™?  

Dr. Robyn Silverman

Self-esteem is a powerful thing. From the outside, some kids may seem to have it all, but at their core, they may feel as if they can’t do anything right. You know what I mean? I know you do- you’ve experienced it yourself and seen it with your own eyes.

On the other hand, some may seem to have been dealt a poor hand in life and yet, as their core, they behave as if they can do, be, or have anything. When mindset, heart, and opinion of self are crucial predictors of success, self-esteem can certainly make the difference.

In order to help our students thrive as powerful character-based leaders, they must see themselves and their contributions as worthwhile. When I speak to audiences around the world about construction of self-esteem, I detail my C.O.R.E. concept: Comparison, Observation, Recognition, and Experience. See how it applies to the children and students in your life!

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What’s at their C.O.R.E.?

Comparison: How do I stack up vs What strengths do I bring to the table? Read more

Dax Shepard

Latest Interview: Dax Shepard Opens Up about Child Sexual Abuse

GMA_cameraTwo weeks ago, Dax Shepard opened up about being sexually abused as a child. Good Morning America came to my home to interview me for their story on the topic. The story didn’t air but I wanted to give all of you some of the questions they asked me (and my answers) as people have asked me about the segment.

Can sexual abuse lead to problems later on in life?

Childhood abuse has been linked with many psychiatric and behavioral problems as teens and adults including anxiety, depression, alcohol and drug use and unsafe sex. Dax Shepard has admitted to drug use and alcohol abuse and this may be linked, in part to his earlier experiences.

Is it the same for men as it is for women?

While much of the research has focused on women who were sexually abused as girls, when both genders are considered in clinical studies, it’s found that both men and women suffer with similar mental and emotional problems.

Why do some sexual abuse survivors not tell?

Dax Shepard is only coming out with this private information now. Some people might wonder, why all the secrecy? Why don’t people tell when they’ve been sexually abused? Many children and teens feel shame, they fear retaliation (perhaps threatened), they may blame themselves or minimize what happened, they may doubt what really happened and may be afraid people won’t believe them anyway even if they did tell.

How can Dax’s admission help parents talk about sexual abuse with children?

Dax ShepardWhenever a celebrity brings an issue to light with a personal account, it’s a great time for parents to use the admission as a springboard for some tough talks with their children. In age-appropriate terms, talk about good touching and bad touching, what they should do if anyone touches them in an inappropriate way, and that your door is always open to talking about these tough topics.

As always, any tough conversation you have with your child does not need to fit into a certain time, place, space or age. These types of conversations happen many times over years. What you might say to a younger child about their body, their privacy and who is permitted to see them undressed in certain circumstances (i.e. parent, doctor) is different than what you might say to a teenager. While these conversations can be uncomfortable, they are necessary. As I tell parents when I am presenting; “You can say it outright: This is uncomfortable! This is awkward! But do it anyway.”

And don’t worry if you missed an opportunity or when you last talked about it, it didn’t go so well. Parenting provides the ultimate do-over. Each day you get to try again. Thank goodness.

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Tips that Work! How do I get my kids to do their chores?

Chores. So many children dread them. Why would anyone want to work when they would rather play? Cue the frustration, fighting and fury!

It doesn’t have to be this way. And tasks at home must get done! So how can we get our children to do their family “chores?” Here are my “4 Cs” that can get everyone to pitch in and help out!chores

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A growth mindset is lit up with opportunities and possibilities

Can Adults Benefit from the Concept of Not Yet too? Yes they can!

A growth mindset is lit up with opportunities and possibilities

A growth mindset is lit up with opportunities and possibilities while a fixed mindset stays stagnant

Do you or those with whom you work or live often give up or shut down when a skill or concept is a bit out of reach? Are you or those you work with using language like; “it can’t be done,” “I can’t do it,” “I don’t know how,” or “It can’t happen?” You might be dealing with a fixed mindset that needs to be shifted so you (or the person in question) can grow.

This past year, I’ve talked a lot about the concept of “Not Yet” when presenting to business leaders and adults who work with children, teens and young adults. The idea of “not yet” here comes from Carol Dweck who discusses the “Not Yet” concept when presenting about shifting the mindset of young people. When we use the concept of “not yet,” she explains, we set children up with a growth mindset—one that allows them to see that while they have “not yet” mastered a new concept, they are on their way. They are making progress.

