Talking with Children? One Quick, Must-Have Technique Every Parent and Teacher Needs to Know
Many parents and teachers comment to me that when they are speaking to children or teens, they don’t listen! Does this sound like you? After repeated attempts to get them to put away toys or books, shut off the Ipad, get their jacket or eat breakfast, adults admit that they get so frustrated that they begin to yell, bark orders and take offending items out of the children’s hands to get them to focus.
Yup. I get it. I’ve done it too! It can be so irritating and infuriating to be ignored. You deserve respect after all you do! But what if our children weren’t consciously ignoring us but actually were just not really hearing us?
When we yell from the top of the stairs or call out across a room, I call this “back-of-the-head parenting” or “back-of-the-head teaching.” Some kids can respond to it but many don’t tune in when only one sense is being used to get their attention—especially when it’s not a primary one.
Many children, particularly ones that have trouble in the area of focus or have ADHD, have many radio stations playing at once in their brains. And guess what? You’re often NOT the loudest one. In fact, when they are watching TV, digging in the dirt outside, or even sitting in class, they may have multiple stations going on in their heads that has gripped their attention over yours. That spider they are watching? Rock and Roll. You? Easy Listening. Or worse. Muzak. (No Offense.)
So when speaking to children, engage more than one sense. That means talking to them and engaging their eyes and their ears. That turns your station on a little louder.
Of course, for many children—this is still not enough! I often use a three-sensory approach with my own kids. Crouching down, I look them in the eyes, use my voice to convey what I need them to know and rest my hands softly on their shoulders or arms to ensure full focus.
“Noah; we are leaving in 5 minutes. We need to be on time because your friend is waiting and it shows kindness to be on time. Could you please get your shoes and socks on and meet me at the car so we can leave? Thank you. This is going to be fun!”
You are now the loudest radio station! No yelling required.
Speaking of yelling, there may be a time or place for that—but when it’s overused, as one of my best friends, child psychiatrist, Dr. Dehra Harris, says, “it’s like using the emergency break over and over again. It may work…but at what cost to the overall health of the machine?” Every parent gets exasperated sometimes (yes, me included), so we have to find other ways to address our children so that we can get their attention without hijacking it with screaming each time.
Believe me, I wish my kids would just listen the first time when I called down to them from the top of the stairs. I do! Life doesn’t always work the way we wish it did. We don’t always have the kind of children we imagined we would before we had them in our lives! It’s okay.
Instead of making ourselves crazy, try using this multi-sensory approach. It works, it’s easy and you can do it now. While it takes extra effort and work (I know, annoying- who needs more work??? BUT…) I think you will see that there will be a lot less frustration and a lot more listening, understanding and peace in your home, school, camp or wherever you may be today.
proactive about what will help them rather than focus on the problems. This was the key to the overnight experience for us. Tallie decided that sleeping next to one of her counselors would help. I wrote a note to one of the staff members that said; “Tallie has a question for Amanda” but did not provide the question itself. I had told my daughter; “I will send the reminder but you need to ask the question. I won’t do it for you. I believe that you can do it yourself.” It’s important for children to learn to speak up for themselves even if they need a reminder or encouragement to do so. There is something empowering about saying the words yourself and hearing the answer with your own ears. When Tallie came home, she was happy to announce that she would be sleeping next to Amanda.
questions. What if she needed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? Would there be a nightlight? And the most looming concern– What if sleeping next to her counselor didn’t help? I had her take out a piece of paper and write down her questions. She penned them out herself right at our kitchen table, we put them in an envelope and she brought them in on the day of the big overnight meeting with her group and counselors. That afternoon, I got this email from her division head: “Tallie was so articulate at our meeting about the overnight tomorrow. She asked all of her questions clearly and followed the directions of waiting until the end of the meeting for the Q & A part before raising her hand. I was so very impressed and told her so!” Tallie came home feeling knowledgeable and certain about what to expect on her overnight. She was learning a valuable lesson—she could ask questions, get answers and ease her fears with the knowledge she gained.
Yes she did. She worked the plan and she did it. And this experience will become evidence that she can do many other nerve-wracking but exciting firsts in her life. Of course, it wasn’t perfect. I mean, this proud, grimy, totally exhausted girl came off the bus wearing an enormous t-shirt saying “I survived the sleepover” as she alternated between smiles and tears. But fighting fears is messy. It’s not perfect. It can take everything out of you just as it builds you up. And all of it sure is tiring.
The other day, my children, ages 6 and 7, asked me why people were protesting at the Town Hall building we passed after leaving the animal shelter we visited. People were holding up signs saying; “Black Lives Matter” while police patrolled the area from the perimeter. Even though I knew it might be a tough conversation to have, it felt necessary. It felt on purpose. You know what I mean?