Those who had a fixed mindset only focused on the fact that they hadn’t mastered a skill “now” and therefore were more likely to cheat and assume they were unlikely to improve. “Not Yet” can make a big difference. Interestingly, they use the concept of “not yet” in my children’s school. And yes- I think we are missing something if we only apply it to kids.

So what about the concept of “Not Yet” for adults?

Whether you are an entrepreneur, parent, coach, teacher, CEO or business employee, you, too, have to shift your mindset to one that embraces “not yet.” Do you believe you can improve? Do you have room to try out new skills so you can get better? As adults, it’s so easy to get stuck in a rut perpetuating the myth of “this is how it’s always been done” or “old dogs can’t learn new tricks.”

Frankly, I think that is a bunch of garbage.

Do you want to employ the concept of “not yet” and change your results? Then, let’s go for it.

Here are some quick tips to keep in mind:

  • Try new skills with the knowledge that you WILL improve. You may not have the concept “yet” but it’s simply a matter of time and practice. Believe that you will improve and master the concept.
  • Stop the negative self talk. Having a negative nag in your ear is never a helpful strategy for success. Answer negative self talk with the concept of “not yet” and then keep practicing and working towards your goals.
  • Show yourself the evidence: As you work to improve, chart or write down your progress. Learning to become a “runner” for the first time? Write down how long you were able to run for today. Trying to stay calm in the morning rush without yelling? Chart how long you were able to make it this week and what strategies worked for you. Trying to get better at presenting at work in front of others? Write down what you did better today (clear voice, clear concept, succinct points, etc). When you look at the evidence, you will see how you are improving over time.
  • Keep going: If Rome wasn’t built in a day, 1000 practices before you become an expert and it takes at least 30 days to create a habit, how long will it take you to see improvements? That might seem like one of those convoluted word problems from middle school but the point is—improvements take time. Don’t stop. Persevere. Engage that indomitable spirit and you will leave your fixed mindset in the dust.

Remember to embrace yourself as a learner who can improve. You are “in process.” You may not have the skill, the concept, or the knowledge today—but that doesn’t mean you won’t in time. You just don’t have it yet.

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Carol Dweck: “The Power of Believing That You Can Improve”.

Dweck, C. (2012) Mindset: How You Can Fulfill Your Potential, New York: Random House.

Risk Assessment

Progress from Imperfection: Making Room for Mistakes, Doubt and Risk Personally and Professionally

I Am a Work in Progress Quote Saying Bulletin Board

I Am a Work in Progress Quote Saying Bulletin Board

Women (and many men too) are notorious for aiming for perfect. Whether it’s in parenthood, the workplace, our looks or the overall appearance that we have it all together, imperfections are painted over with a broad brush.

The result?

Low risk. Low reward.

Our lack of honesty with ourselves and others is hurting much more than it’s helping.

For any of us to move forward in any realm of life, there must be room to make mistakes. To take the risks. To swim in doubt. To be authentic and imperfect and unsure on our path to success. Living a photoshopped life grounded in reality show flawlessness and Facebook photo perfection does not lead to forward movement.

So here’s some food for thought.

  • When do you feel most connected with people? To truly connect, we must be real. Think about those friends, work buddies, clients or relatives in your life to whom you feel the closest. They know the real you, don’t they? The messy you. And it’s this raw honesty that allows the relationships to deepen. When we reveal our concerns, doubts and mistakes along with the strengths and accomplishments, you allow others to love you for who you are rather than who you project yourself to be. And the relationship authenticity can then go both ways.
  • When can you progress as a parent, professional, athlete or performer? It’s when you take risks and go beyond your comfort zone, isn’t it? When trying a new technique or going down a path you have not yet visited, it’s hard to be perfect. We must embrace ourselves as the learners we are so we can take risks without the baggage. Each time we learn—each time we make a mistake—we become stronger, more knowledgeable and ironically, more successful.
  • When can you figure out your next steps in life? It’s often when we provide room for doubt. If we continue to plug in the next move, the next job and the next conversation without providing space and time to figure out what we do and don’t want, we can be squelching our true, thought-out next steps. We must be able to ask ourselves, whether professionally or personally; “Am I happy with the direction I am going? Do I want to change my trajectory? Do I want to try something new? What do I truly want?” Doubt can be uncomfortable—but it’s a necessary vehicle for progress.

Life is not perfect. We must stop striving for perfection and instead, try for our best. Try for learning. Try for better, stronger, more nuanced and more open than yesterday. Life is messy, weird and wonderful. We make progress from imperfection. Letting go of perfect can feel like it’s shining high beams on our weaknesses but in actuality, it demonstrates our courage and strength.

Go for it!

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The Hidden Message Nobody is Discussing: Sports Illustrated, Cheryl Tiegs and Ashley Graham

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A few days ago, social media was atwitter with comments about the new Sports Illustrated cover featuring plus-model Ashley Graham. Cheryl Tiegs, former SI swimsuit model had criticized the magazine for putting Ashley Graham on the cover. Tiegs, who is now 68 years old, said;

“I don’t like that we’re talking about full-figured women because it’s glamorizing them because your waist should be smaller than 35 (inches)…That’s what Dr. Oz said, and I’m sticking to it. No, I don’t think it’s healthy. Her face is beautiful. Beautiful. But I don’t think it’s healthy in the long run.”

People took sides. Some agreed, while others applauded Sports Illustrated and underscored that health can come in many sizes. But as the media storm showcased the groups that either supported or disputed Cheryl’s words, an unsaid truth laid buried beneath the surface. It was on my professional Facebook page, where we, too, were discussing the new Sports Illustrated model,  that this truth was beautifully stated by a long term personal friend of mine—and I’d like to share it with you: Read more

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Parents and Teachers: How to Talk to Children about the Paris Attacks

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How to Talk to Kids about the Paris Attacks and Other Tragic Events

By: Dr. Robyn Silverman

Many of us stayed up late watching everything we could about the tragic Paris Attacks on Friday night. We waited to find out more on Saturday about how many lives were lost, if the perpetrators were all captured and how France and other nations were going to respond.

As a mother of a 5 and 6 year old, I kept the news off while they were in the room and remember running up to the TV to turn it off when a Sunday morning story about the death toll suddenly came on—that’s not the way I want them to find out. Still, I don’t have my head in the sand. it’s important to be prepared to discuss these tragic situations as children hear a great deal in school and from their friends. And with older children in late elementary school, middle school or high school, they likely have head about it already.

How should parents handle it when a large-scale tragedy occurs in the world such as the Paris Attacks?

  • You are the trusted source: If you have a feeling that your children will hear about the tragedy in school, talk to them about it as soon as possible. You can give them the information that is true, appropriate and helpful. Older children might want to learn more about who was involved in the attacks- and there are some websites that provide easy-to-understand information that you can read together or you can read and then discuss the points that you feel are necessary. For example there is this and this for explanations of more complicated facts.
  • Use age-appropriate language and information: Children don’t need to hear the gory details. Give them the information that they need to know in words that they would understand. You can be factual without being gruesome. It is important to set the tone and provide the facts instead of allowing someone else, who may not be correct or appropriate, to do it for you.
  • Allow emotions and fears to surface: Don’t dismiss your children’s fears or emotions. Rather, allow them to have a safe place to express them. If you are upset (as humans, of course we are!), you can talk about being sad or frustrated without going into full detail or matching their intensity. For example, you can say; “I am sad this happened to these people” or “I am frustrated that I can’t help.” In fact, it’s best for adults to talk to other adults about their own feelings rather than delving in deep with children who may not be fully equipped yet to understand.
  • Let them know they are safe: Children are often concerned with their own safety and the safety of their friends and family surrounding them. Make sure they know that events such as these are rare. Talk to them about the adults in this world who are doing what they can to keep the people safe. Discuss the helpers, the heroes and those who are taking action to create peace in this world.
  • Keep an open door: Many children will need more than one conversation to put their questions, fears and concerns to rest. Let your children know that you are available to talk to them if they have questions. You may not know all the answers, but you will do your best to find them out or explore them with your child. For older children, don’t assume that they fully know what’s going on or that you know what they are thinking or feeling. Ask them what they know and how they feel about it. If you feel that there is a better person for your children to talk to about this tragedy, be the bridge or the passageway to the right person so your children feel that their questions have been answered.
  • Honor the loss of life: Whether the tragedy was Sandy Hook, The Boston Marathon bombing or the Paris Attacks, find ways to honor those who were lost. This may be orchestrated through a moment of silence, a family donation or finding ways to help personally.
  • Understand that children all react differently: Some children will want to talk about what’s happening while others might clam up. Some will have lots of questions, while others might seem disinterested. All children react differently. Be aware of hidden signs that a child is upset. For example, sleeping more or having trouble sleeping, withdrawing from friends or wanting to spend more time with family, acting out with poor behavior or wanting to stay home from school. Be open if and when your children become open to talking about the Paris Attacks or tragic events like them.

The best thing we can do for our children is to give them the time, space and arena to discuss their feelings and questions. Just being there can be a comfort when tragedies like the Paris Attacks, the Boston bombing, Sandy Hook occur. And of course, as always, hug them tight and tell them that they are loved. Feeling safe and secure can go a long, long way.

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Dr. Robyn on GMA: Are Participation Trophies a Celebration of Mediocrity?

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Good Morning America came to my house last night to ask me about a hot button topic discussed this morning on the show.

http://abcnews.go.com/beta/Lifestyle/pittsburgh-steelers-james-harrison-back-sons-participation-trophies/story?id=33130650

James Harrison, football star on the Pittsburgh Steelers, is one tough linebacker.GMA_participationtrophies  He also has drawn a hard line when it comes to parenting.  On Instagram this past weekend, he reported that his 2 sons received “participation trophies” and that he was returning them.

“While I am very proud of my boys for everything they do and will encourage them till the day I die, these trophies will be given back until they EARN a real trophy” (photo). “I’m not about to raise two boys to be men by making them believe that they are entitled to something just because they tried their best. Cause sometimes your best is not enough, and that should drive you to want to do better…not cry and whine until somebody gives you something to shut u up and keep you happy.”

Harrison used the hashtag #harrisonfamilyvalues to punctuate his point.

While many agreed with Harrison’s views, some also disagreed. Here’s what I think:

For some children who may have participation challenges due to social skills or shyness issues, a participation trophy can be a tangible way to encourage those children to participate more and celebrate their participation. For most other children, they don’t need participation trophies and can, in fact, learn important social skills and sportsmanship from winning and losing.

As parents and teachers, here are some important tips:

(1) Disconnect the term lose from loser: As parents, we need to help children learn how to be a gracious winner and, just as important, that even when you lose, it doesn’t make you a loser. When a Read more

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Can TopShop Ultra Thin Mannequins Affect Body Image of Girls & Women? Dr. Robyn Silverman on Good Morning America

I was interviewed for Good Morning America on Topshop’s decision to discontinue ordering ultra thin mannequins for their stores.

Note: I love doing these segments. However, due to the short length of the segment, my quotes were GMA_Berry_mannequins_size_800_400spliced for time-sake and the initial sentence didn’t exactly reflect how I feel about the possible effects of mannequin size on body image. Whoops! So let me clarify! I do not feel that exposure to thin mannequins leads to poor body image. I do feel that repeated exposure to very thin models, very thin mannequins and messaging about the merits of dieting and thinness can have effects on the body image of many girls and women (my original quote). You’ll see more on my view below!


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Can mannequin size have an effect on body image?

For some people, yes. Of course we all know that mannequins are not real. However, studies tell us that when girls and women are repeatedly exposed to very thin body standards in the media, on models or on mannequins, it can affect their body image, self esteem and eating practices—and interestingly, even their pension to buy.

The reality is that mannequins don’t just sell clothes. They inform beauty ideals, weight standards and fashion trends that tell people what they should aspire to in order to be considered beautiful and Read more

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The Upside to Lying: Dr. Robyn Silverman Discusses on Good Morning America


ABC US News | World News

How about THIS for a new spin on lying? A new study suggests that kids with a good memory also happen to be good liars!

We all know that lying is pervasive in childhood. So perhaps it’s good for parents to know a marker for good liars is having good working memories—in particular, good verbal memories, which makes sense because they need to remember what they said and who they said it to so they can keep all their lies straight.

The new study in the Journal of Experimental Child Psychology shows that when the researchers from the University of Sheffield gathered more than 100 children, ages six and seven, and told them not to peek at the answers on the back of a card detailing a fictitious cartoon character, the best liars were revealed. Then researchers questioned the children, spotted the liars, and evaluated their ability to lie in the face of two questions that would catch them red-handed. The “best” liars told a whammy each time, while poor liars did it only once or not at all.

It takes mental effort to keep all the stories straight—so the researchers conclude that the liars may have better working memories and may even be “smarter.”

We explored a few key questions this morning on Good Morning America.GMA_childrenlying_800_400

So many parents would say they didn’t teach their children to lie, but rather that it seems like an innate behavior. So, where are they learning it and why do they do it?

Research has told us that 1 in 5 interactions are lies! Adults and children do it. Some people lie because it gets them out of trouble while others lie Read more